I just finished doing laundry and as I was hanging up my shirts I realized that I haven't hung up any of my clothes since last summer when I had a handful of hangers in the extended stay hotel we were living in for four months.
And that's about as deep as our roots run, folks.
The truth is, we move a lot. The other, even greater truth, is that we love it. The excitement of a new adventure always waiting around the corner. Never knowing where you'll be two weeks from now, forget about a year from now. New restaurants, new shops, new sightseeing, new friends. It's just the way we live. I'm afraid it's become a little addicting.
Still, there are downsides. We're pretty good at coping with them and sometimes I think to myself, "no wonder people think we're crazy!" I have the benefit of being a human GPS and an avid explorer. I've been in Austin for a week and could already tell you almost everything to see within a 10 mile radius. But my husband is back on the road this week and I am alone. All alone. I have no friends here. I have nothing to do. I'm a partial homebody, so when I go into lockdown mode, sometimes it's days before I leave the apartment or have any interaction with another human being.
We went to church on Sunday for the first time. That's always the worst. I suppose the expectations of finding friends always overpowers the fear at being new and unusual, but it always creeps back in. It's always in that moment that I miss Phoenix and all the stability we had there. I have to remind myself to live in forward motion. For all I know, six months from now this could be my favorite place in the world (I doubt it, but we'll see).
It's nice to actually go to the store and be able to buy laundry detergent in some form other than single load packets from the travel section. Same goes for a lot of other things around here. I've actually even unpacked my toiletries and I'm trying to filter through them before I buy anything new.
I also like living with few attachments. I've purged most of our belongings since Phoenix and even though we still have way more than we need, we're getting there. It's nice to know that you can live on so little.
I'm not trying to evoke sympathy. I'm just in the adjustment period and since there is no end sight for this stop, there's a lot of uncertainty that comes with it. Still, we're all set up in a great apartment with plenty to do, decent weather, and did I mention that the company pays our rent and even has a maid come in once a week? Yeah, it's pretty spectacular.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Ordinary Day
Today was so bittersweet.
There was nothing exciting about it in the least. Nothing great and nothing terrible, the way that most days present themselves.
I felt a bit out of sorts all week. Mostly thanks to the monthly rush of hormones overtaking my body against my will. I've been experiencing every range of emotions from rage, hurt, tenderness, bliss, and solemnity. I'd be lying if I said I knew a great deal about coping with these extremities, so as usual, I handled them poorly and hoped that it would pass quickly.
It seems to have been contagious because I feel like my husband has mirrored every emotion at varying times, if only out of frustration. It seems to be wearing on him the way it's now wearing on me in a double dose. So I could hardly blame him for his minor meltdown this morning followed by a mild blowup at me over something trivial.
The truth is, I just need to be alone. Somehow in this strange existence I've grown into this appreciation for my time being a loner, both in circumstances and personality. I feel like societally I should be ashamed of this, but instead I've sort of embraced it and let it become a permanent part of me.
This year started off with a bang- so much excitement in such a short amount of time. I've loved every second of it. But somewhere along the way I've realized that I've had very little alone time. Much less than usual at least. And to be quite honest, I just can't function without it. I crave solemn, quiet moments more than I crave crowds and acceptance, or social interactions. That's not to say that I don't get lonely, because the pangs of loneliness, once they set in, cannot be easily cured, even to the point of madness. I guess it just takes longer for me to get there than most people.
So after subsiding my natural reactions to lash back out at my husband, I brushed him off and went about some of my business. Not avoiding him completely, but definitely trying to sustain my momentary independence. Once I felt some portion of success, I calmed down enough to at least make it through the day. Time, as nearly always, is my best and favorite ally.
My husband is so sweet. He is everything I dreamed he would ever be and more. He is such a better husband than I am wife. I don't think his talents lie in expressing himself accurately, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that he wants the best for me, and for every other minutely important person in his life, for that matter. I have a handful of moments, like today, where I just loathe him. I want anything but to be around him. But then, there are moments when I am overwhelmed with love for him. I have had many of these moments earlier this week. The pangs of tenderness are so hard to show externally, but they burn at my very soul. I can't help but remind myself that I would be nothing without him.
And where the day started out as nothing special, I end it being reminded of how lucky I am to have him and every other blessing in my life. Sometimes, after almost eight years of marriage, I look into his eyes and realize that we are but familiar strangers just helping each other through life. That love really is a force drawing us to each other, every hour of every day, despite the angst we might feel for each other at times. And that if I could go back in time and choose all over again, I wouldn't choose any differently.
I guess today was really special after all.
There was nothing exciting about it in the least. Nothing great and nothing terrible, the way that most days present themselves.
I felt a bit out of sorts all week. Mostly thanks to the monthly rush of hormones overtaking my body against my will. I've been experiencing every range of emotions from rage, hurt, tenderness, bliss, and solemnity. I'd be lying if I said I knew a great deal about coping with these extremities, so as usual, I handled them poorly and hoped that it would pass quickly.
It seems to have been contagious because I feel like my husband has mirrored every emotion at varying times, if only out of frustration. It seems to be wearing on him the way it's now wearing on me in a double dose. So I could hardly blame him for his minor meltdown this morning followed by a mild blowup at me over something trivial.
The truth is, I just need to be alone. Somehow in this strange existence I've grown into this appreciation for my time being a loner, both in circumstances and personality. I feel like societally I should be ashamed of this, but instead I've sort of embraced it and let it become a permanent part of me.
This year started off with a bang- so much excitement in such a short amount of time. I've loved every second of it. But somewhere along the way I've realized that I've had very little alone time. Much less than usual at least. And to be quite honest, I just can't function without it. I crave solemn, quiet moments more than I crave crowds and acceptance, or social interactions. That's not to say that I don't get lonely, because the pangs of loneliness, once they set in, cannot be easily cured, even to the point of madness. I guess it just takes longer for me to get there than most people.
So after subsiding my natural reactions to lash back out at my husband, I brushed him off and went about some of my business. Not avoiding him completely, but definitely trying to sustain my momentary independence. Once I felt some portion of success, I calmed down enough to at least make it through the day. Time, as nearly always, is my best and favorite ally.
My husband is so sweet. He is everything I dreamed he would ever be and more. He is such a better husband than I am wife. I don't think his talents lie in expressing himself accurately, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that he wants the best for me, and for every other minutely important person in his life, for that matter. I have a handful of moments, like today, where I just loathe him. I want anything but to be around him. But then, there are moments when I am overwhelmed with love for him. I have had many of these moments earlier this week. The pangs of tenderness are so hard to show externally, but they burn at my very soul. I can't help but remind myself that I would be nothing without him.
And where the day started out as nothing special, I end it being reminded of how lucky I am to have him and every other blessing in my life. Sometimes, after almost eight years of marriage, I look into his eyes and realize that we are but familiar strangers just helping each other through life. That love really is a force drawing us to each other, every hour of every day, despite the angst we might feel for each other at times. And that if I could go back in time and choose all over again, I wouldn't choose any differently.
I guess today was really special after all.
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