Left Behind

I was the oldest child in my family growing up. My mom tells about when I started first grade and I was in school all day instead of half day. Her and my two younger sisters came to pick me up at the bus stop my first day after school. One of them had a Happy Meal toy from McDonald's and it must have upset me because my mom said I burst into tears and sobbed, "You went to McDonald's without me?!" She said she felt kind of bad. After all, it was a special occasion to go to McDonald's with our neighbors across the street for lunch and one I looked forward to. We usually went to Hardee's because McDonald's was "too expensive" for us back then, so we really knew that it was a splurge. But then my mom said she realized that missing out on some things was just part of growing up. She realized it was impractical for her to wait for me to be around to do any kind of fun activity. She said, "sometimes you'll just have to miss out."

Ouch. I guess that must have been my first dose of reality and boy how it must have sucked. Although I don't remember this event with perfect clarity, I have thought about it frequently. In some ways this story has helped and in others it just continues to remind me of how unfair life can be.

A good example:

I moved away from home right after high school. I didn't just move a few hours away, I moved ALL the way across the country. It was thrilling and challenging and everything I hoped it would be. I was literally having the time of my life, but it was hard in the beginning when there would be a cousin getting married or a baby shower or something else. There was always talk about what I would and wouldn't be able to fly home for (which wasn't much). All the traditional things we attended growing up were now out of my reach- my family was going to McDonald's without me. Then I realized that I wasn't really missing out. I loved where I was and I was having a lot more fun than I could have had living near my parents. The price for that came with missing out on some things and it actually was okay. Nowadays I have grown up siblings that miss out too, so it's not even a big deal anymore. It is what it is. That was my realization that there is something better out there than McDonalds (big breakthrough)!

Two bad examples:

I imagine my heartbroken self standing there without my Happy Meal toy at age 6 and can't help but know that I have felt that exact same way. I can think of 2 blaring examples.

I was 21. I had a job that I loved and that is an understatement. My contract at that job was nearly up and although I had the opportunity to extend, LIFE was calling. I had such an internal battle over this one and to this day it continues to be the do-over I'd take. Anyway, I packed up my car and as we pulled out that last morning my mom said, "Isn't it weird to think that someone is up this morning doing your job?" Thanks mom. I was totally replaceable! I hated feeling that way. It made me feel so un-special. So expendable. So worthless. Life was once again going on without me- it made no difference whether I participated or not. That was truly awful.

The second is very recent. After struggling with being a student trying to finish school so that I could move on with life, then being a young married, childless woman trying to find a place to fit in- I had finally found a home. In our last house I felt comfortable and grateful and surrounded by good friends and company regardless of differing circumstances. Then LIFE happened again, keeping us on our toes, losing a job, losing our house, and moving us to another city. It's lonely, but that's okay- nothing we haven't managed before. The hurtful part is how life back at the old place goes on without us. Sometimes it feels as though we were temporary observers in that world. Sometimes I feel like we weren't really there because they don't really need us. And the truth is that they don't.

So, I guess the underlying problem in me is that I want to feel like I belong, like I am special, like life is better when I am around, and that someone somewhere actually needs me. Not in an arrogant way- just in a wanting to belong way. I guess I haven't found that yet....