I Miss....

As Thanksgiving has come and gone and I've spent time reading on facebook and blogs what everyone is thankful for, I can't help but recognize how private a person I am. I don't like to share anything too personal, I prefer to mask my feelings, and I keep many things locked up inside. This is neither good nor bad, just who I am. Still, I feel so touched from reading what other people are grateful for and recognize so many similar blessings in my own life.

Tonight as I lay in bed, emotionally exhausted from the week, I've been thinking of the things I miss. And I guess in a way, the things I miss are the things I am grateful for, or once was. So here is a mash up of things I miss and am grateful for....

I miss my little brother. He's serving a mission in France and has only been gone 8 months, leaving 16 more to go. I eagerly wait to hear from him each week and can't wait to talk to him on Christmas. I miss his energy when we are together as a family and I miss talking to one of my very best friends.

I miss my house. It's no longer mine, but I still miss it. I miss the way everything we owned had it's own place in that house. I miss the warmth of friendship that seemed to fill it so frequently. I miss lying in bed at night and feeling like I had a place to really call home. I miss having my own little piece of land with my very own castle.

I miss my friends. They are spread far and wide and we rarely get to see them, though I think about them often. This year has been a terrible year for us socially. I miss late night chats with other couples. I miss having someone else to call to go to a movie or dinner. I miss borrowing eggs from the neighbor. I miss inviting people over for dinner. I miss having their kids around. I miss laughing with them. I miss girls' nights and girls' trips. I miss the feeling of having someone to lean on and let my walls down with. I miss having friends that really are friends.

I miss my nieces and nephews. They are still fairly new to me, but I am surprised at how much I instantly loved them. I miss the ridiculous things they do and all the ways they make me smile. I miss their cute little faces and their funny little ways. I wish I could just pack them up and bring them with me everywhere I go. They have a way of making any day a good one.

I miss the way things were. Is that generic enough for you? Ha. I miss being a kid and never having to worry about anything. When the most important parts of my day were who would sit by me at lunch and play with me at recess. I miss living in an apartment filled with girls. It involved a lot of drama, but also a lot of very good memories. I miss my best roommate of all time- staying up late watching Friends, making paper chains for Christmas in September, and complaining about our other roommates. I miss the early days of being married and all the excitement that surrounded us. Seems like 6 years of mundane has crept in and just changed us in some ways.

I miss my job. I am thankful for the one I have, but it's nothing compared to where I've been. I miss feeling satisfied by what I do and knowing that getting paid is not my only reward.

I miss feeling like I'm in control. It's starting to come back, but I've felt extremely incapable over the past year. I've been very humbled finding out what I actually can control and what I can't.

I miss the warmer weather. Every time I think "it won't be that bad," it proves that it really is that bad... even worse. We used to have the luxury of traveling frequently and living in a great climate. Now we have neither, but it still could be worse. If anyone knows of an island I could buy somewhere, please contact me.

I am most grateful, as always, for my husband. My knight in shining armor who seems to miraculously turn things around when they aren't going well. I am thankful that he has a job and that he supports me in anything I choose to do- even if that involves watching movies all day. He has an amazing talent for making me feel better and always keeping me well fed. I am thankful for his efforts to finish school and improve our family's future.

I am thankful for the things that have stayed intact through a year of hardship- love, faith, friendship, trips to Disney, and being with people that I love when it really counts. Without these, the year might have been completely unbearable.

I am thankful for my grandma, who is on my mind frequently. I am thankful to know that her life is a legacy for me to live up to. I am so grateful to know that I can be with her forever, especially when her loss is still so new. I am grateful for the example she always was to me and the handfuls of cousins I have that started with her.

I am thankful for my recent turn of good health. It's a very long, hard road to walk alone and it can be especially hard when you know just what you're missing. Physical limitations are so frustrating and discouraging, so for the time being, I am grateful to be mostly without them.

Regardless of the troubled year behind us, we have enjoyed so much abundance and even luxury from time to time. I have learned the importance of charity, friendship, and unconditional love. I am grateful to have walked this path with the best partner I could ever find. I am so, so blessed in spite of my cynicisms.

Sweet Simplicity

Talk about blog neglect. Sheesh.

I'm starting to feel the change in the seasons. I'm typically for endless summer, but this year I have been anticipating fall. I prayed and prayed that this year would speed by and, though some days it doesn't feel like it, I think for the most part it's done just that. From Halloween to New Year's is always a blur, so I'm sure we'll be there in no time.

When I think about the past I have some really great memories... and a handful of bad ones. I think this will be one of the years I choose to remember very little about, but in all honesty it's been such a growing year for us.

Knowing that it's almost over and feeling the winds of change about to hit us again, I can't help but feel mellow about the few months ahead. One last sigh before the get up and go. Although life always has it's complications, I am enjoying the sweet simplicity of ours at the moment. I am excited for what lies ahead, but wonder if I'll ever look back on this year with fondness for the simple ways it has brought us together as a family.

Getting Married Young

I'm pushing 30. Yeah, I said it. And no one can convince me that I'm "not that old." I know it's a big one coming up and to be quite frank, it scares me. I feel like I was just in high school..... that was just barely, wasn't it?

Now, I've been married for 6 years. You can't even count that on one hand. Now as all my "older" single friends are buying rings and tying the knot, I can't help but feel a twinge of jealousy. Suddenly, all the friends we pitied and thought might never find "the one" have done it! And all on their own terms.

I don't regret getting married. I don't. If there is one thing that's been good for me in this life, it's my husband. But, I can't shirk the feeling that we were SOOO young and what did we know anyway? Nothing. That's exactly what we knew.

Being Mormon, the pressure was on at age 22. Especially from my mother and heaven forbid you turn 25 and not be married! Luckily, I found a good one at the time, but what if I hadn't? Let's see.... I would have eventually told my mother off, traveled the world, and squeezed in some extra school! All to get married happily just a few short years later and still with plenty of time to spare:)

I guess a lot of babies who get married have babies. My sister and bestie are prime examples. They are 26 and 28 respectively with 3 little ones each at home. But, I don't- so here I am pushing 30 with really nothing more to show for it than my single friends who are just now getting married.

I guess I also feel guilty because the hubby really never did all those things. I feel like I stole that time away from him even though he consistently tries to convince me that that's the way he'd have it anyway. I'm not so sure. I think it's definitely brought some challenges into our marriage.

I am glad for the time we've had to grow together.... but sometimes I just wonder what it would be like to have waited a little bit longer.

I'm not a phone person

Yeahhhhh.....

I just don't like to talk on the phone. That's it. It's pretty simple.

True I've been known to carry hour long phone conversations in the past, but they really are rare. And they usually occur with a handful of the same people. My mother being one and half the time I'm trying to get off the phone with her.

I like to have a good conversation, but it takes a lot for me to pick up and call someone. The hubby is bothering me about this all the time. He says I'm gonna lose all my friends and deserve to if I don't pick up the phone once in a while. I'm just not really that comfortable with it. I'd much rather see people face to face, although I realize that's not usually possible.

The second half of my phone phobia is not picking up the phone. Sometimes I just don't feel like chatting. It's nothing against anyone personally. It's just the weirdness inside me. Especially if it's a number I don't recognize. Why? I never answer those!

I must say that I definitely don't like to pick up the phone when I am spending my time with other people. I think the people I am with deserve to be with me. I generally try to turn my phone off or just not answer it if I am in the middle of something. I think part of the reason is because my hubby always answers the phone. I get it sometimes because I know he has to take work calls most of the time. But then it just grows exponentially from there. I guess after too many occasions wishing he was spending the time with me instead of on the phone has really pestered me all these years. If I were single, I would die if a man answered his phone on a date! In rare instances it might be ok, but only for brief conversations lasting less than 2 min tops.

Then there's the way people talk on the phone- sometimes as if no one else can hear them! It's amazing what you can overhear, and let's be honest, I'm just a pretty private person. I don't want random strangers or even other friends or family listening in on all my conversations.

Cell phones can be great, but they really only make the problem worse. So to any friends out there- call me! I may answer, but if I don't it's nothing personal. And I'm sorry I don't call you. It's just the way I am.

Making "Plans"

So, I'm a type A personality, no doubt. I like to think about things for a long time and plan them out in advance. I like to make all kinds of plans- day plans, weekend plans, year plans, life plans. It's just who I am. But, the thing about making plans is that they never really turn out!

I stay pretty flexible when the plan changes and in the past few years I've even ventured to embark into unplanned territory and just try my hand at going with the flow. It's been nice to just GO. Still, I never seem to accomplish much without a plan, so I still much prefer having one.

Recently, no plans really seem to work out. So my new plan is to have no plan. Can you plan to have no plan? I don't know, but I'm doing it anyway.

Pity Party

Just give me a moment in time to have a break down- and when I'm done I promise I'll move on.

We've been gone almost one year now. Out of sight, out of mind continues to prove it's infinite truth. People move on. Only we really haven't. We're stuck in limbo. Which makes the detach even harder. No new life, no new friends.

So- to 6 more months and then a brand new life. Free of all the things that held us back or tied us down and on to things that will take us someplace. Hopefully someplace, this time, that we really want to be a part of.

Goodbye. Delayed and finally.

"We have more similarities than differences"

I had a high school teacher who told us this all the time. He was a general encourager of people to overcome labels, bias', racism, and rifts. Although he didn't always make the strongest argument, I can at least see where he was trying to go with this.

My brother is the perfect example. He never sees anyone for more than just human. He doesn't let gender intimidate him, he doesn't let age affect his friendships, and he would never not love someone for how they look or act.

When he was in kindergarten, I was in high school. One afternoon my mom asked me to go pick him up. After he showed me his classroom and desk he strapped on his huge backpack that hit against his calves when he walked. As I walked him out of the school we passed some of his little kindergartner friends in the hall. Not one passed without him saying, "Hey Josh!" or "See you tomorrow, Zack!" He has always been the friendliest kid you've ever known. So then we pass the janitor and he yells out, "Have a good night, Ed!" and Ed responds, "See ya T!" It was so funny! But even more than funny, it was admirable. The kid had only been in school for two or three weeks and he already knew everybody there!

He's continued to be like this his whole 20 years of life. Parents will bring their small children over while visiting with my mom and the kids will ask, "Where's T?" It's so cute.

I really admire that quality. I wish I were more like that and strive to be the more I find friendships in unlikely places. I guess it's true that we really have enough similarities to overcome our differences.

Just Saying....

1- I think maternity photo shoots should be outlawed. Or people should at least be required to wear clothing and not show their naked, ginormous, stretch-marked bellies. It's just not right.

2- Twilight is ridiculous. I tried to get into it- I started with the first dreadful book and after wanting to claw my eyes out, just couldn't pick up another. Then I saw all three movies, mainly out of an effort to not be a social outcast. Turns out- I still hate it. What the hell do people love about this anyway? Am I just incapable of grasping this whole concept? Spare me.

3- I find great pleasure in the fact that July is already here. This year has not been the best (ahem.... one of the worst) and the sooner it ends for me, the better. Some years are just like that. 2003 and 2007 to name a couple.

4- My hubby has really stepped up his game in school. It's like the big happy surprise of the year and I once again think he may graduate in December. I dare not even hope so hard....

5- Regardless of the dullness of the summer, I do have a few things to look forward to: a bridal shower, a double baby shower, a baby blessing, my nephew's 3rd birthday party, and possibly a travel venture in the future, which is still uncertain at this point. Still, things to participate in are always nice.

6- I really miss my friends. Still. Especially a handful of them in particular. I wish I had the power to coordinate a girls trip. Alas, I do not.

Feelings of Inadequacy

I basically feel inadequate in everything I do.

Inadequate daughter.

Inadequate wife.

Inadequate grown-up.

Inadequate person.

And the list goes on.

I just don't understand how people have it so together and I feel so out of control? It may not seem so from my even temper, but I am a stress master rolled up into this little human body that suffers greatly for it. I just feel like no matter what I do, I can never seem to get it together.

I feel alienated from my family, perhaps only by fault of my own. Still, whatever caused it isn't going to change and it doesn't seem to bother any of them in the least. On top of that I feel like a paramount disappointment to my parents. All the things I hoped to turn out to be and make them proud have failed miserably.

My husband is a great guy. Truthfully, he is. Still, I am constantly feeling like I don't live up to his expectations which I am sure is only mirrored by the fact that I feel the same way about him. I feel like when things aren't perfect or I need to take a time out for a minor (or major) breakdown, he just can't deal with it. His not getting along with my mom also makes it hard to balance between the two. I can't stand being with both of them at the same time because I am having to absorb eye rolls in every direction.

I somehow missed the college 101 course on transitioning to adulthood. I just plain suck at it. Where do people get all these ideas to become these great performing, social, well adjusted and accomplished human beings? I am none of the above. I have no confidence in myself which translates to horrible self esteem and lack of enthusiasm for life. Sure I have my moments, but they consist of very high highs and very low lows.

I just feel like a disappointment to everyone. Sure I have a few talents, but thus far have proved absolutely worthless. The thing is... I want to change. I just don't even know where to begin.

10 Things

Today I had to go to Walmart to get my tires rotated and balanced. Here are the handful of things that crossed my mind:

1- Why is it that I can go into a store and almost always take nearly an hour or more, but when you have to do it (because you're waiting for your car) it seems like such a long time?

2- I wandered over to the books, looked through some and read part of some. I've always thought that an author's name should never be bigger than the title of the book. It's egotistical and tells you nothing about the story.

3- Have you ever noticed the treasures and odd ends you can find when your not looking for anything and just browsing? Today I found a Michael Jackson Thriller tote on sale for $2. You better believe I bought it! I'll use it for a while before it makes a grand appearance as a white elephant gift.

4- I started to get hungry but I couldn't really get any groceries since I'm leaving town. I just hate throwing out large amount of good food. It's like money right down the drain.

5- Polygamists are a mystery to me. It's so strange that I'm getting used to them and still sad we didn't have a sighting when my in-laws were in town. It's like seeing something make-believe is really real.

6- I wandered through the seasonal section that was loaded with pool toys. It really made me miss Phoenix- summer nights with good food, friends, and swimming in the backyard. I do hope we have a pool again someday. On the same note, I hope we have friends again someday.

7- I started thinking about all the things I need to get done before I leave tomorrow. Then started getting antsy about aimlessly wandering around Walmart. Time for the stress to settle in!

8- Tried some Pretzel M&M's for the first time. They've got to be my favorite! So, so yummy and 30% healthier than other M&M's (if there is any scenario in which you can classify them as healthy). I hope they don't disappear on me. The other day I saw a Mr. Goodbar in the gas station and I've been craving one ever since- can't find one. I also really miss the chewy Jolly Ranchers. Why is some of the best candy impossible to find?

9- I realized my car also needs a new wiper blade, but they didn't have it. My car has 98,500 miles on it right now. I'm about to take the great big depreciation hit! I'd be more nervous, but I'm gonna drive that thing into the ground, I love it so much.

10- Why do car services always cost more than you plan for? Ugh.

A Little Bit of Heaven

In Primary, when I was very young, we had a lesson on thinking about Jesus during the sacrament. For some reason, I've always remembered it. The teacher stressed that even though it's hard for kids to stay focused on Jesus, it's also very hard for adults to do the same. She said they had to think about work, what's for dinner, keeping kids calm and quiet, changing diapers, running errands, and on and on. I agreed that adults had a lot on their minds, but thought it couldn't possibly be that hard for them to stay concentrated for 10 minutes or so.

Then I grew up and it is as hard as she said it was all those years ago. Only now, we have even more distractions. Phones and electronics keep us entertained (because heaven forbid we go 5 minutes without that). Generally, I've tried to make a good effort towards reverence and thinking about Christ during the sacrament, but I often fail or find my mind wandering.

I remember sometime around my mission I was in some sort of class taking a personal spiritual inventory. One of the questions read, "Do you think about the Savior daily?" Of course I think about the Savior daily! How could there ever be a time in my life where that could escape me? Well- that time is now. I am embarrassed to admit it.

It's amazing how thinking about Christ for 10 minutes is a challenge. It's amazing how thinking about him daily does not come naturally. It's amazing the distractions that consume us somehow take over and keep us from paying attention to the things that are really important without us even realizing it.

Lately this has all come to my attention as, with the recent passing of my grandma, I've been thinking about heaven frequently. A friend of mine lost a child and has posted on her blog, "One of the best ways to have a little bit of Heaven in your home, is to have someone you love in Heaven." I am finding that so true. Since my grandma has left us for heaven it seems as if she's been sharing just a little, tiny glimpse of it with me. I've experienced so much peace and happiness knowing our Heavenly Father's plan and the stage of it she has just now crossed into.

It may not seem like much, but peace is so valuable. I once heard that peace is the only feeling that Satan cannot counter, confuse, construe. Peace is something you can only get from God. In a world where spirituality doesn't come naturally, or daily, or sometimes even often, it can be so easy to lose your way or simply become complacent. I know I am guilty of both. It has been so nice to have even a little peace and remind me of all the blessings that God has in store for us.

"Cousin to cousin we'll always be, Special friends from the same family tree."

My husband has 10 cousins. That's the total for both sides of his family (with the exception of a few love children that we're unaware of). He said he had some interaction with 4 of them growing up but the 4 on his dad's side were so much older than him and the 2 others on his mom's side are still not even teenagers yet. Even though he came from a big Mormon family with 6 kids, he really hasn't had the benefit of having a huge extended family.

I, on the other hand, have 28 cousins on one side, and am the oldest of 17 on the other side. So yeah- I have a whole lot of cousins. Not only do I have a lot of cousins, I actually like them and see them and have relationships with most of them. I would say my husband has a relationship with one, maybe two of his cousins, and they aren't the same ones he played with growing up. He says he always likes going to see my cousins and it's kind of a neat concept to him.

Who wouldn't love them, though? I have great cousins all over the country! I have had the pleasure of seeing most of them this past weekend since my grandma did indeed pass away and we were all gathered for her funeral. Every time we get together I can't but help think how lucky I am to have such an awesome extended family. They really are the greatest and some of my favorite people, and friends for life.

Growing Old

"And I guess that's when it hit me. For the first time, this man, who had always been Hercules to me, didn't seem quite the same. For the first time, my grandfather seemed... old"

Kevin Arnold always bringing up a good point. I was lucky enough to be born with four living grandparents. Grandparents I knew, loved, interacted with, and still remember. They were the quintessential grandparents.

I lost both of my grandfathers in the same year. I was twelve. Sure, I had plenty of memories of each of them, but twelve now seems like so long ago. I do know that they were both good men, and neither one of them seemed that old. Sure, my maternal grandfather had some health issues and at the time I thought his death was rather unexpected, but as an adult I realize what a blessing it was to see him go so peacefully without too much suffering. My paternal grandfather was gone in the night- one day here, the next day gone. It was shocking, but still not damaging.

The point is, they never really got old. At the time I thought they were kind of old, being a young kid myself. Now, as I watch my grandmothers age and one of them literally wasting away, I am starting to see what it's really like to grow old. It sucks. I feel bad for them in a way. My grandfathers were so lucky. My one grandma in particular is hard to watch as her body shuts down one bit at a time. She may not be with us much longer- days, even.

It's hard to watch people grow old. Not just the graying hair, playing golf, listening to the tv too loud old- the being lonely and spending most days in bed kind. It's devastating really. It's hard for me to see my grandma in a way that seems so unfamiliar. I just want her to get dressed in one of her dress suits and take all the granddaughters to the ballet, the way we used to. It's the first time in my life that I've had personal experience with seeing someone actually get old, and I'm not a big fan.

It makes me not want to grow old, not lose my husband, not lie in bed with declining health, and not beg for any company I can find. Not that people don't love my grandma and want to see her, but we all have lives and sadly but truthfully, they don't revolve around her. I'd much assume have death approach me at a younger age, because that is truly less scary than the alternative.

How Marriage has Made Me a Better Person

So, you wanna know one thing I hate about being married? When I get together with all my girlfriends, many conversations revolve around how our husbands are so strange, or disgusting, or lazy, or peculiar, and sometimes much worse. It's nice to know that other people go through some of the same frustrations, but sometimes I think we fail to see the best in people.

What happened to the days when I'd come home to my roommates, star-struck by young love as I sigh and land on the couch, only to have my roommates crawling over each other to hear how awesome my date went? I really miss that.

Yet, I realize that I still get those same feelings occasionally, when I'm not wiping toothpaste off the mirror or yelling for the hubby to shut the bathroom door when he takes a crap. Sometimes the glamour is overlooked, but it seems like the real important things are still intact.

Marriage is hard. Even for those of us who are better than most at it. It is amazing how differently you picture it before you are in it and yet there is still nothing tangible to pass on to help prepare those who haven't been married. It just comes with it's unique circumstances and trials that we all have to deal with as they come and go.

But, even as we approach 6 years of marriage, I am reminded every day and certainly more often than in past years, how much I love my husband. How he truly is the light of my life. How he honestly holds the power to make all my dreams come true, regardless of the fact that they are much different than they used to be and ever-changing.

There is some uncertainty as a young adult to where life will take you and you know that somewhere along the way you could meet someone that completely redirects your course. For me, it was a constant. It was lonely more often than I'd ever admit. There was some stress and a fair amount of pressure on how every choice I made could alter my destiny.

Now, even when I'm lonely, I know I'm really never alone. I know that someone loves me and I hope with all my heart he knows how much I love him. He makes me laugh every single day. He gives me the strength and freedom I need to feel independent while still knowing how dependent I really am. We don't always bring out the best in each other, but we push each other to try new things and do better. He is my very best friend. I am such a private person, but I am surprised at how much more comfortable I feel sharing things with him, and it gets easier with the amount of time that passes. It's so nice to know that no matter what, somebody's got your back.

Our little family of two is ever strengthening, it's roots growing deeper all the time. We become more attached, more intertwined, more synchronized, more complete with every passing moment. Marriage truly has made me a better person, even in ways I could have never imagined.

Something that Makes Me Nervous

As a young child I became very sick. After consulting with doctors, it was decided that I should be put on some very heavy medications. It was very scary and the outcome unknown and unimaginable to me at the time. I was young, but could still reason and I could hardly bear to think what consequences might lie in store and it became very frightening for me. One night I was expressing my concerns to my mother in tears as I asked, “Will I still be able to have children someday?” The whole event being far less dramatic than it seemed, she softened up and said, “yes, of course you will” and I said, “good, because otherwise it would never be worth it.”

As a teenager I always wanted eight- yes, EIGHT- children. I had it planned out perfectly and hoped at what time in my life they would come and what gender they would be. It was all a bit naive but I know plenty of teenagers who plan and hope for the same types of family life. Almost as if, as a woman, we know at a young age that it’s the most important thing we’ll ever do. As I grew into young adulthood, but still not married, I used to pray at night and hope that Heavenly Father would pass on a message to those sweet spirits whom I awaited that I always thought of them and hoped that in a matter of years we would all be joined here on Earth. I know that many close friends of mine did something of that nature with the same ideal.

I finally did get married at the ripe young age of 22. A bit late for my eight children plan, but the reality of having eight children seemed daunting by then anyway. So I’d cut back by a few. After all, the riches I imagined having in my life with eight children didn’t seem to be as easily attainable as I thought they might be for someone with such good intentions for it. Not to mention, the grown up age of 22 didn’t seem quite so “grown up.” I suddenly felt like a baby myself regardless of friends my same age having children.

There have been times in my six years of marriage that I have felt a yearning for children, but those times and those feelings have been dwarfed by the trials and the uncertainty that always lie ahead. In a world where most of our friends not only have children, but some are done having children, it has been easy to see the exhaustion, worry, and marital strife that children can bring with their mere existence.

I love children. I think I am actually good with children. They have a way of softening even the hardest of hearts and making you laugh in even the hardest of times. Even with the arrival of nieces and nephews, they possess what can only be known as magic in capturing your heart.

Still, as I grow older, the thought of having children and the great task that comes with each precious soul seems so overwhelming. And yet.... there is still that piece deep within me that knows I will never be whole, and our family will never become a family, without those souls enhancing and richening our lives. I know what I should want and while sometimes I do, I feel so unprepared, so burdened, so terrified at the risk of failing. Things that I once thought would come so naturally I question constantly.

My health is at as much risk now as it ever has been. It hasn’t eliminated the possibility of bearing children, but it has made it that much more cautious and there is much to be done to plan for it. It also fills my mind with so many mental blocks in addition to my physical capabilities that I fear will not sustain me through child rearing. I no longer dream of having eight children. I know that I could never provide for that many, neither financially or emotionally. I don’t think I could handle more than four and still dream of even being able to have what seems an “incomplete” family with two children.

Part of my fear stems from being able to give them the few things I never had or cherishing the things I had so much and not being able to give them those experiences. I love to travel- I want to take them all over the world, experience different cultures, see the beauties that lie over every inch of this planet. I want to take them to Disney, my most happy and favorite place in this entire world, every year. I want to be able to put them in private school and give them a great education and a direction that I have still never found. I want to give them every advantage they could possibly use as an adult to carry on in happiness in creating a life of their own. I want to be able to take family vacations, a dying experience for my family and in-laws, which I miss and regret to even say. I want to be able to provide them with toys, birthday parties, braces, college, weddings, and all the things that cost a substantial amount of money.

I fear that in these last days we will miss all the teaching moments that will seem so small and yet be eternally important. I fear that as parents we won’t always be the examples that we wish to be for them. I fear that trials might overcome our ability to have hope and trust in our faith. I fear that our children’s trials might come between my husband and I in times when we might need each other most. I fear that my body will cripple during the ever so important moments of hide and seek, taking first steps, and other important milestones that happen in the dullness of our every days. I fear that the shift in life that comes with taking care of children may make my husband feel overwhelmed or maybe ignored or even unimportant and unloved. It may seem silly, but I’ve seen it happen to other couples and it is so tragic when it does.

I want nothing more than a home filled with love. With people who stay by each other’s sides as we grow old. Who share in the richness of all the experiences that family life can bring. A place that we’d rather be than anywhere else. A place where each person feels welcomed and important and useful.

The problem is, there are no guarantees.

There are so many risks.

I have seen so many failures.

I am sure that’s what almost everyone wants and yet it seems to be such a rare thing to find, and when you do, it’s easy to recognize how special it is to be a part of it.

My husband is fairly nonchalant about the whole thing. Either that or he’s overly confident. Still, I know he’s got to have some concerns.... some fears... many hopes....

Or maybe he’s just that naive. I just wish I knew.

I’m sure over time we can face each milestone as it comes and I still yearn for those whom I know I must have loved so much in the life before this. It’s just very, very intimidating.

Culinary Magic

Everyone has talents. Lucky for me my husband has the talent of Culinary Magic. That's right. Some of our favorite foods that we commonly want are from Disney World restaurants (as we spend so much time there). We are always taking friends to try some of our favorites and they often ask, "Why? What's different about it?" And my husband always answers by saying how it's made or what's in it and then adds, "... and a little bit of pixie dust!"

Pixie dust does make things taste better. If you are unaware of this by your own experience, you can just take my word for it. There are different kinds of pixie dust and for one reason or another, my hubby has harnessed to ability to produce culinary pixie dust. He really makes some amazing stuff. I joke that I'd be a lot skinnier if I weren't married to him:)

Our Disney trips are now emphasized with good food. Here are some of the delicacies that have inspired us (I'm getting hungry!):

I Hate Camping

The title of this post is actually sugar coated- I LOATHE camping. I'm sure there are plenty of people out there willing to try and talk me out of my distaste for outdoorsy-ness, but I am officially not buying. I have plenty of camping experience that proves otherwise.

You may think I am just being high maintenance, and if in truth that is the case, so be it. Still, there's a reason I was born in this century with all of it's modern luxuries and urban ways of life. Convenience is nice. Comfort is nice. Luxury is especially nice. None of which you will ever find on a camping trip.

I didn't grow up with hippie/granola parents or anything, but we did venture out every year or two to "enjoy" a nice camping trip- or what some people call a "vacation" for reasons beyond my understanding or comprehension. I will never understand how sleeping on the ground and pooping behind a tree could be classified as a vacation.

Anyway, as far as the family goes, I don't remember much tent time. We did, however, purchase a tent trailer around the time I was about 8 or so. We thought that thing was awesome! We had queen and full size beds that pushed out to the side and a convertible twin from the dining table. We had this little kitchen which basically made it a life size play house for us. My dad would set it up in our driveway or in the backyard and we would cry when he'd insist on taking it down.

Then one time, we actually took it camping. It suddenly became much less glamorous. I remember trying to pull it into a campground and my parents arguing about getting it stuck and not knowing how to back it out without jack-knifing the thing. It was a short lived crisis. So we got 'er all set up, made some dinner in our little kitchen, and then settled in for a good nights sleep. Well, that tent trailer became a lot less palatial with two parents and five children in it! Plus, this was no RV, so we still had to grab some leaf first thing in the morning or head to the filthy campsite bathrooms which were detestable at best.

I remember taking this same trip to Jackson Hole a few times. We always planned to go at the same time as my *very well off* cousins. They also had five kids and never failed to stay in a condo that was bigger than our house. After one night in that tent trailer I was begging my parents to let me have a sleepover! Thankfully, they obliged. Probably due to the tight living quarters back in the trailer, but whatever the reason, I was grateful.

We had our share of dramas on these camping trips- bird poop on the head, breaking other campers' belongings, getting lost in the woods, creature encounters, trashy campsite neighbors fighting all night with the use of a sailor's vocabulary. It really was such a happy family time! Still, I must give credit to my parents for making their best effort.

The fun continued as an adolescent since I am indeed a Mormon and the church hosts a girls camp every year. The first year was not so bad. I was 12 and I hadn't been camping with the family in a couple years so any memory I had of it was distant and fuzzy. We did have to sleep in tents which was far from ideal, but I managed somehow.

The second year of girls camp was with a bunch of girls I barely knew, thus creating my lack of enthusiasm for the whole excursion. We did however sleep on the floor of a cabin, which was a slight upgrade.

The third year was awful- not the worst (that's still to come), but it was bad. It was Stake camp, so there were hundreds of people there. We all slept in tents and our ward had the spot right by the river. The temperature drop at night was bad enough, but sleeping nearly on top of the water made it unbearable. I would have to sleep with my head inside my sleeping bag (actually my 2 sleeping bags). I got so sick and was not feeling well at all. Then to top it off I got diarrhea for 2 nights making treks to the glorious camping toilets every 10 minutes throughout the night. Then I got eczema- fabulous. Camping was destroying me.

That same year we had a youth conference camping trip. It was mainly a boating trip, so not quite as bad. Still, we had about 8 girls squished into this little tent like sardines. I happened to be sleeping on the unstable side where the tent was lopping of the side of a wooden berm. So I'd have this piece of wood in my back all night or just fall right off the edge where there was no solid foundation.

The fourth year my mom made me suffer through about 3 nights before our scheduled family vacation to Hawaii. Hallelujah! That was the year we encountered a Moose and a very scary incident with a Mountain Lion. Luckily we were in a cabin again that year. All the girls kept saying I would miss out on the best activities of camp and I was thinking, "What part of HA-WAI-I don't they understand?"

My fifth year was the kicker. We went to Park City in June. School was obviously out so it even had to be the latter part of June. It was once again Stake camp, which in high school was great because you knew more people and could associate with your regular friends from school that weren't in your own ward. We were off to a good start regardless of- once again -tents and no bathrooms.

Everything was good until the first night it started to rain. We hoped it would pass and we had a field trip planned for the next day to the Olympic Park, so we would be inside anyway. Off we went to tour the park, but the rain just kept coming down. A group of about 6 of us- including one of our adult leaders- were left at the park for hours. We had no phones at that time and no cell service anyway, so we just waited. We waited for hours just watching the rain come down until someone came back to pick us up, which was the good news. The bad news was that they had only noticed we were gone because the camp was flooding and no one from our tent had picked up and moved. Aye aye aye. There was basically nothing salvageable and our only dry clothes were the ones we were wearing. We moved into another tent who was willing to take us in and squish so that we were basically sleeping on top of each other. It was one of the most uncomfortable nights of my life.

In the morning we woke up to a few inches of SNOW. Anyone who knows me knows I detest snow nearly (that's right I said NEARLY), as much as camping. This is basically what we were facing (and totally unprepared for it).

I didn't care what rules they had laid out for us- I rallied up a group of girls to trek on down to the Chevron I could see from our campsite to get some hot chocolate. Lucky for me, a couple of the leaders were in on the plan so they drove us. While we were doing that, some people from our tent had brought in heaters to help melt the snow and keep us warm inside. Wow, the relief was great... but within a couple hours that tent was flooded as well.

My dad had arrived on the scene by that point as part of the back up crew. Me and my sisters BEGGED him to take us to the Park City house- a house owned by the same Jackson Hole cousins- only miles down the road. Since we had no clothing to stay and be part of the chaos anyway, he obliged. Never have I enjoyed a hot shower so much as that one. We never did go back to camp that year as they had moved it to a stake house in the area only to cancel camp altogether a few short hours later.

The sixth year my mom was trying to get me all excited about it and I just gave her that look. That "if you mention it one more time I may kill you in your sleep" look. So she made me drive up with her one afternoon to deliver lunch and we were there less than 2 hours before heading home.

I never was a camp counselor, much to my mother's dismay, but I received my Young Womanhood camp recognition, that is apparently part of God's plan to make you miserable in nature, award. And on the bright side, I never even had to complete the hiking portion of the requirements due to my arthritis.

Phew. Bullet taken. My family would never be able to talk me into going camping again and I was sure I'd have no more church obligations.

WRONG.

I did go on a young single adults trip, which was actually a river trip, which included one night of camping. It was an adventure and for all intents and purposes, it was actually quite enjoyable. Still, there was that moment after 6 hours on the river and going into my leader's RV to use the bathroom that I thought, "maybe they'll let me sleep in here if I beg them..." Yeah, right. Off to join the tent gang I went.

Only a year ago, my husband and I were called to be the leaders in charge of all the ward activities. We accepted with the condition of having the professional chef in our ward on our team. Within a few weeks they sent us a list and timeline of activities they wanted us to plan. Everything looked great until I got down to WARD CAMPOUT. Oh, hell no.

So, we put it off and put it off until the bishopric started mentioning it. Luckily by that time, living in Arizona, it was too hot to go camping until the fall. Still, they wanted us to start thinking about it. So I thought about it and came to one conclusion- I cannot, will not, no way in hell, go camping. I will plan it, but I will absolutely not be coming.

So I talked to my husband about this, bringing up some very valid points.

• The people who insist on us holding this activity will very likely have a scheduling conflict and not show up.
• The other people who insist have nice RV's or four wheelers or boats or whatever other toys they need to have a good time. Camping is much less "camping" for them than those of us sleeping in our Walmart tents or even the back of our midsize SUVs.
• I have NO IDEA how to camp in Arizona. It's much different than Utah, where I grew up and I wouldn't even know where to begin to find a decent campground.
• Also, I have no idea what kinds of critters or wildlife live in the Arizona wilderness- what about bobcats, bears, scorpions, rattlesnakes, or other exotic bugs and rodents?
• What about serial killers?
• What about unpleasant neighbor campers? Fighting, yelling, or just disturbing us.
• What about underage drinkers just looking for a place to get wasted?
• What if my Crohn's disease acts up and I get diarrhea all night and have no bathroom? I can't go without a bathroom.
• I paid good money for my bed and I deserve to sleep in it!
• What if we have an emergency and don't have cell phone service?
• What if someone wanders off and gets lost?
• What if kids burn each other with hot marshmallows from the campfire or poke each other in the eye with a stick?
• What if we don't have the proper supplies?
• What if we don't store our food properly and it spoils making us all sick?

... and thank heavens at this point my hubby stopped me and said, "I don't think you hate camping so much as being down right terrified of it!" Which is partially true. I'd call it fear in addition to hate- not a great combination. So, he suggested we talk to our friend in the bishopric about this and maybe pass it off to someone else.

It took some time to get our point across, but I think they started to understand although they still encouraged us to be involved. If by involved they meant delegate, then we were all over that. In a meeting one Sunday morning, the bishop asked about the dates of the camp out and then asked my husband, "So you're gonna be there, right?" He responded with no hesititation, "Absolutely not. I will find any excuse to be out of town that weekend."

Well, it did happen and we did not go nor were we very helpful in planning it as we moved only a few weeks later. All I know is that if I ever get called to participate in girls camp, I will easily decline. I just can't handle it. I will have nightmares of this happening:

In college we lived right near these great canyons. There were always tons of activites going on up there like bonfires and such. Those were pretty fun, but we always got to drive home and sleep in our bed.

I do enjoy nature. The beautiful lakes, the wildflowers, the fresh air- but a couple hours will suffice. The s'mores- I make in my backyard firepit. The tent- I'll pitch in my backyard if my kids ever insist.

I know that a lot of people would argue that those are priceless family memories that I surely cannot deny my children of. I think about that only to be reminded of a sitcom I once caught on tv. I don't remember what it was but one of the main characters had grown up in New York City and the rest had moved there after growing up elsewhere in the country. The episode was based on having adolescent experiences involving a car- driving one, making out in one, etc. This woman was so distraught that she had none of these in her upbringing, so she goes out and gets a driver's license and tries to capture some of those experiences. She fails miserably only to realize that her experiences were merely different, not less. She had had so many advantages living in the city that her friends did not.

That will have to be my kids. Just different. I am willing to do a lot of things for them, even take them up for an evening of bonfires, singing, and s'mores, but we will definitely never be spending the night.

**Also, if you want to have a good laugh you can type "hate camping" into google and read some hilarious stories on why other people don't like camping either. So funny.

We Live in the Future!

Ok, so we're not exactly the Jetsons, but we're getting closer all the time.

New inventions and technological gadgets are being built and distributed every day. I rarely realize how advanced my everyday life is becoming until I look back about 5 years and see how far we've come.

Two years ago my husband got a brand new car. It had all the bells and whistles- it's a hybrid (our first) and has the bluetooth phone, the nav system, and a few fancy car tricks (just thinking how funny this will sound in another five years- ha!). Anyway, we had these cute Sister Missionaries in our ward at the time, one of which was from the Philippines. I had to pick them up one day from one of their meetings and give them a ride home. As my car was "talking" to me they became interested and I showed them some of the features. Then the one sister said in her cute Philipino accent, "Sister! You drive a space ship!" Classic.

I often think about the other things we have at our access without giving it a second thought, or even get irritated if we don't have it. The internet (which we have access to nearly every second), not to mention a laptop- a portable computer of which my husband and I each have our own when I grew up in a house without a computer at all, gps, cell phones, and digital cameras- just to name a few.

My first younger brother went on his mission to Ukraine. By the time he came back after two years, it was amazing how much had changed that was new to him. None of us had iPhones when he left and we ALL had them by the time he came back. My family had also upgraded to Blu-Ray and HDTV. So now my youngest brother is gone and it will be interesting to see what changes in the next two years, although he's in Paris so the modern way of life is not as foreign there.

It may not be the Jetsons or Back to the Future II, but we really do live in the future!

Clueless

This movie came out when I was in Jr High and was HUGELY popular. I'm sure nearly everyone my age could quote the entire show. I find it fitting that it came out at a time in my life when I was better at nothing more than being CLUELESS- and not the movie kind. The real life, painful, other people ache for my mis-fitting in kind.

So last night I was watching What Not to Wear on TLC. The show itself can be overly obnoxious and yet so addicting. I think I sat through 4 episodes telling myself each time a new one started that I would change the channel and find something better on tv. Well, I didn't.

Instead I started thinking about how the way I've dressed over the years has changed. Now, I am not offering up any advice here, because I am no expert. As Cher asks, "Do you prefer "fashion victim" or "ensembly challenged"?" I would answer both. BUT, I think I get better at it each year.

Take for example a pair of jeans. I used to buy a pair of jeans that were affordable and fit pretty nice and then just pair them with anything. Only in the last year or so have I realized the value of a variety of jeans- dress jeans, casual jeans, long jeans, tight jeans, flare jeans, hipster jeans, dark vs. light jeans. All this stuff matters if you're going to make an outfit out of it! Yeah, it's actually pretty important.

Also, the makeup thing is starting to catch on although I do admit that I have a long way to go. I used to buy my makeup at the grocery store. Can you believe it?! THE GROCERY STORE! The same place I buy my food! After that I used all the free makeup I got from work and made it last for a good long while. Then I discovered makeup stores! They are still somewhat intimidating to me and I am still learning what I can and can't get away with, but I'm taking one step at a time. I am at least learning what doesn't work for me and that's a huge hurdle in itself.

I think the most important is that I am learning to dress for my body type. Now, I'm not gonna tell you that I don't pick up some cute little number that I wish I looked good in from time to time. Still, I soon realize that I don't look cute in them and I best leave them for someone else. I carry my weight in my stomach so I have to learn to hide that. My swimsuits are getting less skimpy (love handles at the beach are not hard to come by, so why expose mine?) and my shirts are not as tight. It all sounds kind of depressing, but I'm also learning to play up my assets. I have great legs, so dresses and shorts are very flattering. I also have skinny arms and do ok in the breast region, so I learn to play those up as well. Thank heavens. It's about time.

I know I am no fashion diva or anything, but I hope to at least be respectable. And to leave you with a great quote:

Mel: What the hell is that?

Cher: A dress.

Mel: Says who?

Cher: Calvin Klein.

Being "First"

As the firstborn, you are first for everything.

First experiment for the parents who follow your "first" everythings, first to go to school and climb on that school bus all by yourself, first to drive a car, first to date and be embarrassed by your family, first to go off to college, first to move away from home, first to marry (not always, but in my case). You never get hand-me-downs and you are always the one "in charge."

It's no wonder us firstborns get a complex! It's like a lifelong game of follow the leader! The family is always focused on what you are doing. Every milestone I ever hit was celebrated not only by me, but the whole clan. By the time my brother was going on his first date, we were all unaware watching a movie in the basement.

In any case, you can see how for a very long time the world revolved around me to an extent. After one semester away at college I came home for a weekend and my sister told me, "I'm glad you don't live here! YOU'RE BOSSY!" And she was right. But can you blame me? I actually kind of find it funny that she never realized it until I was gone and no one was telling her what to do all the time.

Still, I'm getting off point with my background details. Being the first to do everything basically seems like a right of passage when you are the oldest child. My oh my, how things are changing! Adult life is not so much like that and I think that in some ways it makes the transition harder. As I mentioned, both my sisters are having babies this year (actually one already had hers). WEIRD! You mean I'm NOT first!?

Of course I assumed my whole life that I would get married and have kids before any of my siblings. Things were thrown off course when my sister got pregnant out of wedlock and then married a man with a child. Well, I could still kind of be first, right? Wrong. She was pregnant again only months after she got married. I thought it would upset me, but it really didn't. I wasn't ready for kids anyway, but it was strange.

Now I'm falling WAY behind, but for once in my life I'm taking the mellow route and just trying to enjoy it. The truth is, for the first time in my life, it's nice being a follower. It's nice having someone do something before you and learning from their experiences. It's nice getting their good advice (let me stress the good part), and it will be nice to get their old baby items when my turn finally comes. I guess it's not bad to sit in the backseat once in a while instead of always being the driver. Perhaps I'll try it more often ;)

Far Off Places

So, here's the thing- I have a restless soul.

Lately the hubby and I have been casually talking about moving to Australia as "Our Next BIG Adventure!" The more I think about it, the more I like the idea.

I've always wanted to live outside of the country. Serving a mission didn't help cross that off the checklist, like it does so many LDS people. I've had friends that have lived elsewhere and loved it and I just can't seem to get that out of my head.

I used to think life would be so simply laid out and goals easy to envision. Turns out none of that is true. Life is a lot different than I imagined it and mostly in good, but still surprising, ways. Like Molly Shannon says in Serendipity, "Life is choas, personified." Couldn't agree more.

It breaks my heart when people that I know just settle in and head full force into the rest of their lives (imagine Morgan Freeman's voice). And where I grew up they start this at such a young age. The typical road map- get married, have babies, and hopefully buy a house near the grandparents. Blah. I need a little more adventure than that! I realize that there are many people who are fine with their lives being this way and some that probably wish it was. Not I. Since life is crazy anyways, I say we turn it upside down voluntarily. Let us embrace the unexpected and the unfamiliar!

I suddenly am having these images of vacationing in the outback, picnicking near the Great Barrier Reef, celebrating Christmas in the summer, watching my toilet flush "backwards," teaching my kids to sing Waltzing Matilda, eating chocolate bilbies and vegemites, attending cultural events at the Sydney Opera House, playing boomerang in the park, and driving on the "wrong" side of the road.

Aaaah. That sounds like a great life to me. Now only if Australia had their own Disneyland... the biggest drawback for me, because I am definitely NOT raising my children with no Disneyland.

When the Hubby is Away

My husband and I spend a fair amount of time apart. Not always by choice. His job is always taking him here or there and I am very lucky to be able to go with him often. I also am lucky that he supports me in going on trips with girlfriends or family, and I like to take advantage of that. We are pretty independent and I feel really trusting (maybe even overly trusting) of him. I think the time apart is really healthy for our marriage. Neither one of us feels like we can't pursue personal interests and even though we miss each other like mad, we always come home to someone who loves us and that is really nice to have. It's one of the only things that I feel like keeps me being me.

When I'm not the one leaving it's a little bit harder. I am a good self starter and great at keeping myself occupied. I am somewhat of a loner mixed with a little bit of homebody so I kind of like to have a few days to just recharge. I miss having company, but it's nice to have "me" time.

Still, there are some downsides. Hubby is the cook, therefore I find myself hungry a lot more frequently. I rarely watch tv because he's always the one with the remote (I know that seems silly, but it's just a weird habit I've gotten into). The cleaning is not very consuming because it actually stays clean. The worst part about all of it is not being able to sleep at night.

There's something about a man sleeping next to you that makes you feel safe. Although I am sure that if something happened, he would be equally freaked out. Even when he's not actually in bed with me, it's comforting just to know he's there. When he's gone I will keep myself up as long as I possibly can to keep myself from lying in bed awake and imagining all the things that could go wrong. It's an exhausting routine I create for myself, but I'm not really sure how to change it. It really is no fun. He's been gone for over a week and although having company has helped, I am so ready for a good night's sleep again.

The Thing About Friends

The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart. ~Elisabeth Foley

I had the privilege of having my best friend from high school, Annie, visit me this past weekend. I am embarrassed to say that we haven't had one on one time for about seven years or even longer. I have been married for almost 6 years and she for almost 4. We have always lived in different places, but I still am sad that we haven't found more quality time to spend together.

There's something so comfortable about an old friend. Like a favorite pair of old shoes, you love the way they fit you and you remember all the places they've taken you. Annie is just like that. I just adore the fact that I can say or behave any way around her and it doesn't matter because she really knows who I am deep down inside. I love that we can still walk around in our underwear and not care. I love that we can enjoy hours of conversation about things we've done together and the things that occupy us now. She is such a breath of fresh air to me and a reminder of the best times in the past.

There's also something strange about an old friend. It's almost like you want to go back but at the same time are glad to have moved forward. Annie is a huge reminder of the person I was and how far I've come. She also is a huge part of the path that brought me to where I am, and for that I am so thankful. Still, there's this strange but satisfying gap between us knowing that we grew together for so long and still have managed to stay true to ourselves individually.

There's also this strange realization that multiple someone's have filled those best friend shoes at different times in my life and the same is true for her. It's even more strange to think that some of my best friends don't even know my best friends! Still, I am glad to have the best friend I have now and plan on keeping him for a long while.

True friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable. ~Dave Tyson Gentry

Jet Setter

My Grandma once told me that she was missing one of her children and didn't know where they had gone. She came home to find a note on the counter that read, "Went to Mike's for the weekend. See you Sunday night." She was furious. No one had asked for her consent and all she got was a measly little note. She threw her desire for bad karma at her kids by saying, "I hope someday your children leave you a note saying, 'Gone to Paris for the weekend. See you Sunday night.' "

Well, I don't think it's exactly come to that yet, but I can't say that it's that far off either. It's pretty simple to pick up and go. Sure, I traveled a lot with my family growing up, but I still remember the excitement of buying my first airline ticket- by myself. I thought, "Should I call my mom and tell her? Why? I'm an adult. I'm paying for it." So I didn't. I just went to New York for a few days thus concreting my independence.

A few years ago my husband and I decided to go to the island of Grenada at the last minute. Since it was out of the country I thought maybe we should have some sort of emergency contact or something. I said to him, "Did you tell your parents we were leaving the country?" to which he responded, "Babe, we're married. We can do whatever we want!" It was funny because I didn't mean it in the way that he should be reporting to them, but it did make me think of many of the perks of being a grown up.

Who knows, maybe OUR kids will leave us notes while they're off galavanting in Paris for the weekend. As long as they pay for it themselves and have a great time, no harm done. They just better be 18 first:)