Sometimes I feel like my life falls right in between here....
and here....
Lately even more so.
Being in a married, but childless couple, is typically a very short stepping stone for a lot of people. As the years go on, for us it becomes our normal- our every day. And don't get me wrong, I have no problem with that at all. I quite like where we are. I think too many people see life as a checklist, and after getting married, having children is the next thing on the list. I say, love where you are. Stay and enjoy it for a little while.
So I guess the problem lies mostly in socializing. At my age, most my friends fall into one of the above categories. This allows me to find myself in varying degrees of life phases, but all in the present.
For example:
A few short weeks ago I was visiting a friend with three kids. I love the kids. I love the cute things they say and do. I love the simplicity of living out your day.
BUT....
I hate going to the park and sitting mindlessly while watching them play. I hate fighting them at meals. I hate the terrible cartoons they watch on tv and kid movies they see in the theatre. I hate the bickering. I hate the messes. I hate the tantrums and the split second change of emotions. I hate the errands. I hate having to get a babysitter in order to maintain any sense of adult sanity.
THEN:
A few less weeks ago I was visiting my still single college roommate. I love her. I love all the fun things we do together. I love catching up. I love feeling careless. I love reminiscing. I love meeting new people and seeing old friends.
BUT....
I hate the sense of meaningless. I hate the way she seems to try and impress strangers. I hate that she is always on some type of social media. I hate that she is not plugged into any kind of family life. I hate that taking care of yourself converts so easily into selfishness. I hate that marriage and sacrifice and giving so much to someone else seems lost on her at times. I hate that the transition into adulthood has been altered by circumstances.
This isn't just an extreme example of either end that happened to take place recently. This is my every day life. Last night I had dinner with my cousin's family of five and later this week I will have dinner with my single cousin. This literally happens nearly every week.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't somewhat enjoy it. I like experiencing a little bit of life this way and life that way. The hard part is that they both frustrate me! I come home exhausted from the kids or feeling empty from the lack of personal relationships and meaning.
I can't argue the point that I'm in a very selfish marriage. We both want what we want. BUT, it is still a marriage and we both make huge sacrifices for each other. Nothing we do is strictly about ourselves. I miss being single, but would I want to be single now? No way. I look forward to being a mom someday but am I sad I'm not one now? No way.
I've sort of had this epiphany about the evolution of life and where I am finding myself "10 years later"... or where I'll find myself 10 years from now. I am finding that you can look back, but you can only move forward. I cherished the time I had to be on my own out in the world. I would have even gladly welcomed a few more years of it. I think as time passes I realize more and more how crucial that time was to the person I am now. I think I will miss that time more than any other phase of life when all is said and done and it's a shame that those years passed so quickly. Still... the twenties were such a decade of discovery. I was a little bit nervous about them when they began and as I approach my thirties I have never in my life been so excited for the next 10 years. I think they are going to be amazing... but I'm not quite there yet.
And I'm happy about that too.
