Something that Makes Me Nervous

As a young child I became very sick. After consulting with doctors, it was decided that I should be put on some very heavy medications. It was very scary and the outcome unknown and unimaginable to me at the time. I was young, but could still reason and I could hardly bear to think what consequences might lie in store and it became very frightening for me. One night I was expressing my concerns to my mother in tears as I asked, “Will I still be able to have children someday?” The whole event being far less dramatic than it seemed, she softened up and said, “yes, of course you will” and I said, “good, because otherwise it would never be worth it.”

As a teenager I always wanted eight- yes, EIGHT- children. I had it planned out perfectly and hoped at what time in my life they would come and what gender they would be. It was all a bit naive but I know plenty of teenagers who plan and hope for the same types of family life. Almost as if, as a woman, we know at a young age that it’s the most important thing we’ll ever do. As I grew into young adulthood, but still not married, I used to pray at night and hope that Heavenly Father would pass on a message to those sweet spirits whom I awaited that I always thought of them and hoped that in a matter of years we would all be joined here on Earth. I know that many close friends of mine did something of that nature with the same ideal.

I finally did get married at the ripe young age of 22. A bit late for my eight children plan, but the reality of having eight children seemed daunting by then anyway. So I’d cut back by a few. After all, the riches I imagined having in my life with eight children didn’t seem to be as easily attainable as I thought they might be for someone with such good intentions for it. Not to mention, the grown up age of 22 didn’t seem quite so “grown up.” I suddenly felt like a baby myself regardless of friends my same age having children.

There have been times in my six years of marriage that I have felt a yearning for children, but those times and those feelings have been dwarfed by the trials and the uncertainty that always lie ahead. In a world where most of our friends not only have children, but some are done having children, it has been easy to see the exhaustion, worry, and marital strife that children can bring with their mere existence.

I love children. I think I am actually good with children. They have a way of softening even the hardest of hearts and making you laugh in even the hardest of times. Even with the arrival of nieces and nephews, they possess what can only be known as magic in capturing your heart.

Still, as I grow older, the thought of having children and the great task that comes with each precious soul seems so overwhelming. And yet.... there is still that piece deep within me that knows I will never be whole, and our family will never become a family, without those souls enhancing and richening our lives. I know what I should want and while sometimes I do, I feel so unprepared, so burdened, so terrified at the risk of failing. Things that I once thought would come so naturally I question constantly.

My health is at as much risk now as it ever has been. It hasn’t eliminated the possibility of bearing children, but it has made it that much more cautious and there is much to be done to plan for it. It also fills my mind with so many mental blocks in addition to my physical capabilities that I fear will not sustain me through child rearing. I no longer dream of having eight children. I know that I could never provide for that many, neither financially or emotionally. I don’t think I could handle more than four and still dream of even being able to have what seems an “incomplete” family with two children.

Part of my fear stems from being able to give them the few things I never had or cherishing the things I had so much and not being able to give them those experiences. I love to travel- I want to take them all over the world, experience different cultures, see the beauties that lie over every inch of this planet. I want to take them to Disney, my most happy and favorite place in this entire world, every year. I want to be able to put them in private school and give them a great education and a direction that I have still never found. I want to give them every advantage they could possibly use as an adult to carry on in happiness in creating a life of their own. I want to be able to take family vacations, a dying experience for my family and in-laws, which I miss and regret to even say. I want to be able to provide them with toys, birthday parties, braces, college, weddings, and all the things that cost a substantial amount of money.

I fear that in these last days we will miss all the teaching moments that will seem so small and yet be eternally important. I fear that as parents we won’t always be the examples that we wish to be for them. I fear that trials might overcome our ability to have hope and trust in our faith. I fear that our children’s trials might come between my husband and I in times when we might need each other most. I fear that my body will cripple during the ever so important moments of hide and seek, taking first steps, and other important milestones that happen in the dullness of our every days. I fear that the shift in life that comes with taking care of children may make my husband feel overwhelmed or maybe ignored or even unimportant and unloved. It may seem silly, but I’ve seen it happen to other couples and it is so tragic when it does.

I want nothing more than a home filled with love. With people who stay by each other’s sides as we grow old. Who share in the richness of all the experiences that family life can bring. A place that we’d rather be than anywhere else. A place where each person feels welcomed and important and useful.

The problem is, there are no guarantees.

There are so many risks.

I have seen so many failures.

I am sure that’s what almost everyone wants and yet it seems to be such a rare thing to find, and when you do, it’s easy to recognize how special it is to be a part of it.

My husband is fairly nonchalant about the whole thing. Either that or he’s overly confident. Still, I know he’s got to have some concerns.... some fears... many hopes....

Or maybe he’s just that naive. I just wish I knew.

I’m sure over time we can face each milestone as it comes and I still yearn for those whom I know I must have loved so much in the life before this. It’s just very, very intimidating.