Taking Me by Surprise

So life has been marching on for us and I have so many mixed feelings about it.  Spending this past summer in New Jersey was one of the best times of my life.  The past two years have been a little rough for me and the Mr.  I know that people have much harder trials than we do, but they are tailored for us and they've really worn us down.  Luckily, our marriage is still standing strong.  So this summer was an even greater relief that when we were there, we were both there, and when we went somewhere, we both went.  Plus there was the benefit of having friends and family around and some sort of stability mixed with adventure- the perfect prescription for this clan.

Anyway, I've had a much harder time adapting after this past summer.  It's almost like I got a glimpse of what life once was like and what it could be like again someday.  At least.... I'm crossing my fingers.  My husband has been extremely busy since we left New Jersey.  He often works twelve or more hours a day and he is such a trooper about it.  Not to toot my own horn, but I think I've been a trooper as well.  While there's still plenty of joy to be had, our circumstances make everything seem like business.  When I talk to the Mr. it's usually about bills that need paid, chores that need done, what our schedules are like and if we can coordinate.  I know most people do this, but it's been pretty intense lately.

So, much of the time I have to just try and turn off my emotions.  I try not to let things bother me and I honestly avoid being disappointed because I know that what he is doing is all for the betterment of our family and our situation.  I love him for it.

But.... every once in a while it sneaks up on me.  Yesterday I met him for lunch before I headed to Phoenix for a wedding and he headed back to New Jersey (with twelve hours notice and no return flight).  I try to let him know what my plans are, but it's very hard to plan around him, so I try to keep myself busy.  And yes, I would have been gone during the next two weeks regardless, but as I kissed him goodbye, my heart sank.  I got in my car and burst into tears.

And yes, it surprised me.

Sometimes our lives look like all fun and games, but there are very lonely moments for us both.  I wouldn't necessarily change things, yet there are times when I wish that life were just a little bit easier.  This was one of those moments where all the intense emotions snuck up and just grabbed a hold of me.  I tried to shake it off quickly and only let myself cry for five or so minutes before I switched back to robot/survival mode.

Knowing he's in New Jersey is a little bit hard.  It feels like the safe haven we had to give up.  I just have to keep reminding myself that this too shall pass.

Keep Your Sugar

Recently we have moved back to Utah.  I dislike it here.  I have my reasons, but I'll leave it at that for now.  And yes, I am qualified to hate it because I grew up here.

I don't like sugar coating.  Unless your a child, you should hear things the way they are.  I'm not saying that people need to say mean or malicious things, but I do believe that honesty is the best policy, even when it's hard to bear.  Which leads me into the number one thing I hate about living here:  People who insult you while pretending to be nice.

The best and perfect example is when people use the term "bless her heart."  Or his heart, or their heart, or whatever.  Bleh.  Just stab them in the back why don't you.  People don't say it because they actually wish blessings on a person, and they use it as an excuse to say anything.  Such as, "She's such a husband stealing home wrecker, bless her heart."  Yeah, keep your ill fated "blessings" to yourself.  My heart is fine.  And if you're using it sarcastically to mock these people, then please, use it more.

Another backhanded compliment?  Using the term "dearest" if you're under the age of 65.  I think my grandmother is the only person in this world I have ever heard use this genuinely.  Otherwise, it's a precursor for a comment that is only meant to be condescending.  So, if you think you are better than everyone else, then by all means, use it frequently.  But I see right through you, so don't expect us to be friends.

These are not exclusive (nor are they mutually exclusive).  There are many ways to try and convince people that you are being nice but actually have ill intent.  If I dislike you, I will not try and be your friend, as a favor to you.  That is my promise.  I only ask that you do the same.

Being Smart

I love school.  I have always loved school.  I have always been the personality type that thrives on things that can be accurately measured- like grades.  For better or for worse, much of my self worth was always based on grades.  If I got an A in a class, that was a satisfactory way for me to measure my value.

Now I live in the real world, and since the days when I graduated college (voted Most Outstanding Student by faculty and with a 3.9 GPA) I have learned that schools in our country may not accurately measure anything.

Like many things in America, I truly believe we have a system in crisis.  What seemed to work fifty years ago has either been continually corrupted or for some other reason, just isn't going to cut it.  Take a walk with Google and just read about the astonishing numbers plaguing our future.

My husband and I share many opinions about the school system, but neither one of us has a solution.  From ourselves to our unborn children, we are constantly discussing the best way to get educated.  I would love to send our future children to private school, should we ever be able to afford it.  Ideally I'd like to live in another country and send them to an International School.  The husband is all about Monday through Friday boarding school after the age of ten.  We both agree that Chinese Immersion is probably best case scenario for the next generation.  While living in Phoenix there was much debate amongst parents about public vs. charter vs. private.  You could talk yourselves in circles for days.  And while I understand some of the arguments for public school, there is no way in hell I will ever send my children.  Why not?  I will give you three good reasons and I believe their value is strong enough to hold up my argument:

1- Kids are not created equally.  Forget kids; Humans are not created equally.  We put them in large groups of learning based on age and not skill.  It's a travesty.  Even a very well trained and educated teacher cannot be accurately prepared for this.  Here's a really sad story:  I have an eleven year old nephew who really struggles with school and he is one of the biggest reasons I don't want my kids in a public school.  Not because I don't love him or see his potential, but because no teacher and even his parents can barely cater to his needs, let alone teach 30+ more students at the same time.  It's just not possible and a very tragic, sad reality.  The worst part is that my sister would put him in a better school, but she's not his biological mom and doesn't get the final word.  Even if she did, I'm not sure they could afford it.

2- While charter and private schools categorize kids the exact same way as public schools, there is some exclusivity to the system.  Non- public schools would draw better teachers and less dead beat parents.  I have many friends that are teachers.  There are many that I respect a great deal and really see them change lives and bring people to crave learning.  But.... there are many who might as well be a greeter at Walmart.  I see some of them on facebook during their classes.  Even as young as Junior High I remember seeing some of my teachers as people who gave up on their dreams, or stayed for the retirement plan, or became a teacher because of the schedule.  I admire countries who pick the very best performers in their field, then offer to pay them MORE to share their knowledge.  Money is a big deal, both for teaching school and for attending it.  If America doesn't pay teachers well, they can only expect to get what they pay for.  And how much easier is it to get educated, or get your children educated, when money is not a concern?  It would make a world of difference in my life.  That I know for a fact.

3- A friend of mine recently argued to me that if she took her son out of charter school and into public school, he'd make better grades and get into a better college.  FALSE.  (You know who you are and I don't intend to offend).  Being smart is not about getting good grades.  In fact, it has nothing to do with it unfortunately.  Putting him in an easier system is only depriving him of the education he could have had and when it comes time to take the ACT, SAT, LSAT, MCAT, GMAT or otherwise, it will only hurt him.  Heaven forbid he get to a point like my nephew who passes every year just because the system allows him to move up a grade without the skills to do so.

I understand that different kids need different things.  My sister and I went to different schools at the same time.  Another sister was put in a Multiple Age Class (MAC) for a few years before skipping a grade.  My brother was held back when starting kindergarten so he could develop more appropriate social skills.  Everyone needs something different because everyone learns in a different way.  I feel like I learn much more by doing and while school is a great format for some subjects, I have learned many things by getting out into the world.  Would I say I have a great education?  No.  Why?  Because I was never encouraged to do so.  I was only encouraged to get good grades, and I did just that.  The thing is, as a person I'd rank at about a B+, but as a student I'm straight A's.  Which is all well and good in college, but out here in the real world I have to learn to readapt my expectations to what I am actually capable of or go get smarter.

I am grateful that we live in a technologically advanced time in which there are so many ways to learn.  I love using Khan Academy for multiple things and I do it for the sake of educational entertainment.  Best case scenario, I would get my kids educated outside of this crumbling country, but that may not be a reality and I will just have to do my best to ensure that I do my due diligence for them.

Being smart is definitely not about grades.  Grades have rewards of their own, but they are not an end all.  Many people have come to success after failing in school.  We truly need a learning revolution and I am so thankful that others have taken on the task full time.  If you have the time, I highly recommend these videos:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDZFcDGpL4U
http://www.ted.com/talks/ken_robinson_says_schools_kill_creativity.html

I love the quote, "We are now educating people out of their creative capacities."

For now, I will pass on my husband's advice for success, what he calls the three M's:
Math, Mandarin, and Marry rich!

Other than that.... good luck to us all.

Couple Friends

I'll be honest, after Junior High I didn't think it would be hard to make friends. By the end of high school I felt like I could be friends with anyone, college revolves around being social, and then when you get married and eventually have kids, you'll just be friends with the neighbors and add them to the retainer of friends you've collected over the years.

Ummmm.... or not so much.

Sometimes I think it's harder to make friends now than ever before. Mostly because I'm trying to make friends for two of us. I mean, I have plenty of friends that I enjoy by myself and so does my husband, but it's really difficult to find a couple that both of us really, really enjoy being with.  He'll make friends with a guy and try to coerce me into being friends with the wife, but it rarely works.  Or I'm friends with a woman and try to get him to hang out with the husband and he couldn't be less interested.  Ironically, he is very good friends with the guy friends I've brought into the marriage.  Weird.

Anyway, it's just hard to keep both parties socially satisfied when it comes to couple friends.  I really hope other people struggle with this.....

You know what else is the worst?  When an existing friend marries someone you are not a huge fan of. Yeah, that stinks.  In fact, I'd say this is one of the most common reasons it's hard to keep old friends.

I'd say it's a little more complicated for us being a childless couple too.  Many friends our age have children and if I go out with the ladies, there is no way the Mr. is spending the night with the other guys babysitting.  He refuses.  He'd rather spend the night alone.  I do admit that he's not the most comfortable human around children, so it makes sense, but it does complicate things a bit.  Particularly because I often spend time with women when their children are around.

I guess the thing is, it's so refreshing when you do find a couple that you both mesh with.  It makes me want to hang on to them much tighter.

My Love for Florida

While thinking about my relationship with New York, I couldn't help but think about Florida- my first true love.

Florida for me is much different than my relationship with New York. I still had a defining moment in my childhood, when I was nine, where I vividly remember thinking, "I'm going to live here someday." So in that way, it's the same.

When I moved to Florida at age 19 (barely), I had only visited twice. Both of which I loved and felt a strong pull to live there. Within a very short amount of time after moving there, it really touched my soul. It just spoke to me. Am I crazy? Does this happen to other people? Well, regardless of whether this happens to other people or not, I know what happened to me. The best way to describe it is that I just found myself there. Almost as if I had been living my whole life waiting to find it. It's where I truly grew up on my own and became my own person, and the best version of myself I could be.

I know for many people they say their missions were like this. I'm sure for some it happens regardless of location. Even though I grew up on the other side of the country, this feels more like "home" than any other place I've ever been. Still, Florida is it for me. It's not only what I love, but who I am.

I Heart NY

After spending the summer out east with one of my favorite cities, I can't help but think how our relationship has grown over the years. Some places are just places, but I truly believe that others grow with the same kind of dynamics as human relationships. Perhaps they are just internal realizations as we change through the years. Whatever the reason, New York is one of those places for me.

This one started early. I was just a young child when I remember asking my mom, "Why is everything in New York?" This was in the days before the internet and any contest you entered or correspondence was through snail mail to New York. She told me it was because a lot of companies were based there, and while I didn't understand quite what that meant at the time, I knew I wanted to go there.

When I was nine my parents took a trip to New York. It wasn't their first but they didn't make a habit of going. I was thrilled for them and when they returned we asked anxiously what it was like to which they responded, "Eh. If I get back there in the next ten years that might be too soon." This was in 1991 during the pre-Juliani, Ninja Turtles in the subway, violence and prostitute laden years.

However, they did return and only seven years later with the whole family. I was sixteen at the time and while I was still burdened by high school life, I knew that in a few short years the world was mine. My parents had instilled a proper fear in us before we arrived so as not to lose any of us and be on our guard. We were driving into the city from upstate New York and as we pulled into Manhattan I was wide eyed and amazed. It was just like the movies! It was honestly like nothing I had ever seen before in my life. Growing up in Salt Lake, Vegas and Los Angeles were the biggest cities I had really ever seen. The scale of it was so much bigger than I had imagined and I just wanted to take it all in. We checked into the Marriott Marquis in Times Square and I remember thinking how small our rooms were- in such a big city! Makes perfect sense to me now. We walked out late that night to have dinner, all of us cautiously holding hands and being nervous about the late night company on the streets.

The next morning everything changed. By the time we were having lunch we had stopped holding hands and started getting a little more comfortable. We did the sight seeing thing and had the greatest time ever. My sister and I still talk about that trip and all the shenanigans that took place. I remember the first time I said to myself, "I want to live here. I have to live here!"

I told everyone I knew that New York was the greatest place ever. The city had been very much cleaned up and was quite charming. The summer after high school my dad had work there and took me with him. We had a great time staying at the World Trade Center Marriott (lost only a short year later), and seeing the sights. On the days he had to work he'd say "Have fun, go find something interesting to do." By myself!? Yes, by myself, and that's the way I've enjoyed it most ever since. I didn't dare ride the subway by myself but I did a lot of walking and I loved exploring.

A year and a half later I was well into college. I had friends living there and planned to go whenever possible. I got comfortable using the subway on my own and got to experience New York in ways that I only hope to be able to again someday. While living in Florida I took advantage of the post September 11 cheap flights and went on numerous occasions.

The real kicker was my 21st birthday trip. With my two best friends in tow, and a handful of others meeting us there, I had the best vacation and birthday! It was everything I dreamed it would be, not to mention it was Christmas time which made it that much more magical. Up to that point it felt like New York and I had been dating and suddenly I was in love.

The first time I actually moved there I was approaching 22 and became a nanny for a family whom I love and adore. Every weekend was spent in the city (again Christmas time). I saw the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and spent New Year's Eve in Times Square. I was kind of a super tourist.

By the time I was married, we set out for our first summer in New York. We lived in Queens and my New York world expanded greatly. My husband's father was concerned that we'd be living there only to find out his last time visiting was in 1982. That was truly the summer I became more of a local than a tourist.

Since then, we have lived in or around the city a handful of times. I am always thrilled when it works out for us to go there. I had a friend living there not long ago and heard someone say to her, "I know it seems glamourous but I'm sure sometimes it's a real bear." So true. That is New York in summary.

There was a time (and still are times) when I could see myself living in an apartment and enjoying the amenities of the city forever. I wouldn't even have minded raising kids there. The city has so much to offer and I truly think that America only has three "cities": New York, Chicago, and San Francisco. Of which New York is clearly the superior. I remember my dad saying to me on our trip so many years ago, "I can understand how people crave the city living, but I surely can't relate to it." All I could think was a heartfelt, love struck, "I can."

I really feel like my love for the city peaked about four years ago. I just felt like we were marching to the same beat, almost like we belonged to each other, a perfect match. Now, I feel like it's a more comfortable marriage, we have our moments, but love each other just the same. Every time we move or say goodbye, my heart breaks just a little. It's like saying goodbye to a cherished friend that you always miss.

I have so many great, great memories that have taken place there. Many important life moments have occurred, friendships have been made, and experiences have been had. I look back and think that New York is such a big part of me and always will be. I'm so grateful for that and feel sad for those who have missed out.

I have my days where New York pisses me off. It stinks, it's crowded, it's cold, it's hot, it's hard to find a bathroom, the trash is lying on the street, etc. But the charm of the city will always surpass it's shortcomings. I hate to think that I might see the day where the city turns once again to it's crime infested past or will no longer be such an influential part of my life. Until then, I will soak in as much as I possibly can.

Goodbye Summer

Summer is essentially over for us. Back to the grind and the boredom. Fortunately for any straggling readers out there, boredom turns me to blogging.