Growing Old

"And I guess that's when it hit me. For the first time, this man, who had always been Hercules to me, didn't seem quite the same. For the first time, my grandfather seemed... old"

Kevin Arnold always bringing up a good point. I was lucky enough to be born with four living grandparents. Grandparents I knew, loved, interacted with, and still remember. They were the quintessential grandparents.

I lost both of my grandfathers in the same year. I was twelve. Sure, I had plenty of memories of each of them, but twelve now seems like so long ago. I do know that they were both good men, and neither one of them seemed that old. Sure, my maternal grandfather had some health issues and at the time I thought his death was rather unexpected, but as an adult I realize what a blessing it was to see him go so peacefully without too much suffering. My paternal grandfather was gone in the night- one day here, the next day gone. It was shocking, but still not damaging.

The point is, they never really got old. At the time I thought they were kind of old, being a young kid myself. Now, as I watch my grandmothers age and one of them literally wasting away, I am starting to see what it's really like to grow old. It sucks. I feel bad for them in a way. My grandfathers were so lucky. My one grandma in particular is hard to watch as her body shuts down one bit at a time. She may not be with us much longer- days, even.

It's hard to watch people grow old. Not just the graying hair, playing golf, listening to the tv too loud old- the being lonely and spending most days in bed kind. It's devastating really. It's hard for me to see my grandma in a way that seems so unfamiliar. I just want her to get dressed in one of her dress suits and take all the granddaughters to the ballet, the way we used to. It's the first time in my life that I've had personal experience with seeing someone actually get old, and I'm not a big fan.

It makes me not want to grow old, not lose my husband, not lie in bed with declining health, and not beg for any company I can find. Not that people don't love my grandma and want to see her, but we all have lives and sadly but truthfully, they don't revolve around her. I'd much assume have death approach me at a younger age, because that is truly less scary than the alternative.