A Disconnect

So lately, life has been.... baffling.  Nothing has changed all that much besides the way I view myself and the world around me, but that's enough to keep the wheels spinning and have me wondering, "what on earth am I doing here?"

I feel this way all the time from specifics to generalities.  Like, why am I here in this store?  Why am I in this city?  What am I doing on this planet?

These "why's" are constantly looming in my head lately and I just can't seem to shake them.

Sometimes it makes me feel so lost as if I'm having an identity crisis (and I may very well be).  Other times I find comfort in knowing that I haven't gotten too comfortable with life and am still asking important questions.  It seems like a key step in individual growth and progression.

I've felt variations of homesick in the past few months.  Trouble is, it's never for the same place, people, or circumstances.  I guess that happens when you're a modern day gypsy?  It always surprises me what I find myself missing, what my heart aches for.  So I headed back to Phoenix to attend a friend's wedding, but it was quite timely since I felt like I've been needing a fix.  It's nice to have familiarity upon arrival, but the more time that passes since we moved from here, the more it feels like the ruins of a life that once was.  Never have I felt more strongly about that as I do now.

Phoenix is a funny place for our little family of two.  It's really the only place we've both called home in our marriage.  Never before or since have we found a routine and people we love to surround ourselves with.  We miss it.  Leaving was probably the hardest point in our marriage and we both felt it on such personal levels.  I knew that time would break us, but it's odd realizing that you no longer belong in your own life.

The contrast between what was and what could have been to what actually is, is astonishing.  I don't see myself the same way I saw myself three years ago.  I don't have the same attitude, aspirations, and desires that I did back then.  And somehow.... it all seems tied to a place that I've really moved past, both emotionally and physically.  Being in this place and surrounded by these people (whom I still adore) reminds me of how much I really have changed.  Part of me wishes it weren't true because I only feel that way looking back.  I probably could have been happy here living a much different life then I will now end up with.  The other part of me is proud to know that my soul is a work in progress and it's ok to change my mind and be ever evolving.

My mindset has changed.  My goals have me moving in a different direction.  My aspirations are oh so different from what they once were.  But my heart is still filled with love and gratitude for the person I became in this place and the people who shared with me in life and love.  My journey has been enhanced by them.  My life has been more beautiful because of it.  I will forever be grateful for those things in the past that I feel so disconnected from in the present.