Feelings of Inadequacy

I basically feel inadequate in everything I do.

Inadequate daughter.

Inadequate wife.

Inadequate grown-up.

Inadequate person.

And the list goes on.

I just don't understand how people have it so together and I feel so out of control? It may not seem so from my even temper, but I am a stress master rolled up into this little human body that suffers greatly for it. I just feel like no matter what I do, I can never seem to get it together.

I feel alienated from my family, perhaps only by fault of my own. Still, whatever caused it isn't going to change and it doesn't seem to bother any of them in the least. On top of that I feel like a paramount disappointment to my parents. All the things I hoped to turn out to be and make them proud have failed miserably.

My husband is a great guy. Truthfully, he is. Still, I am constantly feeling like I don't live up to his expectations which I am sure is only mirrored by the fact that I feel the same way about him. I feel like when things aren't perfect or I need to take a time out for a minor (or major) breakdown, he just can't deal with it. His not getting along with my mom also makes it hard to balance between the two. I can't stand being with both of them at the same time because I am having to absorb eye rolls in every direction.

I somehow missed the college 101 course on transitioning to adulthood. I just plain suck at it. Where do people get all these ideas to become these great performing, social, well adjusted and accomplished human beings? I am none of the above. I have no confidence in myself which translates to horrible self esteem and lack of enthusiasm for life. Sure I have my moments, but they consist of very high highs and very low lows.

I just feel like a disappointment to everyone. Sure I have a few talents, but thus far have proved absolutely worthless. The thing is... I want to change. I just don't even know where to begin.

10 Things

Today I had to go to Walmart to get my tires rotated and balanced. Here are the handful of things that crossed my mind:

1- Why is it that I can go into a store and almost always take nearly an hour or more, but when you have to do it (because you're waiting for your car) it seems like such a long time?

2- I wandered over to the books, looked through some and read part of some. I've always thought that an author's name should never be bigger than the title of the book. It's egotistical and tells you nothing about the story.

3- Have you ever noticed the treasures and odd ends you can find when your not looking for anything and just browsing? Today I found a Michael Jackson Thriller tote on sale for $2. You better believe I bought it! I'll use it for a while before it makes a grand appearance as a white elephant gift.

4- I started to get hungry but I couldn't really get any groceries since I'm leaving town. I just hate throwing out large amount of good food. It's like money right down the drain.

5- Polygamists are a mystery to me. It's so strange that I'm getting used to them and still sad we didn't have a sighting when my in-laws were in town. It's like seeing something make-believe is really real.

6- I wandered through the seasonal section that was loaded with pool toys. It really made me miss Phoenix- summer nights with good food, friends, and swimming in the backyard. I do hope we have a pool again someday. On the same note, I hope we have friends again someday.

7- I started thinking about all the things I need to get done before I leave tomorrow. Then started getting antsy about aimlessly wandering around Walmart. Time for the stress to settle in!

8- Tried some Pretzel M&M's for the first time. They've got to be my favorite! So, so yummy and 30% healthier than other M&M's (if there is any scenario in which you can classify them as healthy). I hope they don't disappear on me. The other day I saw a Mr. Goodbar in the gas station and I've been craving one ever since- can't find one. I also really miss the chewy Jolly Ranchers. Why is some of the best candy impossible to find?

9- I realized my car also needs a new wiper blade, but they didn't have it. My car has 98,500 miles on it right now. I'm about to take the great big depreciation hit! I'd be more nervous, but I'm gonna drive that thing into the ground, I love it so much.

10- Why do car services always cost more than you plan for? Ugh.

A Little Bit of Heaven

In Primary, when I was very young, we had a lesson on thinking about Jesus during the sacrament. For some reason, I've always remembered it. The teacher stressed that even though it's hard for kids to stay focused on Jesus, it's also very hard for adults to do the same. She said they had to think about work, what's for dinner, keeping kids calm and quiet, changing diapers, running errands, and on and on. I agreed that adults had a lot on their minds, but thought it couldn't possibly be that hard for them to stay concentrated for 10 minutes or so.

Then I grew up and it is as hard as she said it was all those years ago. Only now, we have even more distractions. Phones and electronics keep us entertained (because heaven forbid we go 5 minutes without that). Generally, I've tried to make a good effort towards reverence and thinking about Christ during the sacrament, but I often fail or find my mind wandering.

I remember sometime around my mission I was in some sort of class taking a personal spiritual inventory. One of the questions read, "Do you think about the Savior daily?" Of course I think about the Savior daily! How could there ever be a time in my life where that could escape me? Well- that time is now. I am embarrassed to admit it.

It's amazing how thinking about Christ for 10 minutes is a challenge. It's amazing how thinking about him daily does not come naturally. It's amazing the distractions that consume us somehow take over and keep us from paying attention to the things that are really important without us even realizing it.

Lately this has all come to my attention as, with the recent passing of my grandma, I've been thinking about heaven frequently. A friend of mine lost a child and has posted on her blog, "One of the best ways to have a little bit of Heaven in your home, is to have someone you love in Heaven." I am finding that so true. Since my grandma has left us for heaven it seems as if she's been sharing just a little, tiny glimpse of it with me. I've experienced so much peace and happiness knowing our Heavenly Father's plan and the stage of it she has just now crossed into.

It may not seem like much, but peace is so valuable. I once heard that peace is the only feeling that Satan cannot counter, confuse, construe. Peace is something you can only get from God. In a world where spirituality doesn't come naturally, or daily, or sometimes even often, it can be so easy to lose your way or simply become complacent. I know I am guilty of both. It has been so nice to have even a little peace and remind me of all the blessings that God has in store for us.

"Cousin to cousin we'll always be, Special friends from the same family tree."

My husband has 10 cousins. That's the total for both sides of his family (with the exception of a few love children that we're unaware of). He said he had some interaction with 4 of them growing up but the 4 on his dad's side were so much older than him and the 2 others on his mom's side are still not even teenagers yet. Even though he came from a big Mormon family with 6 kids, he really hasn't had the benefit of having a huge extended family.

I, on the other hand, have 28 cousins on one side, and am the oldest of 17 on the other side. So yeah- I have a whole lot of cousins. Not only do I have a lot of cousins, I actually like them and see them and have relationships with most of them. I would say my husband has a relationship with one, maybe two of his cousins, and they aren't the same ones he played with growing up. He says he always likes going to see my cousins and it's kind of a neat concept to him.

Who wouldn't love them, though? I have great cousins all over the country! I have had the pleasure of seeing most of them this past weekend since my grandma did indeed pass away and we were all gathered for her funeral. Every time we get together I can't but help think how lucky I am to have such an awesome extended family. They really are the greatest and some of my favorite people, and friends for life.

Growing Old

"And I guess that's when it hit me. For the first time, this man, who had always been Hercules to me, didn't seem quite the same. For the first time, my grandfather seemed... old"

Kevin Arnold always bringing up a good point. I was lucky enough to be born with four living grandparents. Grandparents I knew, loved, interacted with, and still remember. They were the quintessential grandparents.

I lost both of my grandfathers in the same year. I was twelve. Sure, I had plenty of memories of each of them, but twelve now seems like so long ago. I do know that they were both good men, and neither one of them seemed that old. Sure, my maternal grandfather had some health issues and at the time I thought his death was rather unexpected, but as an adult I realize what a blessing it was to see him go so peacefully without too much suffering. My paternal grandfather was gone in the night- one day here, the next day gone. It was shocking, but still not damaging.

The point is, they never really got old. At the time I thought they were kind of old, being a young kid myself. Now, as I watch my grandmothers age and one of them literally wasting away, I am starting to see what it's really like to grow old. It sucks. I feel bad for them in a way. My grandfathers were so lucky. My one grandma in particular is hard to watch as her body shuts down one bit at a time. She may not be with us much longer- days, even.

It's hard to watch people grow old. Not just the graying hair, playing golf, listening to the tv too loud old- the being lonely and spending most days in bed kind. It's devastating really. It's hard for me to see my grandma in a way that seems so unfamiliar. I just want her to get dressed in one of her dress suits and take all the granddaughters to the ballet, the way we used to. It's the first time in my life that I've had personal experience with seeing someone actually get old, and I'm not a big fan.

It makes me not want to grow old, not lose my husband, not lie in bed with declining health, and not beg for any company I can find. Not that people don't love my grandma and want to see her, but we all have lives and sadly but truthfully, they don't revolve around her. I'd much assume have death approach me at a younger age, because that is truly less scary than the alternative.

How Marriage has Made Me a Better Person

So, you wanna know one thing I hate about being married? When I get together with all my girlfriends, many conversations revolve around how our husbands are so strange, or disgusting, or lazy, or peculiar, and sometimes much worse. It's nice to know that other people go through some of the same frustrations, but sometimes I think we fail to see the best in people.

What happened to the days when I'd come home to my roommates, star-struck by young love as I sigh and land on the couch, only to have my roommates crawling over each other to hear how awesome my date went? I really miss that.

Yet, I realize that I still get those same feelings occasionally, when I'm not wiping toothpaste off the mirror or yelling for the hubby to shut the bathroom door when he takes a crap. Sometimes the glamour is overlooked, but it seems like the real important things are still intact.

Marriage is hard. Even for those of us who are better than most at it. It is amazing how differently you picture it before you are in it and yet there is still nothing tangible to pass on to help prepare those who haven't been married. It just comes with it's unique circumstances and trials that we all have to deal with as they come and go.

But, even as we approach 6 years of marriage, I am reminded every day and certainly more often than in past years, how much I love my husband. How he truly is the light of my life. How he honestly holds the power to make all my dreams come true, regardless of the fact that they are much different than they used to be and ever-changing.

There is some uncertainty as a young adult to where life will take you and you know that somewhere along the way you could meet someone that completely redirects your course. For me, it was a constant. It was lonely more often than I'd ever admit. There was some stress and a fair amount of pressure on how every choice I made could alter my destiny.

Now, even when I'm lonely, I know I'm really never alone. I know that someone loves me and I hope with all my heart he knows how much I love him. He makes me laugh every single day. He gives me the strength and freedom I need to feel independent while still knowing how dependent I really am. We don't always bring out the best in each other, but we push each other to try new things and do better. He is my very best friend. I am such a private person, but I am surprised at how much more comfortable I feel sharing things with him, and it gets easier with the amount of time that passes. It's so nice to know that no matter what, somebody's got your back.

Our little family of two is ever strengthening, it's roots growing deeper all the time. We become more attached, more intertwined, more synchronized, more complete with every passing moment. Marriage truly has made me a better person, even in ways I could have never imagined.

Something that Makes Me Nervous

As a young child I became very sick. After consulting with doctors, it was decided that I should be put on some very heavy medications. It was very scary and the outcome unknown and unimaginable to me at the time. I was young, but could still reason and I could hardly bear to think what consequences might lie in store and it became very frightening for me. One night I was expressing my concerns to my mother in tears as I asked, “Will I still be able to have children someday?” The whole event being far less dramatic than it seemed, she softened up and said, “yes, of course you will” and I said, “good, because otherwise it would never be worth it.”

As a teenager I always wanted eight- yes, EIGHT- children. I had it planned out perfectly and hoped at what time in my life they would come and what gender they would be. It was all a bit naive but I know plenty of teenagers who plan and hope for the same types of family life. Almost as if, as a woman, we know at a young age that it’s the most important thing we’ll ever do. As I grew into young adulthood, but still not married, I used to pray at night and hope that Heavenly Father would pass on a message to those sweet spirits whom I awaited that I always thought of them and hoped that in a matter of years we would all be joined here on Earth. I know that many close friends of mine did something of that nature with the same ideal.

I finally did get married at the ripe young age of 22. A bit late for my eight children plan, but the reality of having eight children seemed daunting by then anyway. So I’d cut back by a few. After all, the riches I imagined having in my life with eight children didn’t seem to be as easily attainable as I thought they might be for someone with such good intentions for it. Not to mention, the grown up age of 22 didn’t seem quite so “grown up.” I suddenly felt like a baby myself regardless of friends my same age having children.

There have been times in my six years of marriage that I have felt a yearning for children, but those times and those feelings have been dwarfed by the trials and the uncertainty that always lie ahead. In a world where most of our friends not only have children, but some are done having children, it has been easy to see the exhaustion, worry, and marital strife that children can bring with their mere existence.

I love children. I think I am actually good with children. They have a way of softening even the hardest of hearts and making you laugh in even the hardest of times. Even with the arrival of nieces and nephews, they possess what can only be known as magic in capturing your heart.

Still, as I grow older, the thought of having children and the great task that comes with each precious soul seems so overwhelming. And yet.... there is still that piece deep within me that knows I will never be whole, and our family will never become a family, without those souls enhancing and richening our lives. I know what I should want and while sometimes I do, I feel so unprepared, so burdened, so terrified at the risk of failing. Things that I once thought would come so naturally I question constantly.

My health is at as much risk now as it ever has been. It hasn’t eliminated the possibility of bearing children, but it has made it that much more cautious and there is much to be done to plan for it. It also fills my mind with so many mental blocks in addition to my physical capabilities that I fear will not sustain me through child rearing. I no longer dream of having eight children. I know that I could never provide for that many, neither financially or emotionally. I don’t think I could handle more than four and still dream of even being able to have what seems an “incomplete” family with two children.

Part of my fear stems from being able to give them the few things I never had or cherishing the things I had so much and not being able to give them those experiences. I love to travel- I want to take them all over the world, experience different cultures, see the beauties that lie over every inch of this planet. I want to take them to Disney, my most happy and favorite place in this entire world, every year. I want to be able to put them in private school and give them a great education and a direction that I have still never found. I want to give them every advantage they could possibly use as an adult to carry on in happiness in creating a life of their own. I want to be able to take family vacations, a dying experience for my family and in-laws, which I miss and regret to even say. I want to be able to provide them with toys, birthday parties, braces, college, weddings, and all the things that cost a substantial amount of money.

I fear that in these last days we will miss all the teaching moments that will seem so small and yet be eternally important. I fear that as parents we won’t always be the examples that we wish to be for them. I fear that trials might overcome our ability to have hope and trust in our faith. I fear that our children’s trials might come between my husband and I in times when we might need each other most. I fear that my body will cripple during the ever so important moments of hide and seek, taking first steps, and other important milestones that happen in the dullness of our every days. I fear that the shift in life that comes with taking care of children may make my husband feel overwhelmed or maybe ignored or even unimportant and unloved. It may seem silly, but I’ve seen it happen to other couples and it is so tragic when it does.

I want nothing more than a home filled with love. With people who stay by each other’s sides as we grow old. Who share in the richness of all the experiences that family life can bring. A place that we’d rather be than anywhere else. A place where each person feels welcomed and important and useful.

The problem is, there are no guarantees.

There are so many risks.

I have seen so many failures.

I am sure that’s what almost everyone wants and yet it seems to be such a rare thing to find, and when you do, it’s easy to recognize how special it is to be a part of it.

My husband is fairly nonchalant about the whole thing. Either that or he’s overly confident. Still, I know he’s got to have some concerns.... some fears... many hopes....

Or maybe he’s just that naive. I just wish I knew.

I’m sure over time we can face each milestone as it comes and I still yearn for those whom I know I must have loved so much in the life before this. It’s just very, very intimidating.