Weighing Me Down

I feel like I've had so many heavy things on my mind lately.

Starting with death.  (Yeah, we're not easing in here).

I went to the doctor for my annual exam, four years later mind you, and she found a giant lump in my right breast.  Not the size of a pea, not the size of a marble, but maybe the size of a grape.  And not a regular size grape, a Costco size grape.  Those big plump ones.  Anyway, when she suggested I get it looked at I was initially calm.  This happened once before and it turned out to be nothing at all.  So I scheduled an appointment for an ultrasound about ten days out (the soonest they could see me).  In the meantime, my calm started fading.  I told a few people close to me and did some light internet searching.  I'm one of those people who prepares for the worst and then no matter what, you get good news.  This was a long time for these thoughts to fester.  I started planning out my last year of life if that's all the time they gave me.

The day had finally come and I headed to a women's health center to get it tested.  The place reeked of life changing news.  Not only that, but it was breast cancer awareness month and the place was slathered in ribbons and anything else pink.  I thought of the irony of being informed in an atmosphere such as this.  Even though I realize that the radiologist surely didn't break the news... or did he/she?

The ultrasound went smooth, but the nurse was a little concerned after feeling the lump and she got the radiologist concerned as well.  Next thing I know I'm sitting in a waiting room, alone and topless (draped), waiting for my first mammogram approximately ten years early.  The mammogram itself was weird, based mainly on the fact that the technician held, molded, squished, and kneaded my breast like it was a piece of meat or something.

After that I was free to go and they said there was no cause for concern.  I fled through the pepto bismal room and met with my doctor the following week.  She said not only is there no cause for concern, but there are literally no red flags.  Thank goodness I covered the topics of a) what to do with my belongings and b) how to pick out your next wife with my husband.  At least we're prepared.

Actually, I'm relieved that it's nothing... except that it's not nothing.  I still have a grape in my boob.  So there's that.  Turns out (surprise, surprise) that the doctor has no clue either and from here we watch and wait.  Oh the joys.

Next up: trauma.  So then there's this hurricane.

The Mr. has school in New York this week and we were set to fly out Tuesday/Wednesday.  I've been looking forward to this trip for months, so I was pretty set on going.  The hurricane didn't worry me much.  I mean, I did live in Florida for a fair amount of time and everyone knows that the aftermath is worse than the storm itself.  But then the airports closed and my husband's flight got changed no less than six times.  I finally cancelled but sent him on ahead because apparently Columbia Business School resumes the day after no tomorrow, or even during.  Acts of God have no place there.

I know he's fine.  The worst part of something like this is getting stuck or losing everything.  He has nothing there to lose and he has plenty of people who would happily take him in.  But then I get all worked up watching the news and feeling helpless and thinking of extreme circumstances in which he might never come home, and it just makes me want to be together.

On a happy note, everyone I know in the greater New York area is alive, safe, and well taken care of.  I do have a friend who lost everything and my heart is breaking for her.  I know a few people who in the past lost their homes to fire and literally had to start over from the ground up.  They say it was the worst, most testing time of their lives, but that looking back it was such a growing experience.  So I know my other friend will be ok too.  Looking at pictures of all the wreckage just tears me up inside though, thinking of how I'd feel if it were me.

Oh and also, my best friend has been in the children's hospital for the past two days with her newborn who needs surgery and her eight year old who had surgery on his broken arm.  Neither one of them is entirely serious, but just extremely stressful.  And her sister lives in New York.  Sheesh.

And last: the passing of time.

Mr. had his birthday last week and mine is right around the corner.  So are the holidays and a brand new year.  I mean, I think about these things a lot, so it's not like this is a new topic or anything.  Sometimes it's a blessing as a new year means my husband is almost half way through grad school.  But sometimes it's harder knowing that we are still right here in many of the same places.  I've been feeling genuinely happy and grateful for how well life is going lately.  Grateful almost to the point of guilt.  I know it's just part of my search to fill my days with not only tasks, but meaning, and I continue to try and do so.

Time is passing, we are forging through trials, and no one is dying yet.  I know somewhere in the grand scheme of things that God has a plan for us.  I have been intently focused on that as I experience things in life and wonder WHY?  I guess all I can do in the moment is live for today.