I Miss....

As Thanksgiving has come and gone and I've spent time reading on facebook and blogs what everyone is thankful for, I can't help but recognize how private a person I am. I don't like to share anything too personal, I prefer to mask my feelings, and I keep many things locked up inside. This is neither good nor bad, just who I am. Still, I feel so touched from reading what other people are grateful for and recognize so many similar blessings in my own life.

Tonight as I lay in bed, emotionally exhausted from the week, I've been thinking of the things I miss. And I guess in a way, the things I miss are the things I am grateful for, or once was. So here is a mash up of things I miss and am grateful for....

I miss my little brother. He's serving a mission in France and has only been gone 8 months, leaving 16 more to go. I eagerly wait to hear from him each week and can't wait to talk to him on Christmas. I miss his energy when we are together as a family and I miss talking to one of my very best friends.

I miss my house. It's no longer mine, but I still miss it. I miss the way everything we owned had it's own place in that house. I miss the warmth of friendship that seemed to fill it so frequently. I miss lying in bed at night and feeling like I had a place to really call home. I miss having my own little piece of land with my very own castle.

I miss my friends. They are spread far and wide and we rarely get to see them, though I think about them often. This year has been a terrible year for us socially. I miss late night chats with other couples. I miss having someone else to call to go to a movie or dinner. I miss borrowing eggs from the neighbor. I miss inviting people over for dinner. I miss having their kids around. I miss laughing with them. I miss girls' nights and girls' trips. I miss the feeling of having someone to lean on and let my walls down with. I miss having friends that really are friends.

I miss my nieces and nephews. They are still fairly new to me, but I am surprised at how much I instantly loved them. I miss the ridiculous things they do and all the ways they make me smile. I miss their cute little faces and their funny little ways. I wish I could just pack them up and bring them with me everywhere I go. They have a way of making any day a good one.

I miss the way things were. Is that generic enough for you? Ha. I miss being a kid and never having to worry about anything. When the most important parts of my day were who would sit by me at lunch and play with me at recess. I miss living in an apartment filled with girls. It involved a lot of drama, but also a lot of very good memories. I miss my best roommate of all time- staying up late watching Friends, making paper chains for Christmas in September, and complaining about our other roommates. I miss the early days of being married and all the excitement that surrounded us. Seems like 6 years of mundane has crept in and just changed us in some ways.

I miss my job. I am thankful for the one I have, but it's nothing compared to where I've been. I miss feeling satisfied by what I do and knowing that getting paid is not my only reward.

I miss feeling like I'm in control. It's starting to come back, but I've felt extremely incapable over the past year. I've been very humbled finding out what I actually can control and what I can't.

I miss the warmer weather. Every time I think "it won't be that bad," it proves that it really is that bad... even worse. We used to have the luxury of traveling frequently and living in a great climate. Now we have neither, but it still could be worse. If anyone knows of an island I could buy somewhere, please contact me.

I am most grateful, as always, for my husband. My knight in shining armor who seems to miraculously turn things around when they aren't going well. I am thankful that he has a job and that he supports me in anything I choose to do- even if that involves watching movies all day. He has an amazing talent for making me feel better and always keeping me well fed. I am thankful for his efforts to finish school and improve our family's future.

I am thankful for the things that have stayed intact through a year of hardship- love, faith, friendship, trips to Disney, and being with people that I love when it really counts. Without these, the year might have been completely unbearable.

I am thankful for my grandma, who is on my mind frequently. I am thankful to know that her life is a legacy for me to live up to. I am so grateful to know that I can be with her forever, especially when her loss is still so new. I am grateful for the example she always was to me and the handfuls of cousins I have that started with her.

I am thankful for my recent turn of good health. It's a very long, hard road to walk alone and it can be especially hard when you know just what you're missing. Physical limitations are so frustrating and discouraging, so for the time being, I am grateful to be mostly without them.

Regardless of the troubled year behind us, we have enjoyed so much abundance and even luxury from time to time. I have learned the importance of charity, friendship, and unconditional love. I am grateful to have walked this path with the best partner I could ever find. I am so, so blessed in spite of my cynicisms.