A Disconnect

So lately, life has been.... baffling.  Nothing has changed all that much besides the way I view myself and the world around me, but that's enough to keep the wheels spinning and have me wondering, "what on earth am I doing here?"

I feel this way all the time from specifics to generalities.  Like, why am I here in this store?  Why am I in this city?  What am I doing on this planet?

These "why's" are constantly looming in my head lately and I just can't seem to shake them.

Sometimes it makes me feel so lost as if I'm having an identity crisis (and I may very well be).  Other times I find comfort in knowing that I haven't gotten too comfortable with life and am still asking important questions.  It seems like a key step in individual growth and progression.

I've felt variations of homesick in the past few months.  Trouble is, it's never for the same place, people, or circumstances.  I guess that happens when you're a modern day gypsy?  It always surprises me what I find myself missing, what my heart aches for.  So I headed back to Phoenix to attend a friend's wedding, but it was quite timely since I felt like I've been needing a fix.  It's nice to have familiarity upon arrival, but the more time that passes since we moved from here, the more it feels like the ruins of a life that once was.  Never have I felt more strongly about that as I do now.

Phoenix is a funny place for our little family of two.  It's really the only place we've both called home in our marriage.  Never before or since have we found a routine and people we love to surround ourselves with.  We miss it.  Leaving was probably the hardest point in our marriage and we both felt it on such personal levels.  I knew that time would break us, but it's odd realizing that you no longer belong in your own life.

The contrast between what was and what could have been to what actually is, is astonishing.  I don't see myself the same way I saw myself three years ago.  I don't have the same attitude, aspirations, and desires that I did back then.  And somehow.... it all seems tied to a place that I've really moved past, both emotionally and physically.  Being in this place and surrounded by these people (whom I still adore) reminds me of how much I really have changed.  Part of me wishes it weren't true because I only feel that way looking back.  I probably could have been happy here living a much different life then I will now end up with.  The other part of me is proud to know that my soul is a work in progress and it's ok to change my mind and be ever evolving.

My mindset has changed.  My goals have me moving in a different direction.  My aspirations are oh so different from what they once were.  But my heart is still filled with love and gratitude for the person I became in this place and the people who shared with me in life and love.  My journey has been enhanced by them.  My life has been more beautiful because of it.  I will forever be grateful for those things in the past that I feel so disconnected from in the present.

Taking Me by Surprise

So life has been marching on for us and I have so many mixed feelings about it.  Spending this past summer in New Jersey was one of the best times of my life.  The past two years have been a little rough for me and the Mr.  I know that people have much harder trials than we do, but they are tailored for us and they've really worn us down.  Luckily, our marriage is still standing strong.  So this summer was an even greater relief that when we were there, we were both there, and when we went somewhere, we both went.  Plus there was the benefit of having friends and family around and some sort of stability mixed with adventure- the perfect prescription for this clan.

Anyway, I've had a much harder time adapting after this past summer.  It's almost like I got a glimpse of what life once was like and what it could be like again someday.  At least.... I'm crossing my fingers.  My husband has been extremely busy since we left New Jersey.  He often works twelve or more hours a day and he is such a trooper about it.  Not to toot my own horn, but I think I've been a trooper as well.  While there's still plenty of joy to be had, our circumstances make everything seem like business.  When I talk to the Mr. it's usually about bills that need paid, chores that need done, what our schedules are like and if we can coordinate.  I know most people do this, but it's been pretty intense lately.

So, much of the time I have to just try and turn off my emotions.  I try not to let things bother me and I honestly avoid being disappointed because I know that what he is doing is all for the betterment of our family and our situation.  I love him for it.

But.... every once in a while it sneaks up on me.  Yesterday I met him for lunch before I headed to Phoenix for a wedding and he headed back to New Jersey (with twelve hours notice and no return flight).  I try to let him know what my plans are, but it's very hard to plan around him, so I try to keep myself busy.  And yes, I would have been gone during the next two weeks regardless, but as I kissed him goodbye, my heart sank.  I got in my car and burst into tears.

And yes, it surprised me.

Sometimes our lives look like all fun and games, but there are very lonely moments for us both.  I wouldn't necessarily change things, yet there are times when I wish that life were just a little bit easier.  This was one of those moments where all the intense emotions snuck up and just grabbed a hold of me.  I tried to shake it off quickly and only let myself cry for five or so minutes before I switched back to robot/survival mode.

Knowing he's in New Jersey is a little bit hard.  It feels like the safe haven we had to give up.  I just have to keep reminding myself that this too shall pass.

Keep Your Sugar

Recently we have moved back to Utah.  I dislike it here.  I have my reasons, but I'll leave it at that for now.  And yes, I am qualified to hate it because I grew up here.

I don't like sugar coating.  Unless your a child, you should hear things the way they are.  I'm not saying that people need to say mean or malicious things, but I do believe that honesty is the best policy, even when it's hard to bear.  Which leads me into the number one thing I hate about living here:  People who insult you while pretending to be nice.

The best and perfect example is when people use the term "bless her heart."  Or his heart, or their heart, or whatever.  Bleh.  Just stab them in the back why don't you.  People don't say it because they actually wish blessings on a person, and they use it as an excuse to say anything.  Such as, "She's such a husband stealing home wrecker, bless her heart."  Yeah, keep your ill fated "blessings" to yourself.  My heart is fine.  And if you're using it sarcastically to mock these people, then please, use it more.

Another backhanded compliment?  Using the term "dearest" if you're under the age of 65.  I think my grandmother is the only person in this world I have ever heard use this genuinely.  Otherwise, it's a precursor for a comment that is only meant to be condescending.  So, if you think you are better than everyone else, then by all means, use it frequently.  But I see right through you, so don't expect us to be friends.

These are not exclusive (nor are they mutually exclusive).  There are many ways to try and convince people that you are being nice but actually have ill intent.  If I dislike you, I will not try and be your friend, as a favor to you.  That is my promise.  I only ask that you do the same.

Being Smart

I love school.  I have always loved school.  I have always been the personality type that thrives on things that can be accurately measured- like grades.  For better or for worse, much of my self worth was always based on grades.  If I got an A in a class, that was a satisfactory way for me to measure my value.

Now I live in the real world, and since the days when I graduated college (voted Most Outstanding Student by faculty and with a 3.9 GPA) I have learned that schools in our country may not accurately measure anything.

Like many things in America, I truly believe we have a system in crisis.  What seemed to work fifty years ago has either been continually corrupted or for some other reason, just isn't going to cut it.  Take a walk with Google and just read about the astonishing numbers plaguing our future.

My husband and I share many opinions about the school system, but neither one of us has a solution.  From ourselves to our unborn children, we are constantly discussing the best way to get educated.  I would love to send our future children to private school, should we ever be able to afford it.  Ideally I'd like to live in another country and send them to an International School.  The husband is all about Monday through Friday boarding school after the age of ten.  We both agree that Chinese Immersion is probably best case scenario for the next generation.  While living in Phoenix there was much debate amongst parents about public vs. charter vs. private.  You could talk yourselves in circles for days.  And while I understand some of the arguments for public school, there is no way in hell I will ever send my children.  Why not?  I will give you three good reasons and I believe their value is strong enough to hold up my argument:

1- Kids are not created equally.  Forget kids; Humans are not created equally.  We put them in large groups of learning based on age and not skill.  It's a travesty.  Even a very well trained and educated teacher cannot be accurately prepared for this.  Here's a really sad story:  I have an eleven year old nephew who really struggles with school and he is one of the biggest reasons I don't want my kids in a public school.  Not because I don't love him or see his potential, but because no teacher and even his parents can barely cater to his needs, let alone teach 30+ more students at the same time.  It's just not possible and a very tragic, sad reality.  The worst part is that my sister would put him in a better school, but she's not his biological mom and doesn't get the final word.  Even if she did, I'm not sure they could afford it.

2- While charter and private schools categorize kids the exact same way as public schools, there is some exclusivity to the system.  Non- public schools would draw better teachers and less dead beat parents.  I have many friends that are teachers.  There are many that I respect a great deal and really see them change lives and bring people to crave learning.  But.... there are many who might as well be a greeter at Walmart.  I see some of them on facebook during their classes.  Even as young as Junior High I remember seeing some of my teachers as people who gave up on their dreams, or stayed for the retirement plan, or became a teacher because of the schedule.  I admire countries who pick the very best performers in their field, then offer to pay them MORE to share their knowledge.  Money is a big deal, both for teaching school and for attending it.  If America doesn't pay teachers well, they can only expect to get what they pay for.  And how much easier is it to get educated, or get your children educated, when money is not a concern?  It would make a world of difference in my life.  That I know for a fact.

3- A friend of mine recently argued to me that if she took her son out of charter school and into public school, he'd make better grades and get into a better college.  FALSE.  (You know who you are and I don't intend to offend).  Being smart is not about getting good grades.  In fact, it has nothing to do with it unfortunately.  Putting him in an easier system is only depriving him of the education he could have had and when it comes time to take the ACT, SAT, LSAT, MCAT, GMAT or otherwise, it will only hurt him.  Heaven forbid he get to a point like my nephew who passes every year just because the system allows him to move up a grade without the skills to do so.

I understand that different kids need different things.  My sister and I went to different schools at the same time.  Another sister was put in a Multiple Age Class (MAC) for a few years before skipping a grade.  My brother was held back when starting kindergarten so he could develop more appropriate social skills.  Everyone needs something different because everyone learns in a different way.  I feel like I learn much more by doing and while school is a great format for some subjects, I have learned many things by getting out into the world.  Would I say I have a great education?  No.  Why?  Because I was never encouraged to do so.  I was only encouraged to get good grades, and I did just that.  The thing is, as a person I'd rank at about a B+, but as a student I'm straight A's.  Which is all well and good in college, but out here in the real world I have to learn to readapt my expectations to what I am actually capable of or go get smarter.

I am grateful that we live in a technologically advanced time in which there are so many ways to learn.  I love using Khan Academy for multiple things and I do it for the sake of educational entertainment.  Best case scenario, I would get my kids educated outside of this crumbling country, but that may not be a reality and I will just have to do my best to ensure that I do my due diligence for them.

Being smart is definitely not about grades.  Grades have rewards of their own, but they are not an end all.  Many people have come to success after failing in school.  We truly need a learning revolution and I am so thankful that others have taken on the task full time.  If you have the time, I highly recommend these videos:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDZFcDGpL4U
http://www.ted.com/talks/ken_robinson_says_schools_kill_creativity.html

I love the quote, "We are now educating people out of their creative capacities."

For now, I will pass on my husband's advice for success, what he calls the three M's:
Math, Mandarin, and Marry rich!

Other than that.... good luck to us all.

Couple Friends

I'll be honest, after Junior High I didn't think it would be hard to make friends. By the end of high school I felt like I could be friends with anyone, college revolves around being social, and then when you get married and eventually have kids, you'll just be friends with the neighbors and add them to the retainer of friends you've collected over the years.

Ummmm.... or not so much.

Sometimes I think it's harder to make friends now than ever before. Mostly because I'm trying to make friends for two of us. I mean, I have plenty of friends that I enjoy by myself and so does my husband, but it's really difficult to find a couple that both of us really, really enjoy being with.  He'll make friends with a guy and try to coerce me into being friends with the wife, but it rarely works.  Or I'm friends with a woman and try to get him to hang out with the husband and he couldn't be less interested.  Ironically, he is very good friends with the guy friends I've brought into the marriage.  Weird.

Anyway, it's just hard to keep both parties socially satisfied when it comes to couple friends.  I really hope other people struggle with this.....

You know what else is the worst?  When an existing friend marries someone you are not a huge fan of. Yeah, that stinks.  In fact, I'd say this is one of the most common reasons it's hard to keep old friends.

I'd say it's a little more complicated for us being a childless couple too.  Many friends our age have children and if I go out with the ladies, there is no way the Mr. is spending the night with the other guys babysitting.  He refuses.  He'd rather spend the night alone.  I do admit that he's not the most comfortable human around children, so it makes sense, but it does complicate things a bit.  Particularly because I often spend time with women when their children are around.

I guess the thing is, it's so refreshing when you do find a couple that you both mesh with.  It makes me want to hang on to them much tighter.

My Love for Florida

While thinking about my relationship with New York, I couldn't help but think about Florida- my first true love.

Florida for me is much different than my relationship with New York. I still had a defining moment in my childhood, when I was nine, where I vividly remember thinking, "I'm going to live here someday." So in that way, it's the same.

When I moved to Florida at age 19 (barely), I had only visited twice. Both of which I loved and felt a strong pull to live there. Within a very short amount of time after moving there, it really touched my soul. It just spoke to me. Am I crazy? Does this happen to other people? Well, regardless of whether this happens to other people or not, I know what happened to me. The best way to describe it is that I just found myself there. Almost as if I had been living my whole life waiting to find it. It's where I truly grew up on my own and became my own person, and the best version of myself I could be.

I know for many people they say their missions were like this. I'm sure for some it happens regardless of location. Even though I grew up on the other side of the country, this feels more like "home" than any other place I've ever been. Still, Florida is it for me. It's not only what I love, but who I am.

I Heart NY

After spending the summer out east with one of my favorite cities, I can't help but think how our relationship has grown over the years. Some places are just places, but I truly believe that others grow with the same kind of dynamics as human relationships. Perhaps they are just internal realizations as we change through the years. Whatever the reason, New York is one of those places for me.

This one started early. I was just a young child when I remember asking my mom, "Why is everything in New York?" This was in the days before the internet and any contest you entered or correspondence was through snail mail to New York. She told me it was because a lot of companies were based there, and while I didn't understand quite what that meant at the time, I knew I wanted to go there.

When I was nine my parents took a trip to New York. It wasn't their first but they didn't make a habit of going. I was thrilled for them and when they returned we asked anxiously what it was like to which they responded, "Eh. If I get back there in the next ten years that might be too soon." This was in 1991 during the pre-Juliani, Ninja Turtles in the subway, violence and prostitute laden years.

However, they did return and only seven years later with the whole family. I was sixteen at the time and while I was still burdened by high school life, I knew that in a few short years the world was mine. My parents had instilled a proper fear in us before we arrived so as not to lose any of us and be on our guard. We were driving into the city from upstate New York and as we pulled into Manhattan I was wide eyed and amazed. It was just like the movies! It was honestly like nothing I had ever seen before in my life. Growing up in Salt Lake, Vegas and Los Angeles were the biggest cities I had really ever seen. The scale of it was so much bigger than I had imagined and I just wanted to take it all in. We checked into the Marriott Marquis in Times Square and I remember thinking how small our rooms were- in such a big city! Makes perfect sense to me now. We walked out late that night to have dinner, all of us cautiously holding hands and being nervous about the late night company on the streets.

The next morning everything changed. By the time we were having lunch we had stopped holding hands and started getting a little more comfortable. We did the sight seeing thing and had the greatest time ever. My sister and I still talk about that trip and all the shenanigans that took place. I remember the first time I said to myself, "I want to live here. I have to live here!"

I told everyone I knew that New York was the greatest place ever. The city had been very much cleaned up and was quite charming. The summer after high school my dad had work there and took me with him. We had a great time staying at the World Trade Center Marriott (lost only a short year later), and seeing the sights. On the days he had to work he'd say "Have fun, go find something interesting to do." By myself!? Yes, by myself, and that's the way I've enjoyed it most ever since. I didn't dare ride the subway by myself but I did a lot of walking and I loved exploring.

A year and a half later I was well into college. I had friends living there and planned to go whenever possible. I got comfortable using the subway on my own and got to experience New York in ways that I only hope to be able to again someday. While living in Florida I took advantage of the post September 11 cheap flights and went on numerous occasions.

The real kicker was my 21st birthday trip. With my two best friends in tow, and a handful of others meeting us there, I had the best vacation and birthday! It was everything I dreamed it would be, not to mention it was Christmas time which made it that much more magical. Up to that point it felt like New York and I had been dating and suddenly I was in love.

The first time I actually moved there I was approaching 22 and became a nanny for a family whom I love and adore. Every weekend was spent in the city (again Christmas time). I saw the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and spent New Year's Eve in Times Square. I was kind of a super tourist.

By the time I was married, we set out for our first summer in New York. We lived in Queens and my New York world expanded greatly. My husband's father was concerned that we'd be living there only to find out his last time visiting was in 1982. That was truly the summer I became more of a local than a tourist.

Since then, we have lived in or around the city a handful of times. I am always thrilled when it works out for us to go there. I had a friend living there not long ago and heard someone say to her, "I know it seems glamourous but I'm sure sometimes it's a real bear." So true. That is New York in summary.

There was a time (and still are times) when I could see myself living in an apartment and enjoying the amenities of the city forever. I wouldn't even have minded raising kids there. The city has so much to offer and I truly think that America only has three "cities": New York, Chicago, and San Francisco. Of which New York is clearly the superior. I remember my dad saying to me on our trip so many years ago, "I can understand how people crave the city living, but I surely can't relate to it." All I could think was a heartfelt, love struck, "I can."

I really feel like my love for the city peaked about four years ago. I just felt like we were marching to the same beat, almost like we belonged to each other, a perfect match. Now, I feel like it's a more comfortable marriage, we have our moments, but love each other just the same. Every time we move or say goodbye, my heart breaks just a little. It's like saying goodbye to a cherished friend that you always miss.

I have so many great, great memories that have taken place there. Many important life moments have occurred, friendships have been made, and experiences have been had. I look back and think that New York is such a big part of me and always will be. I'm so grateful for that and feel sad for those who have missed out.

I have my days where New York pisses me off. It stinks, it's crowded, it's cold, it's hot, it's hard to find a bathroom, the trash is lying on the street, etc. But the charm of the city will always surpass it's shortcomings. I hate to think that I might see the day where the city turns once again to it's crime infested past or will no longer be such an influential part of my life. Until then, I will soak in as much as I possibly can.

Goodbye Summer

Summer is essentially over for us. Back to the grind and the boredom. Fortunately for any straggling readers out there, boredom turns me to blogging.

The Evolution of Life

Sometimes I feel like my life falls right in between here....

and here....

Lately even more so.

Being in a married, but childless couple, is typically a very short stepping stone for a lot of people. As the years go on, for us it becomes our normal- our every day. And don't get me wrong, I have no problem with that at all. I quite like where we are. I think too many people see life as a checklist, and after getting married, having children is the next thing on the list. I say, love where you are. Stay and enjoy it for a little while.

So I guess the problem lies mostly in socializing. At my age, most my friends fall into one of the above categories. This allows me to find myself in varying degrees of life phases, but all in the present.

For example:

A few short weeks ago I was visiting a friend with three kids. I love the kids. I love the cute things they say and do. I love the simplicity of living out your day.

BUT....

I hate going to the park and sitting mindlessly while watching them play. I hate fighting them at meals. I hate the terrible cartoons they watch on tv and kid movies they see in the theatre. I hate the bickering. I hate the messes. I hate the tantrums and the split second change of emotions. I hate the errands. I hate having to get a babysitter in order to maintain any sense of adult sanity.

THEN:

A few less weeks ago I was visiting my still single college roommate. I love her. I love all the fun things we do together. I love catching up. I love feeling careless. I love reminiscing. I love meeting new people and seeing old friends.

BUT....

I hate the sense of meaningless. I hate the way she seems to try and impress strangers. I hate that she is always on some type of social media. I hate that she is not plugged into any kind of family life. I hate that taking care of yourself converts so easily into selfishness. I hate that marriage and sacrifice and giving so much to someone else seems lost on her at times. I hate that the transition into adulthood has been altered by circumstances.

This isn't just an extreme example of either end that happened to take place recently. This is my every day life. Last night I had dinner with my cousin's family of five and later this week I will have dinner with my single cousin. This literally happens nearly every week.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't somewhat enjoy it. I like experiencing a little bit of life this way and life that way. The hard part is that they both frustrate me! I come home exhausted from the kids or feeling empty from the lack of personal relationships and meaning.

I can't argue the point that I'm in a very selfish marriage. We both want what we want. BUT, it is still a marriage and we both make huge sacrifices for each other. Nothing we do is strictly about ourselves. I miss being single, but would I want to be single now? No way. I look forward to being a mom someday but am I sad I'm not one now? No way.

I've sort of had this epiphany about the evolution of life and where I am finding myself "10 years later"... or where I'll find myself 10 years from now. I am finding that you can look back, but you can only move forward. I cherished the time I had to be on my own out in the world. I would have even gladly welcomed a few more years of it. I think as time passes I realize more and more how crucial that time was to the person I am now. I think I will miss that time more than any other phase of life when all is said and done and it's a shame that those years passed so quickly. Still... the twenties were such a decade of discovery. I was a little bit nervous about them when they began and as I approach my thirties I have never in my life been so excited for the next 10 years. I think they are going to be amazing... but I'm not quite there yet.

And I'm happy about that too.

Secret Ambitions

Not too long ago I went to a local theatre production with my mom. Her teenage neighbor had a part in it so we went to support her. As I watched her up on that stage acting, I so deeply admired her bravery.

I've never been one for the spotlight. I am fearfully shy for the most part and I hate feeling exposed and vulnerable. Even so, every girl dreams about what it would feel like. I never did do any kind of theatre. I didn't see it as an acceptable activity for fitting in with the "cool" kids. Being shy, fitting in is your best option- people won't pay extra attention to you, but they will accept you.

Now that I'm an adult I still have shy tendencies. I still don't want all kinds of attention, but there's not a lot of pressure to "fit in" anywhere. There are truly as many varying degrees of adult personalities as there are snowflakes, as they say. (Not to mention, if you're truly in a good marriage you should receive most of your acceptance in the world from it and nothing else matters.) I've thought about this a lot since high school. I wish I knew then what I know now and I truly wish I hadn't been worried about the things that were constantly on my mind back then. Because the truth? They don't matter one bit now.

It got me thinking about all the things I would've/should've/could've done, had I ignored my inhibitions. I think I'd have mustered up the courage to at least try things and maybe find something I truly enjoyed. It makes me admire, all the more, kids today who do the things they love because they love it. I have a brother who wouldn't know how to live any differently and I I admire him so much for it.

Repetitive Arguments

Why is it that every time the Mr. and I have a significant disagreement, I feel like we've had it before? It's like there's no end to the war, just battle after battle after battle.

Like today when the same old issue arrived on the doorstep, he immediately says, "yeah, well... I'm sorry." YOU'RE SORRY?! No, I don't accept. Fix. It. Don't just apologize as if to say, "well, that's who I am and you're just gonna have to live with it." I still can't believe that's the first thing he said- the white flag immediately went up, like he knows I'm gonna be pissed, but why go there when he can just relent. Well, no thanks. I want a resolution, not an apology!

It makes me feel like all the hundreds of times we tried to resolve this in the past, nothing ever stuck. On this particular matter, the last confrontation was pretty big. I felt like I had to cave a little and he was humbled a little and the fact that the same subject is now back on the table is him saying, "actually, I didn't change at all. I just told you what you wanted to hear." Which actually isn't even true because it wasn't what I wanted to hear and I wasn't happy with it then.

The more my blood boils the more I realize that we are always fighting about the same damn things. In general, I think we get along great. I know for a fact that he gives in more than I do, but sometimes when a person is right there's no changing it (and I can promise you that I am right on this one). Even if I weren't right, doesn't he understand that it's important to me? It matters to me?

Journaling

Lately I've had a lot of things on my mind. Unfortunately, I am not ready to release most of them to the cyber world, not to mention to about three of the people whom I know read this blog.

Growing up I was a very dedicated journal writer. Looking back now I realize that was both a curse and a blessing. There's a lot I learn form my past self (sometimes I think maybe I'm the opposite of progressing...) and sometimes the stuff is just lame, embarrassing, or totally worthless and makes me seem like a freak for even writing any of it down. But the one thing I love most about it is that it's the most raw version of me, in any given moment. This blog, as opposed to "look at how picturesque my life is" family blog, is kind of like that. And there are a lot of reasons I don't mix the two.

You see, I'm a very emotional journal writer. In fact, the Mr. always teases that I only write in my journal when I'm mad at him, and if he catches me doing it, will shower me with apologies for whatever he did wrong. It's only half true though. The problem about being an emotional writer is that not every emotion is positive (which can be scary if you're equipped with the weapon of words) and when you are that emotional it definitely can stand in the way of logic.

In this day and age, I find it hard to pick up a pen and actually write on blank pages. My hand starts cramping after less then three minutes and it makes me wonder if my children will ever physically "write" things in today's expanding technological world. Not to mention, now that I have a blog (or two or three) the journal thing has kind of fallen by the wayside. The great thing about this is that I am still good at documenting events and such and it makes it so easy, but the drawback is that while you get a glimpse of my life, there is really no platform for me to expose my soul; the good, the bad, and the downright ugly. And here's the thing- aren't we all this way? Isn't there still so much we conceal and hide because we don't want to voluntarily be so vulnerable?

I think of all the times I've spent re-reading old journals- crying, laughing, rolling my eyes- sometimes the way I feel about something in the present comes to a new light when I read about the way I used to feel about something. It's almost as if I understand myself a little bit more. But looking back on my blog books, I don't get that kind of depth, everything is just pretty platonic. Sure, there are things that bring back good memories and occasionally sad ones, but there's no real hearty substance to them.

But you can't just go writing whatever you want and let the world read it! At least... I can't. Perhaps it's my own self awareness, or my lack of confidence, or fear of judgement. Whatever it is, it holds me back.

So, that's the reason I can't won't write about all the things that have been on my mind lately. But I do know this- they are shaping who I am. You know all that hype about thoughts becoming your character? It's occurring to me as we speak. Not all my thoughts are positive or maybe they are just a bit cynical, and some of them are very positive and uplifting, but they are definitely changing the way I see the world, the way I see myself in this world, and the way I see others in the world.

Busy Doing Nothing... and Stuff

My husband was just telling me today that I have a talent for filling down time with productive things that no one else really cares about. I guess he's right. Lately I feel like I always have a project (or many projects). Thus the blog neglect. But these things are keeping me happy and productive and generally help me avoid unnecessary stress caused by my own over worrying about life in general. So, all is well. I'm sure I'll find time for blog expression in the near future, but for now I'm filling my life with tasks.

My Mortal Prison

So the other day I was in the car with my parents and I don't remember the unfolding of this conversation, but it happened...

My mom brought up some incident where someone maybe claimed to have seen their body as they died and their spirit drifted off into heaven- or maybe it was all hypothetical. As we soaked in the thought casually she asked us, "That would be so weird. What would you be thinking as you drifted away and saw your own body lying there?"

"WOOHOO! I am so done with you!" I shouted without too much thought.

It caught them both off guard but they both started laughing. My dad started nodding in agreement and said he might feel the same way. My mom just kind of shrugged and smiled at the thought.

I said, "What? You don't think Grandma felt that way?"

We all concluded that I'm sure she did. If you're a blog follower you'll know that she passed last April after a long battle with an aging body. It was awful. I just felt so much pity for her as it continued, and as sad as it was to see her go, we all knew she was shouting praises as she left us all behind. My mom even said she felt like other close family members who have passed kind of lingered or looked back, but not our sweet Grandma! She was over it.

So, to give a little substance to my comment, I just feel imprisoned by my mortal body sometimes. A lot of times. And I have to admit that I'm grateful for every pain free day full of "normal" activity, and I've had a lot of them lately.

Still, arthritis is not kind on the human body. It's extremely crippling when it gets severe and the shame of being in a wheelchair at 25 is something you don't quickly forget. The embarrassment of having someone assist you in the bathroom can steal your dignity, and the mental adjustments you have to make to accommodate your physical limitations are more suited for someone three times your age.

So it always has me wondering...

why does my body have a hard time doing this....

While other people can use their bodies to do this!!

It amazes me. I don't even know how people come up with these things. "I know! Let's try...."

Really? C'mon. That's just too amazing.

Struggling with physical problems in my twenties constantly has me worrying about what it will be like when I'm in my thirties, or forties, or fifties, or beyond! I mean, if it's bad now, what's to come? So you can maybe understand why my spirit will be rejoicing at it leaves my mortal body in the dust. Not to be morbid, but it sure makes death seem a little bit wonderful.

Homebody

Have I ever told you that I lead two different lives?

One where I'm energetic and spunky, out and about, doing everything I can conquer in the short hours of a day, and taking the world in one piece at a time.

And one where I'm a hermit. It's unexciting and dull.... and for some reason I find it rejuvenating.

I've met some homebodies in my time and although I don't think I'm the most extreme, I can definitely hold my own. My husband finds it disturbing when I haven't left the house for three days (and I'm talking not even to get the mail), so he'll say, "C'mon! Let's go somewhere and get out of the house." Most the time I look baffled and think, "uh-oh, has it really been that long again?"

It just doesn't bother me. I feel like there are plenty of things to accomplish within the walls of my own home, but it's not always about accomplishment either. I like peace and quiet. I like being left to my own thoughts. I like not having to go through the hassle of getting out the door every day of my life (I count it at a blessing, in fact).

I do love to travel, so when I'm out, I AM OUT! I do and see everything I can and I love every little second of it.

But when I'm home, I like to be home.

I think in some ways it's kind of a burden. I realize when I've been home for a long time and in hibernating mode I sometimes have trouble shifting the gears back. I don't like to talk to strangers or making small talk and I have a hard time coming back out of my shell, but it eventually it wears off and I'm back to my first personality again.

The adventurous side of me is definitely more interesting, but I guess it's because of the other side that I really develop any depth.

Coming Right Up: The 7 Year Itch

Yep, it's upon us. Our seventh wedding anniversary is only a few months away. It came up the other day in a conversation with my mom and sister and my mom said, "oh, you know what that means- the seven year itch!" I could only laugh and say that I'd gotten it a year early and experienced the six year itch.

I've been familiar with the term nearly as long as I can remember. As a big Full House fan growing up they did a parody episode called "The Seven Month Itch," where Uncle Jesse had been living with and helping raise the girls only to crave his bad boy college life again. A completely understandable desire now that I'm an adult.

Then there is the famous movie, Marilyn Monroe and all. The wife and kids are shipped off for the summer and she moves in the building and naively tempts the man. And in case you haven't seen it or don't know, it's the one with the famous white dress scene. It's slow like older movies can be, but still quite good and entertaining.

My interpretation of the modern seven year itch has nothing to do with being tempted by another relationship, but has everything to do with an anxiety to just be free. Free from the responsibilities of marriage.

I have to admit, I have it pretty damn good. I think if people are in fact "meant for each other," then we are (although I personally don't believe in it). Still, I feel like we chose wisely and have reaped plenty of rewards for it.

So I have a great marriage.

But still.....

At six years I was grateful but feeling smothered. For no particular reason and definitely not by any cause of my husband. I just.... yearned for something that wasn't there. There really is no better way to describe it than an itch. I found myself easily annoyed and wanting to do whatever I wanted to do. I didn't even want to be in the presence of a marriage. I just felt like I was over it, although I would never, ever want it to end because deep down inside I knew this too would pass.

I have a few theories on why this happens. I think it's mostly because when you get married you are two individuals, very separate and distinct. But as time moves on your personalities, interests, beliefs, and characteristics blend together until you don't know which ones you brought to the table in the first place. It's almost like losing a sense of who you are, even though you may be a better person because of it. An itch.

In time, the itch relieved itself. It didn't take long and there wasn't any defining moment. It just left secretly in the night, the exact same way it had come.

Now that I know what it really feels like, I wonder if I was just getting a taste for the real one- the seven year. I mean, generations of people have surely used this term for a reason? There can't be a mistake on the timing? If so, I'm definitely in for it.

I know every marriage has it's ups and downs. Even the strongest marriages. We happen to be going through a very rough patch right now. There is really no tangible reason for it, but there is a huge void and a large distance between us at the moment. It's a matter of life pulling us in two different directions and living separate lives together. Everything demanding our time at the moment is consuming on both parts and none of the reasons overlap. Thus we both spend all our efforts in fixing these things and have none left for each other. It's rough.

The reason I mention it is because it's lonely and desperate- definitely for me, and surely for him. I know we're gonna get through it, but right now there's no time for damage control and there isn't any time in the foreseeable future. So instead of patching up the leaks, they just get bigger as the rain keeps coming. I'm just not sure we could handle an itch on top of it all.

But.....

We have three months. And I know for a fact that at least the sun will be shining by then, and that is reason enough for me to wait it out.

The Suffocations of Suburbia

Any tv show I've almost ever watched is based in suburbia. Or maybe just the ones I paid attention to growing up. I guess it makes perfect sense. I mean since 1950, more Americans have lived in suburbia than anywhere else. Both of my parents grew up in the suburbs and I think a few of my grandparents.

Recently I watched the entire series of The Wonder Years. I love that show. After Winnie's brother dies in Vietnam and Kevin kisses her for the first time he says, "Whenever some blowhard starts talking about the anonymity of the suburbs or the mindlessness of the tv generation... we know that inside each one of those identical boxes, with it's dodge parked out front and it's white bread on the table and it's tv set glowing blue in the falling dusk, there were people with stories. There were families bound together in the pain and the struggle of love. There were moments that made us cry with laughter. And there were moments, like that one, of sorrow and wonder."

And although I think the sentiment is beautiful and very true, the suburbs still make me wary for some reason or another.

I've definitely done my fair share of time in the suburbs. I grew up in the suburbs without a doubt, and even though we moved a handful of times growing up, it was always from one suburb to another, usually only a mile or two from the last. Even in my married life we've spent more time in the suburbs than anywhere else. And can I just say- wow. That was really something!

I read an article only a few years back about my own generation. Most of us grew up in the suburbs and many of us are detesting them now. Not a majority, but quite possibly in the future. This article made the point that so many of us came from broken homes (which I did not... at least by definition), that many didn't correlate successful families to the kind of environment the suburbs provide. Makes perfect sense to me. It also pointed out that our generation is much more aware of what is going on in the world around them- we are going greener, we are repopulating urban centers, we are revitalizing entire cities, etc. I wish I remember where I'd read it and I'd link it here, but the point being that my generation is going through a major paradigm shift and ditching conventional for new ways of life.

As I read this I thought how appealing all of this sounded to me, and how much of it was already true about me. I would love to walk to the market every day. I would love to ditch a car (or two) and use public transportation. I would love to buy organic foods, bamboo floors, and hemp sofas. I would trade (in a heartbeat) my children each having their own rooms for the cultural experiences that urban centers provide. I would rather pay very little for a public park than a lot of money for a huge yard (and have to take care of it).

I've spent a fair amount of time in cities. I love the city! Still, I'd like to have a family someday and the two are not completely cohesive, although it is possible and I admire and secretly envy those who do it. But, I was having a bit of an epiphany as I read this article in Hoboken, NJ where we were living for the summer.

I love Hoboken. It is the greatest little city right outside of Manhattan with a completely urban feel. It has great restaurants, beautiful parks, local bakeries, stunning views, convenient transportation, and believe it or not- neighbors who know each other! It's the "Manhattan for Families" as my husband and I call it, and with a much cheaper price tag. I was expressing my love for it one time in front of a friend of my parents and it was all he could do to keep from scowling. "When I lived in New Jersey we'd never dare even drive within ten miles of that place!" he said. This was about forty years ago and it's amazing how it's this hip new urban center that people flock to now. Goodbye crime, hello play dates!

At the time Hoboken was much more appealing than the suburban dream home we'd been living in for about three years. Sure, it was gorgeous and wonderful, but we were definitely in over our heads- and in more ways than one! We didn't know it at the time as well as we should have, but we were the definition of house poor- strapped by a mortgage and the promise of the American Dream. The notion of "owning your home is the way to wealth" doesn't hold much water for me after that experience.

It also was an odd place for a childless couple. Eventually we found a cozy place to fit in with our surroundings and neighbors, but it took longer than it takes a family, that's for sure. I knew we were much better suited for a cozy loft at the time, but we were in the mode of looking forward, thinking that we knew where we were headed. Wow, were we wrong!

And shall we visit the drama for just a moment? Holy moly. People in the suburbs who put on these shows of lives that are somehow "put together" were in fact anything but. I think maybe this is why I enjoy Mad Men so much. Lots and lots of suppressed feelings and secrets and lies. It definitely explained the term "desperate housewife."

So why do people do it? Is there something in my psyche that led me in that direction?

I'm almost positive. I moved there as if the decision had been made twenty years ago. For all the same reasons that I think people fulfill "expectations" without thinking through them first. Even the big ones, like getting married and having babies. Sad, but true. And the only sad part is where they end up because of it, because these should be the most momentous, celebrated occasions of our lives and I know that they can be under the right circumstances.

Before I married The Man, he used to talk about this pretend life that he pictured- white picket fence and all that came along with it.

Now, I'm much more in the "let's write our own destiny" mode. The same mode that makes me want to find a modern loft in the city.

Still, I have that daunting feeling of "what might the future hold?"

I turn once again to Kevin Arnold who said, "I grew up in the suburbs. I guess most people think of the suburb as a place with all the disadvantages of the city, and none of the advantages of the country, and vice versa. But, in a way, those really were the wonder years for us there in the suburbs. It was kind of a golden age for kids."

Would I be depriving my future children of something if they were to be raised in a city? Am I preventing them from putting down roots if we move around a bit? Or am I offering them unique life experiences that we might all benefit from?

It's hard to say really.

For now, I think I've settled on something in the middle (in my mind that is). Someplace near downtown with a little bit of room to spread out, but without the ugly commute. Maybe something like this:

I guess we all have to determine what we want and find our own little piece of heaven... and I can guarantee I will never find mine in a tract home.

Let's Take a Trip!

So, here's my vacation dilemma. I like tropical. I don't really see a need to visit snow, especially since I've lost the beloved ability to ski which I'm still somewhat bitter about. However, I currently live on the west coast and let's just discuss getaways for a moment:

• California- nice. beautiful. I love it, in fact. But it is hardly tropical and rarely warm.
• Hawaii- I'm not rich so that basically rules that out.
• Alaska- the opposite of tropical (though I would like to go at least once)
• Mexico.

Ok Mexico- you are warm, you are generally affordable, and you are within reach.....

But I don't really like you.

Yes, I have been to Mexico and been less than impressed. Now before you Mexico fanatics get all up in my business, just hear me out.

It seems like anytime someone is selling Mexico, I see pictures and ads like this:

I even think to myself, "wow, that looks nice."

Yet somehow when I arrive in Mexico, it looks like this:

Just to be fair, I have to give Puerta Vallarta some props, but otherwise I could care less about going to Mexico. I've been to Cabo (American Mexico), Mazatlan (just shoot me because that would probably be more enjoyable), and Cozumel (relaxing is great but could we possibly find something to do here?). Oh and lest we forget Tijuana.

So let's revisit our options here...

Hawaii?

Ahhhh, yessss. I love Hawaii.

Oh but wait....

back to the money scenario.

I've been to Hawaii twice. I had a great time both times. The first time I left I actually cried. But by the time I save up enough money for the hubby and I to go to Hawaii, this looks much more enticing for the same price:

Or better yet, this:

Point of this rant being that basically all the places I'd like to go visit are far away and consume much of our available time off in travel time. So.... I guess what I'm saying is....

we should definitely move.

May I Speak Candidly For a Moment?

I guess that's all I really do here. Still, there are some personal things that I keep to myself. Today I just need to vent.

What is up with being a woman? I mean, seriously- it can be so miserable sometimes.

Like today, for me.

I've been on birth control since before I got married (approximately 7 years now) and I have loved almost every second of it. And I am serious when I say the word love. It makes me feel completely balanced and in control of my otherwise erratic female body. I was so mad at my mother for not "cluing me in" earlier since I felt so much better on it when I started. I don't understand people who hate birth control. In fact, I think you're psycho. But, I know that everyone's bodies react differently to different things (blah, blah, blah). I've been on maybe 4 different types of birth control and I love each one just a little bit more.

So recently, I've stopped taking birth control (feel free to draw your own assumptions, although I will confirm or deny nothing) and you might as well just put me in the crazy house. My moods are haywire, my body is doing crazy things, and my sanity has gone right out the window! I feel like a walking nightmare.

On top of that, my body is re-regulating itself to it's natural cycles.... the worst part of all. For three months now I have gotten the periods from hell that only continue to get progressively worse. I guess the good news is that they are regular? That way I at least expect them. Still, I basically want to die. I never had them this bad before I went on birth control, so why now?

Last night's cramps kept me up half the night writhing in pain and self loathing for my body. No pain killers (not even the hard stuff) could touch them. I felt like there was an entire organ inside rotting and trying to escape from my body with a vengeance. I hardly ever got cramps before, and only mildly and rarely while on the pill so this is just unbearable.

They say the pill releases the same hormones as being pregnant, so maybe I'll be one of those crazy people who LOVES pregnancy and every other woman wants to beat down with her handbag.

I remember in eighth grade a group of girls were talking about this subject and one said, "All I know is I'm gonna have a lot to say about it to God someday!" My feelings today tell me I'll be recruiting an army to do the same.

Rebel Without a Cause

As the oldest child I was born with that "eager to please" gene. A lot of first children get that. Sometimes it's built in and sometimes it's harvested through expectation, but whatever the reason, it definitely exists. Even as an adult I feel like different pressure is placed on me by being the oldest child. It's probably all in my mind at this point, but I'm not sure I'll really ever overcome it.

Because of this attitude I feel like I'm very much a Type A personality. I feel like I have a strong moral compass and try not only to do what's right, but try to do everything to the very best of my abilities. When things go bad I aim to do things better than everyone else. I think most of the praise I thrived off of as a child came from completing things well or better than expected, particularly from my father. There is something in me that just never wants to disappoint him and impressing him is even more rewarding.

This is all well and good, but since I feel like I live by a high moral standard and value responsibility, I don't feel like I need much guidance (a terrible flaw of mine). I'd rather do things myself than delegate them to others and I'm very independent. If someone doubts me, I'll do whatever I can to prove them wrong. I guess my driving force is the three year old attitude of, "I'll do it the way I want and I'll do it myself!" So, (I'm sort of feeling exposed here) stubbornness is a real strong trait of mine- feel free to ask my husband about it.

Because of all these things, there is nothing I hate more in this whole world than being told what to do. I can't stand it. Since I'm usually the bossy one, I hate getting a taste of my own medicine. I will refuse to do something just because of the nature in which it was insisted. Requests are fine, but telling me the way it is is NOT effective.

Prime example-

In high school my parents gave me a curfew (I had one earlier, but it never mattered because I couldn't drive anyway and neither could my friends). It was a pretty regular curfew of midnight. I felt like that was pretty fair and there were few nights that I'd prefer to be out later than that anyway. But they TOLD me the way it was, and that did not go well. The firmer my curfew got, the longer I'd push it back. I'd literally be doing nothing interesting, but I wanted them to know that I could manage myself and make my own decisions. Even looking back, I know I could (unlike many teens). Sometimes I'd sit in my car around the corner waiting for my curfew to pass just to piss them off (ridiculous, I know- shall we revisit the word stubborn?).

The curfew situation got worse and worse and so did my relationship with my parents and our tolerance for each other. One day my mom finally said to me, "Ok, I trust you. You have no more curfew."

FREEDOM!

Thank goodness I had a mother willing to recognize the problem. In the following months I can't even tell you how many times I was home by 10:30, just because there was nothing interesting to do. My parents were in heaven and the one or two nights I stayed out past midnight worried them much less. I'd usually roll in not much later and I had usually fallen asleep at my friend's house anyway. It was glorious.

My sister on the other hand, had no curfew and would be out ALL night long. So my parents gave her a curfew and she was rarely a minute late. She would have been in big trouble and she knew it.

We were just different kids and my parents learned it early enough to adapt. Different things just work for different people- and boy, are we different people!

Still, I do things like this all the time. If someone tells me to do something, I won't just to spite them. It's quite ridiculous. I guess I feel like I was a good kid that didn't need monitoring so this was my only was to rebel without making myself unhappy. That definitely carried into adulthood. I'm not saying I always made, or continue to make, sound judgements, but I'm pretty capable and I just don't like being bossed around.

There's Something Just a Little Off....

Wow! Two posts in one week after months of sparse blogging? My husband must be out of town. You guessed it. And there's probably plenty more to come.

So one thing I love about moms, sisters, and sometimes (when they are brave) husbands, is that they tell it to you straight. If I look like crap, no one hides it. I say it back to all of them as well. Who better to tell you that you are falling apart than someone who really loves you? This very thing happened today when my mother said to me, "I looked in the mirror and realized my hair looks terrible... but then I looked at you and you had the same thing going on." Awesome.

The thing is, this is kind of the story of my life.

I love getting dressed up or have some kind of an occasion to look "put together" for. It can be something as simple as a shower or dinner with friends, all the way to a fancy night out on the town. Whatever- it doesn't happen often, so I relish in it when it does. I'll try to pick out just the right outfit, spend time doing every strand of hair, and pretending that I know how to apply makeup.

Unfortunately for me, it only kind of works out. I'll be feeling pretty good about myself and somewhere in the time span of the unfolding event I will have some sort of hiccup in my plan to be a composed adult. It's not always a big deal, but it's the little things that get you, you know? Lipstick on my teeth, losing a button (always right on the cleavage), a bra strap keeps slipping out, I break a heel on my shoe, I get a wedgie, I break a nail (or two or three), my fly is undone, I have a zit in the middle of my face, I trip on my shoelaces, I lose an earring, or a myriad of other little things. It's as if the universe refuses to let me be perfectly composed for one night of my life. That would be way to impressive.

It's not always about the way I look either (I'm vain, but not that vain). I'll give you two good examples:

A- One night the hubby and I went to a film festival. The screening we went to was for a film that one of our friends had produced (it was fantastic, by the way). So before the screening they had a place to hang out and we got to meet the cast and all that fun stuff. It was really exciting to know someone that had something to do with it and we had planned accordingly and tried to make it a fun night out. We had to wait in line for a pretty long time and before we stepped into the theatre I left the group to hit the restroom. I was rushing along and dropped my ticket right in the toilet. This is not the first time I've dropped things in the toilet (the worst was my phone at the mall), so I knew I had to go right in for it. Luckily, it wasn't fully emerged and I tried to shake it off and handed it embarrassingly to the usher. Chuckling and somewhat horrified, I shuffled off towards my seat when the back of my shoe got stuck on a stair and ripped the heel right off of it (yep, I wasn't just saying that). I had quite the story to tell since the two minutes since I'd last seen my party. Ridiculous.

B- Only a few weeks ago we had a formal ball with some friends for New Year's Eve. I'm talking ball gowns here. Super duper fancy style. As I'm busting a move out on the dance floor (not good moves, either), I drop straight to the ground after tripping on my dress. I have to admit, it was hysterical and I kind of wished that someone caught it on tape, but nevertheless- can't I just keep myself together!?

I don't generally suffer from clumsiness, but you never know when it could sneak up on you. I can't imagine that these occurrences would lessen when I have children, in fact, I am terrified they will increase (and I'm pretty sure I'm right).

*le sigh*

I'm in the mood to blog.

The question is- about what?

I don't really have anything to share....

Or maybe I have too much to share and just can't organize my thoughts.

Yep, that's it.

So what will it be tonight? Ahh....

My husband finally caved and got us the Netflix. I'm not a huge advocate of tv. I really never watch it except when my husband picks something out and I'm in the same room. Which is basically always. So yeah, I guess I watch a lot of tv, or rather just listen in on it. Some things catch my interest and others don't. When he goes to work I never turn the thing on and sometimes when I try I realize I don't even know how. Pathetic.

Anyway, like I said, he caved and got the Netflix. He only got me to agree to the 30 day trial up front because I don't like paying for stuff we don't use (and by we, I mean I). Plus we don't pay for our cable right now- not because we're stealing it or anything (even though I think that's morally gray and wouldn't necessarily be against it), but it's included in our HOA fees or something weird.

Tangents.

The point is... I love it. I admit it whole heartedly. I've always been a big fan of Hulu and such because I can catch the shows I know I want to watch (and with very few commercials), in the time I choose. But Netflix has opened me up to a new way of watching tv (something I still don't condone getting sucked into). I have become somewhat of a documentary whore, for starters. But I feel like I'm learning a lot about obscure and various things. Most of these will be rendered useless random knowledge, but I find them interesting regardless. Plus it's better than watching some filthy smut reality tv or something (*cough* Jersey Shore *cough*).

Another great feature is that it recommends things based on what you watch. Not only individual viewings, but entire categories. It's been quite comical and somewhat disturbing to see what it suggests to the husband and I. I probably shouldn't bring attention to this, but after a few days of my using the Netflix there was a category called "Documentaries on Food." The husband rolled his eyes knowing full well that it's been a recent prolonged obsession of mine. However, the power was put back in my hands when after a few days of him using the service it created a category called "Raunchy Comedies." That's right. My husband ladies and gentlemen.

He does like the documentaries as well. Plus it gives immediate updates on things like SNL (something he's recently brought to my attention), so you don't have to wait for it to come out on DVD. Great news for me since I'm in bed most Saturday nights (hey, I'm getting old- don't judge me).

So my final thoughts on the matter are- it's cheaper than a movie. Just get it.

Disclaimer: I DO NOT get paid by Netflix in any way, shape or form. I just like it and wanted to share. But if you do know how to get me paid for my endorsement, I could always use a vacation.

The Passing of Time

Lately I've felt like time has been slipping right by. Not only in my day to day life, but I'm hitting some pretty big milestones this year and it seems so surreal.

10 years with the company

7 years with the marriage

30 years of life

It's just amazing how I can talk about things that happened TEN years ago and feel like it all happened yesterday. I can't believe that I remember those things with such clarity. Even high school is a little fuzzy (thanks mostly to my efforts to forget it), but from the day I graduated everything just stuck. I always say that MY life really began that day- not the one my parents were navigating- and obviously the memories have followed me all along.

I've been feeling a little sentimental about it all. I don't necessarily like being sentimental, but it seems to remind me of where I've been and I know that it's all a part of who I am now. In all honesty- I would go back ten years and do it all over again in a heartbeat.