May I Speak Candidly For a Moment?

I guess that's all I really do here. Still, there are some personal things that I keep to myself. Today I just need to vent.

What is up with being a woman? I mean, seriously- it can be so miserable sometimes.

Like today, for me.

I've been on birth control since before I got married (approximately 7 years now) and I have loved almost every second of it. And I am serious when I say the word love. It makes me feel completely balanced and in control of my otherwise erratic female body. I was so mad at my mother for not "cluing me in" earlier since I felt so much better on it when I started. I don't understand people who hate birth control. In fact, I think you're psycho. But, I know that everyone's bodies react differently to different things (blah, blah, blah). I've been on maybe 4 different types of birth control and I love each one just a little bit more.

So recently, I've stopped taking birth control (feel free to draw your own assumptions, although I will confirm or deny nothing) and you might as well just put me in the crazy house. My moods are haywire, my body is doing crazy things, and my sanity has gone right out the window! I feel like a walking nightmare.

On top of that, my body is re-regulating itself to it's natural cycles.... the worst part of all. For three months now I have gotten the periods from hell that only continue to get progressively worse. I guess the good news is that they are regular? That way I at least expect them. Still, I basically want to die. I never had them this bad before I went on birth control, so why now?

Last night's cramps kept me up half the night writhing in pain and self loathing for my body. No pain killers (not even the hard stuff) could touch them. I felt like there was an entire organ inside rotting and trying to escape from my body with a vengeance. I hardly ever got cramps before, and only mildly and rarely while on the pill so this is just unbearable.

They say the pill releases the same hormones as being pregnant, so maybe I'll be one of those crazy people who LOVES pregnancy and every other woman wants to beat down with her handbag.

I remember in eighth grade a group of girls were talking about this subject and one said, "All I know is I'm gonna have a lot to say about it to God someday!" My feelings today tell me I'll be recruiting an army to do the same.

Rebel Without a Cause

As the oldest child I was born with that "eager to please" gene. A lot of first children get that. Sometimes it's built in and sometimes it's harvested through expectation, but whatever the reason, it definitely exists. Even as an adult I feel like different pressure is placed on me by being the oldest child. It's probably all in my mind at this point, but I'm not sure I'll really ever overcome it.

Because of this attitude I feel like I'm very much a Type A personality. I feel like I have a strong moral compass and try not only to do what's right, but try to do everything to the very best of my abilities. When things go bad I aim to do things better than everyone else. I think most of the praise I thrived off of as a child came from completing things well or better than expected, particularly from my father. There is something in me that just never wants to disappoint him and impressing him is even more rewarding.

This is all well and good, but since I feel like I live by a high moral standard and value responsibility, I don't feel like I need much guidance (a terrible flaw of mine). I'd rather do things myself than delegate them to others and I'm very independent. If someone doubts me, I'll do whatever I can to prove them wrong. I guess my driving force is the three year old attitude of, "I'll do it the way I want and I'll do it myself!" So, (I'm sort of feeling exposed here) stubbornness is a real strong trait of mine- feel free to ask my husband about it.

Because of all these things, there is nothing I hate more in this whole world than being told what to do. I can't stand it. Since I'm usually the bossy one, I hate getting a taste of my own medicine. I will refuse to do something just because of the nature in which it was insisted. Requests are fine, but telling me the way it is is NOT effective.

Prime example-

In high school my parents gave me a curfew (I had one earlier, but it never mattered because I couldn't drive anyway and neither could my friends). It was a pretty regular curfew of midnight. I felt like that was pretty fair and there were few nights that I'd prefer to be out later than that anyway. But they TOLD me the way it was, and that did not go well. The firmer my curfew got, the longer I'd push it back. I'd literally be doing nothing interesting, but I wanted them to know that I could manage myself and make my own decisions. Even looking back, I know I could (unlike many teens). Sometimes I'd sit in my car around the corner waiting for my curfew to pass just to piss them off (ridiculous, I know- shall we revisit the word stubborn?).

The curfew situation got worse and worse and so did my relationship with my parents and our tolerance for each other. One day my mom finally said to me, "Ok, I trust you. You have no more curfew."

FREEDOM!

Thank goodness I had a mother willing to recognize the problem. In the following months I can't even tell you how many times I was home by 10:30, just because there was nothing interesting to do. My parents were in heaven and the one or two nights I stayed out past midnight worried them much less. I'd usually roll in not much later and I had usually fallen asleep at my friend's house anyway. It was glorious.

My sister on the other hand, had no curfew and would be out ALL night long. So my parents gave her a curfew and she was rarely a minute late. She would have been in big trouble and she knew it.

We were just different kids and my parents learned it early enough to adapt. Different things just work for different people- and boy, are we different people!

Still, I do things like this all the time. If someone tells me to do something, I won't just to spite them. It's quite ridiculous. I guess I feel like I was a good kid that didn't need monitoring so this was my only was to rebel without making myself unhappy. That definitely carried into adulthood. I'm not saying I always made, or continue to make, sound judgements, but I'm pretty capable and I just don't like being bossed around.

There's Something Just a Little Off....

Wow! Two posts in one week after months of sparse blogging? My husband must be out of town. You guessed it. And there's probably plenty more to come.

So one thing I love about moms, sisters, and sometimes (when they are brave) husbands, is that they tell it to you straight. If I look like crap, no one hides it. I say it back to all of them as well. Who better to tell you that you are falling apart than someone who really loves you? This very thing happened today when my mother said to me, "I looked in the mirror and realized my hair looks terrible... but then I looked at you and you had the same thing going on." Awesome.

The thing is, this is kind of the story of my life.

I love getting dressed up or have some kind of an occasion to look "put together" for. It can be something as simple as a shower or dinner with friends, all the way to a fancy night out on the town. Whatever- it doesn't happen often, so I relish in it when it does. I'll try to pick out just the right outfit, spend time doing every strand of hair, and pretending that I know how to apply makeup.

Unfortunately for me, it only kind of works out. I'll be feeling pretty good about myself and somewhere in the time span of the unfolding event I will have some sort of hiccup in my plan to be a composed adult. It's not always a big deal, but it's the little things that get you, you know? Lipstick on my teeth, losing a button (always right on the cleavage), a bra strap keeps slipping out, I break a heel on my shoe, I get a wedgie, I break a nail (or two or three), my fly is undone, I have a zit in the middle of my face, I trip on my shoelaces, I lose an earring, or a myriad of other little things. It's as if the universe refuses to let me be perfectly composed for one night of my life. That would be way to impressive.

It's not always about the way I look either (I'm vain, but not that vain). I'll give you two good examples:

A- One night the hubby and I went to a film festival. The screening we went to was for a film that one of our friends had produced (it was fantastic, by the way). So before the screening they had a place to hang out and we got to meet the cast and all that fun stuff. It was really exciting to know someone that had something to do with it and we had planned accordingly and tried to make it a fun night out. We had to wait in line for a pretty long time and before we stepped into the theatre I left the group to hit the restroom. I was rushing along and dropped my ticket right in the toilet. This is not the first time I've dropped things in the toilet (the worst was my phone at the mall), so I knew I had to go right in for it. Luckily, it wasn't fully emerged and I tried to shake it off and handed it embarrassingly to the usher. Chuckling and somewhat horrified, I shuffled off towards my seat when the back of my shoe got stuck on a stair and ripped the heel right off of it (yep, I wasn't just saying that). I had quite the story to tell since the two minutes since I'd last seen my party. Ridiculous.

B- Only a few weeks ago we had a formal ball with some friends for New Year's Eve. I'm talking ball gowns here. Super duper fancy style. As I'm busting a move out on the dance floor (not good moves, either), I drop straight to the ground after tripping on my dress. I have to admit, it was hysterical and I kind of wished that someone caught it on tape, but nevertheless- can't I just keep myself together!?

I don't generally suffer from clumsiness, but you never know when it could sneak up on you. I can't imagine that these occurrences would lessen when I have children, in fact, I am terrified they will increase (and I'm pretty sure I'm right).

*le sigh*

I'm in the mood to blog.

The question is- about what?

I don't really have anything to share....

Or maybe I have too much to share and just can't organize my thoughts.

Yep, that's it.

So what will it be tonight? Ahh....

My husband finally caved and got us the Netflix. I'm not a huge advocate of tv. I really never watch it except when my husband picks something out and I'm in the same room. Which is basically always. So yeah, I guess I watch a lot of tv, or rather just listen in on it. Some things catch my interest and others don't. When he goes to work I never turn the thing on and sometimes when I try I realize I don't even know how. Pathetic.

Anyway, like I said, he caved and got the Netflix. He only got me to agree to the 30 day trial up front because I don't like paying for stuff we don't use (and by we, I mean I). Plus we don't pay for our cable right now- not because we're stealing it or anything (even though I think that's morally gray and wouldn't necessarily be against it), but it's included in our HOA fees or something weird.

Tangents.

The point is... I love it. I admit it whole heartedly. I've always been a big fan of Hulu and such because I can catch the shows I know I want to watch (and with very few commercials), in the time I choose. But Netflix has opened me up to a new way of watching tv (something I still don't condone getting sucked into). I have become somewhat of a documentary whore, for starters. But I feel like I'm learning a lot about obscure and various things. Most of these will be rendered useless random knowledge, but I find them interesting regardless. Plus it's better than watching some filthy smut reality tv or something (*cough* Jersey Shore *cough*).

Another great feature is that it recommends things based on what you watch. Not only individual viewings, but entire categories. It's been quite comical and somewhat disturbing to see what it suggests to the husband and I. I probably shouldn't bring attention to this, but after a few days of my using the Netflix there was a category called "Documentaries on Food." The husband rolled his eyes knowing full well that it's been a recent prolonged obsession of mine. However, the power was put back in my hands when after a few days of him using the service it created a category called "Raunchy Comedies." That's right. My husband ladies and gentlemen.

He does like the documentaries as well. Plus it gives immediate updates on things like SNL (something he's recently brought to my attention), so you don't have to wait for it to come out on DVD. Great news for me since I'm in bed most Saturday nights (hey, I'm getting old- don't judge me).

So my final thoughts on the matter are- it's cheaper than a movie. Just get it.

Disclaimer: I DO NOT get paid by Netflix in any way, shape or form. I just like it and wanted to share. But if you do know how to get me paid for my endorsement, I could always use a vacation.