I'm Starting with the Man in the Mirror

Or in this case... woman.

Sigh.  I miss blogging and although there's a handful of things I really ought to be doing right now, I feel like I just need to take a moment for myself and reflect on a few things in my life right now.

Life is good.

I wish I could help every one of you understand how sincerely I mean that.  I feel so abundantly blessed in my life right now, regardless of my trials.  I think back a couple years ago and remember how I wondered if I'd ever be able to say that again, and then I realize how far we've come.

I feel like the last two and a half years have been very challenging.  There were times when I'd felt like I had lost nearly everything.  There have been times when loneliness has literally taken over my existence and made me feel completely unimportant in this world.  There have been trials, big and small; some faced gracefully and some not handled well.  I'm not thankful for them all.  I think people who say that are liars.  Given the choice, I wouldn't go through them again.  I also think people who say otherwise are liars.

But here I am.  And not only that, but I feel like the transformation has only begun and it's gaining momentum quickly.  I feel a lot of positive change on the horizon mixed with a whole new outlook on life.  I've never, at any point in my existence, been so ready to embrace it.

Last month my husband took me to Las Vegas and we saw Cirque's Immortal show based on Michael Jackson.  I didn't love the show, but I love me some MJ.  Say what you will about him, but I think starting with the man in the mirror is exactly what we all need to do and I feel like at this point in my life, I have the courage to do it.  Thank you for a beautiful, positive message!

Forge ahead fearless souls!  Make a difference, even if it's only for yourself!

Chance Encounters

Sometimes I really enjoy running into people I know.  I remember the first time I recognized someone I knew at our Walmart in Phoenix and I thought, "this is really where we live!" for us, these little things are huge things, mostly because our lives are more transient than most.

That's not to say we don't run into people on the road too, because we do.  Mostly it's more fun that way because it's especially unexpected.  More than once I've seen an old college friend in an airport somewhere.  And in today's world where we track each other's every move electronically via social networking, it's even better when it's a real surprise.

Still, I think these encounters are a novelty because they don't happen all that frequently. I don't always have good days, and even if I did, I don't want to run into people I know everywhere I go.  There's always the mandatory chit chat that takes place...

How you doing?
Fine.
What's new?
Not much.

Blah, blah, blah.

Am I the only person who dislikes these interactions? I guess I just feel like I'd rather hear something of substance.

Anyway, my home town is small, and not only is it small, most people never leave.  If I had to guess the percentage of my graduating class that lives within and hour I'd say it's anywhere from 60-85%. seriously.

Now, I hate to be the kind of person that lets stupid things in high school dwell with me for life, but I didn't love it. I should be over it, and in many ways I am, but I don't like feeling like I'm reliving it, even occasionally.  I keep track of the people I want to, I see most of the people I want to, and there are only a few exceptions, a handful maybe. I really feel like life got good the day I graduated, and the further I got from "home" the more amazing it got... exponentially.

In the same way I love to see some people, I really hate to see others.  Not because I hate them as people, just because I am apathetic and don't feel like they can serve any remaining purpose in my life or I in theirs.  That's a terrible thing to say isn't it? Well, it's true regardless.

So you can just picture me at the store with my mom the other day when I heard a familiar voice and turn around to see two old high school friends catching up.  One I didn't want to see and the other I didn't mind, but either way I knew I didn't want to be caught in the middle of them.  Luckily I saw them before they saw me and I tried to strategize a way to exit the building without them noticing me. We were in a hurry anyway so I couldn't feel that bad about it.  Unfortunately they were standing right near the doorway. My first mistake was telling my mom, "I don't feel like talking to high school people today." she understood, but given their physical position she insisted that I'd at least have to say hi.  Which I did, after she drew attention to the fact that we were there.  Nothing more, nothing less, just "hi" before making a quick exit.

Ugh. I couldn't shake the feeling of how much I hate that.  It always reaffirms the fact that I chose to move away and never return. I think my husband is the only one that understands this weird quirk (can it even be called that?) of mine.  Not because he can relate, but because he's heard me talk about it for the past seven and a half years of marriage, my opinion and decision never wavering.  My sisters know I'm this way, but I don't think they get it at all ( not that they should).

I knew even before I left high school that the world was waiting, and the moment that became apparent I couldn't wait to get the hell out. It was the best thing ive ever done for myself. So when I explain it to my husband I tell him that the stubbornness to never return comes from this self created image of failure.  It's odd in a way.... I mean, if I were to live there I'd see myself as having failed at life, but I don't typically view other people that way.  I get that some people choose to live there and some, in fact, could never bear the thought of leaving (insert future rant). Either way, I don't disrespect them for being there unless they constantly say they don't want to be.  But if it were me, I'd be overcome with defeat stemming from the determination I had to leave in the first place.

Perfect example: I'm at dinner with my husband and some of my well traveled and successful friends from high school (from the classification of those I adore and keep track of). I'd go into more details, but they have seen the world and seen it good.  They are open minded and interesting and have accomplished all kinds of things that I value in a person.  Then one of them turns to me and says, "so how badly do you want to end back up in our home town?" while holding the vomit down I caught a glimpse of longing in his voice, which I semi-respected. Then I answered for myself, "about as badly as I want a root canal." here we are in Times Square, in one of the greatest cities on earth, and by far the most superior city in the US, and not only are we there, but I'm living there at the time and all I can think is that I feel so blessed to feel a sense of belonging here, something I never felt growing up, at least after the age of eleven.  Still, I had to credit him for wanting that.  Surely he knew better.  Surely he'd seen what else was out there.  And if there's anything I truly respect its people who make decisions based on who they truly are.  My disgust for him wanting to move back there was replaced with respect for our differences and the fact that we could remain friends in spite of them.

We all experience life differently.  We all grow in different places and at different times. And when it comes down to it, I just enjoy my wings more than I'll ever enjoy my roots. My parents and family may not like that at times, but they were the ones who opened my eyes and made me look around in the first place, and I thank them for it tremendously.

A Disconnect

So lately, life has been.... baffling.  Nothing has changed all that much besides the way I view myself and the world around me, but that's enough to keep the wheels spinning and have me wondering, "what on earth am I doing here?"

I feel this way all the time from specifics to generalities.  Like, why am I here in this store?  Why am I in this city?  What am I doing on this planet?

These "why's" are constantly looming in my head lately and I just can't seem to shake them.

Sometimes it makes me feel so lost as if I'm having an identity crisis (and I may very well be).  Other times I find comfort in knowing that I haven't gotten too comfortable with life and am still asking important questions.  It seems like a key step in individual growth and progression.

I've felt variations of homesick in the past few months.  Trouble is, it's never for the same place, people, or circumstances.  I guess that happens when you're a modern day gypsy?  It always surprises me what I find myself missing, what my heart aches for.  So I headed back to Phoenix to attend a friend's wedding, but it was quite timely since I felt like I've been needing a fix.  It's nice to have familiarity upon arrival, but the more time that passes since we moved from here, the more it feels like the ruins of a life that once was.  Never have I felt more strongly about that as I do now.

Phoenix is a funny place for our little family of two.  It's really the only place we've both called home in our marriage.  Never before or since have we found a routine and people we love to surround ourselves with.  We miss it.  Leaving was probably the hardest point in our marriage and we both felt it on such personal levels.  I knew that time would break us, but it's odd realizing that you no longer belong in your own life.

The contrast between what was and what could have been to what actually is, is astonishing.  I don't see myself the same way I saw myself three years ago.  I don't have the same attitude, aspirations, and desires that I did back then.  And somehow.... it all seems tied to a place that I've really moved past, both emotionally and physically.  Being in this place and surrounded by these people (whom I still adore) reminds me of how much I really have changed.  Part of me wishes it weren't true because I only feel that way looking back.  I probably could have been happy here living a much different life then I will now end up with.  The other part of me is proud to know that my soul is a work in progress and it's ok to change my mind and be ever evolving.

My mindset has changed.  My goals have me moving in a different direction.  My aspirations are oh so different from what they once were.  But my heart is still filled with love and gratitude for the person I became in this place and the people who shared with me in life and love.  My journey has been enhanced by them.  My life has been more beautiful because of it.  I will forever be grateful for those things in the past that I feel so disconnected from in the present.

Taking Me by Surprise

So life has been marching on for us and I have so many mixed feelings about it.  Spending this past summer in New Jersey was one of the best times of my life.  The past two years have been a little rough for me and the Mr.  I know that people have much harder trials than we do, but they are tailored for us and they've really worn us down.  Luckily, our marriage is still standing strong.  So this summer was an even greater relief that when we were there, we were both there, and when we went somewhere, we both went.  Plus there was the benefit of having friends and family around and some sort of stability mixed with adventure- the perfect prescription for this clan.

Anyway, I've had a much harder time adapting after this past summer.  It's almost like I got a glimpse of what life once was like and what it could be like again someday.  At least.... I'm crossing my fingers.  My husband has been extremely busy since we left New Jersey.  He often works twelve or more hours a day and he is such a trooper about it.  Not to toot my own horn, but I think I've been a trooper as well.  While there's still plenty of joy to be had, our circumstances make everything seem like business.  When I talk to the Mr. it's usually about bills that need paid, chores that need done, what our schedules are like and if we can coordinate.  I know most people do this, but it's been pretty intense lately.

So, much of the time I have to just try and turn off my emotions.  I try not to let things bother me and I honestly avoid being disappointed because I know that what he is doing is all for the betterment of our family and our situation.  I love him for it.

But.... every once in a while it sneaks up on me.  Yesterday I met him for lunch before I headed to Phoenix for a wedding and he headed back to New Jersey (with twelve hours notice and no return flight).  I try to let him know what my plans are, but it's very hard to plan around him, so I try to keep myself busy.  And yes, I would have been gone during the next two weeks regardless, but as I kissed him goodbye, my heart sank.  I got in my car and burst into tears.

And yes, it surprised me.

Sometimes our lives look like all fun and games, but there are very lonely moments for us both.  I wouldn't necessarily change things, yet there are times when I wish that life were just a little bit easier.  This was one of those moments where all the intense emotions snuck up and just grabbed a hold of me.  I tried to shake it off quickly and only let myself cry for five or so minutes before I switched back to robot/survival mode.

Knowing he's in New Jersey is a little bit hard.  It feels like the safe haven we had to give up.  I just have to keep reminding myself that this too shall pass.

Keep Your Sugar

Recently we have moved back to Utah.  I dislike it here.  I have my reasons, but I'll leave it at that for now.  And yes, I am qualified to hate it because I grew up here.

I don't like sugar coating.  Unless your a child, you should hear things the way they are.  I'm not saying that people need to say mean or malicious things, but I do believe that honesty is the best policy, even when it's hard to bear.  Which leads me into the number one thing I hate about living here:  People who insult you while pretending to be nice.

The best and perfect example is when people use the term "bless her heart."  Or his heart, or their heart, or whatever.  Bleh.  Just stab them in the back why don't you.  People don't say it because they actually wish blessings on a person, and they use it as an excuse to say anything.  Such as, "She's such a husband stealing home wrecker, bless her heart."  Yeah, keep your ill fated "blessings" to yourself.  My heart is fine.  And if you're using it sarcastically to mock these people, then please, use it more.

Another backhanded compliment?  Using the term "dearest" if you're under the age of 65.  I think my grandmother is the only person in this world I have ever heard use this genuinely.  Otherwise, it's a precursor for a comment that is only meant to be condescending.  So, if you think you are better than everyone else, then by all means, use it frequently.  But I see right through you, so don't expect us to be friends.

These are not exclusive (nor are they mutually exclusive).  There are many ways to try and convince people that you are being nice but actually have ill intent.  If I dislike you, I will not try and be your friend, as a favor to you.  That is my promise.  I only ask that you do the same.

Being Smart

I love school.  I have always loved school.  I have always been the personality type that thrives on things that can be accurately measured- like grades.  For better or for worse, much of my self worth was always based on grades.  If I got an A in a class, that was a satisfactory way for me to measure my value.

Now I live in the real world, and since the days when I graduated college (voted Most Outstanding Student by faculty and with a 3.9 GPA) I have learned that schools in our country may not accurately measure anything.

Like many things in America, I truly believe we have a system in crisis.  What seemed to work fifty years ago has either been continually corrupted or for some other reason, just isn't going to cut it.  Take a walk with Google and just read about the astonishing numbers plaguing our future.

My husband and I share many opinions about the school system, but neither one of us has a solution.  From ourselves to our unborn children, we are constantly discussing the best way to get educated.  I would love to send our future children to private school, should we ever be able to afford it.  Ideally I'd like to live in another country and send them to an International School.  The husband is all about Monday through Friday boarding school after the age of ten.  We both agree that Chinese Immersion is probably best case scenario for the next generation.  While living in Phoenix there was much debate amongst parents about public vs. charter vs. private.  You could talk yourselves in circles for days.  And while I understand some of the arguments for public school, there is no way in hell I will ever send my children.  Why not?  I will give you three good reasons and I believe their value is strong enough to hold up my argument:

1- Kids are not created equally.  Forget kids; Humans are not created equally.  We put them in large groups of learning based on age and not skill.  It's a travesty.  Even a very well trained and educated teacher cannot be accurately prepared for this.  Here's a really sad story:  I have an eleven year old nephew who really struggles with school and he is one of the biggest reasons I don't want my kids in a public school.  Not because I don't love him or see his potential, but because no teacher and even his parents can barely cater to his needs, let alone teach 30+ more students at the same time.  It's just not possible and a very tragic, sad reality.  The worst part is that my sister would put him in a better school, but she's not his biological mom and doesn't get the final word.  Even if she did, I'm not sure they could afford it.

2- While charter and private schools categorize kids the exact same way as public schools, there is some exclusivity to the system.  Non- public schools would draw better teachers and less dead beat parents.  I have many friends that are teachers.  There are many that I respect a great deal and really see them change lives and bring people to crave learning.  But.... there are many who might as well be a greeter at Walmart.  I see some of them on facebook during their classes.  Even as young as Junior High I remember seeing some of my teachers as people who gave up on their dreams, or stayed for the retirement plan, or became a teacher because of the schedule.  I admire countries who pick the very best performers in their field, then offer to pay them MORE to share their knowledge.  Money is a big deal, both for teaching school and for attending it.  If America doesn't pay teachers well, they can only expect to get what they pay for.  And how much easier is it to get educated, or get your children educated, when money is not a concern?  It would make a world of difference in my life.  That I know for a fact.

3- A friend of mine recently argued to me that if she took her son out of charter school and into public school, he'd make better grades and get into a better college.  FALSE.  (You know who you are and I don't intend to offend).  Being smart is not about getting good grades.  In fact, it has nothing to do with it unfortunately.  Putting him in an easier system is only depriving him of the education he could have had and when it comes time to take the ACT, SAT, LSAT, MCAT, GMAT or otherwise, it will only hurt him.  Heaven forbid he get to a point like my nephew who passes every year just because the system allows him to move up a grade without the skills to do so.

I understand that different kids need different things.  My sister and I went to different schools at the same time.  Another sister was put in a Multiple Age Class (MAC) for a few years before skipping a grade.  My brother was held back when starting kindergarten so he could develop more appropriate social skills.  Everyone needs something different because everyone learns in a different way.  I feel like I learn much more by doing and while school is a great format for some subjects, I have learned many things by getting out into the world.  Would I say I have a great education?  No.  Why?  Because I was never encouraged to do so.  I was only encouraged to get good grades, and I did just that.  The thing is, as a person I'd rank at about a B+, but as a student I'm straight A's.  Which is all well and good in college, but out here in the real world I have to learn to readapt my expectations to what I am actually capable of or go get smarter.

I am grateful that we live in a technologically advanced time in which there are so many ways to learn.  I love using Khan Academy for multiple things and I do it for the sake of educational entertainment.  Best case scenario, I would get my kids educated outside of this crumbling country, but that may not be a reality and I will just have to do my best to ensure that I do my due diligence for them.

Being smart is definitely not about grades.  Grades have rewards of their own, but they are not an end all.  Many people have come to success after failing in school.  We truly need a learning revolution and I am so thankful that others have taken on the task full time.  If you have the time, I highly recommend these videos:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDZFcDGpL4U
http://www.ted.com/talks/ken_robinson_says_schools_kill_creativity.html

I love the quote, "We are now educating people out of their creative capacities."

For now, I will pass on my husband's advice for success, what he calls the three M's:
Math, Mandarin, and Marry rich!

Other than that.... good luck to us all.

Couple Friends

I'll be honest, after Junior High I didn't think it would be hard to make friends. By the end of high school I felt like I could be friends with anyone, college revolves around being social, and then when you get married and eventually have kids, you'll just be friends with the neighbors and add them to the retainer of friends you've collected over the years.

Ummmm.... or not so much.

Sometimes I think it's harder to make friends now than ever before. Mostly because I'm trying to make friends for two of us. I mean, I have plenty of friends that I enjoy by myself and so does my husband, but it's really difficult to find a couple that both of us really, really enjoy being with.  He'll make friends with a guy and try to coerce me into being friends with the wife, but it rarely works.  Or I'm friends with a woman and try to get him to hang out with the husband and he couldn't be less interested.  Ironically, he is very good friends with the guy friends I've brought into the marriage.  Weird.

Anyway, it's just hard to keep both parties socially satisfied when it comes to couple friends.  I really hope other people struggle with this.....

You know what else is the worst?  When an existing friend marries someone you are not a huge fan of. Yeah, that stinks.  In fact, I'd say this is one of the most common reasons it's hard to keep old friends.

I'd say it's a little more complicated for us being a childless couple too.  Many friends our age have children and if I go out with the ladies, there is no way the Mr. is spending the night with the other guys babysitting.  He refuses.  He'd rather spend the night alone.  I do admit that he's not the most comfortable human around children, so it makes sense, but it does complicate things a bit.  Particularly because I often spend time with women when their children are around.

I guess the thing is, it's so refreshing when you do find a couple that you both mesh with.  It makes me want to hang on to them much tighter.