Taking Me by Surprise

So life has been marching on for us and I have so many mixed feelings about it.  Spending this past summer in New Jersey was one of the best times of my life.  The past two years have been a little rough for me and the Mr.  I know that people have much harder trials than we do, but they are tailored for us and they've really worn us down.  Luckily, our marriage is still standing strong.  So this summer was an even greater relief that when we were there, we were both there, and when we went somewhere, we both went.  Plus there was the benefit of having friends and family around and some sort of stability mixed with adventure- the perfect prescription for this clan.

Anyway, I've had a much harder time adapting after this past summer.  It's almost like I got a glimpse of what life once was like and what it could be like again someday.  At least.... I'm crossing my fingers.  My husband has been extremely busy since we left New Jersey.  He often works twelve or more hours a day and he is such a trooper about it.  Not to toot my own horn, but I think I've been a trooper as well.  While there's still plenty of joy to be had, our circumstances make everything seem like business.  When I talk to the Mr. it's usually about bills that need paid, chores that need done, what our schedules are like and if we can coordinate.  I know most people do this, but it's been pretty intense lately.

So, much of the time I have to just try and turn off my emotions.  I try not to let things bother me and I honestly avoid being disappointed because I know that what he is doing is all for the betterment of our family and our situation.  I love him for it.

But.... every once in a while it sneaks up on me.  Yesterday I met him for lunch before I headed to Phoenix for a wedding and he headed back to New Jersey (with twelve hours notice and no return flight).  I try to let him know what my plans are, but it's very hard to plan around him, so I try to keep myself busy.  And yes, I would have been gone during the next two weeks regardless, but as I kissed him goodbye, my heart sank.  I got in my car and burst into tears.

And yes, it surprised me.

Sometimes our lives look like all fun and games, but there are very lonely moments for us both.  I wouldn't necessarily change things, yet there are times when I wish that life were just a little bit easier.  This was one of those moments where all the intense emotions snuck up and just grabbed a hold of me.  I tried to shake it off quickly and only let myself cry for five or so minutes before I switched back to robot/survival mode.

Knowing he's in New Jersey is a little bit hard.  It feels like the safe haven we had to give up.  I just have to keep reminding myself that this too shall pass.