Like Sand Through a Sieve

Nine years ago I became a nanny for a short time.  I was temporarily filling in as a relief nanny when, since my sister (the former nanny) left, the family had a hard time replacing her.  My time was numbered in months, but I have so many cherished memories and unexpected emotions from living with such a sweet family (verdict is out on whether I'd have labeled them such at the time).

The kids- E, B, and S- were nine, seven, and four respectively.  I turned 22 while living with them and in a bit of a life rut.  I remember the mother joking about doing some soul searching and said, "I hope that's not what you're trying to do here."  It was never what I had in mind and I didn't plan for it, but I've realized my time there has reaped all it's rewards in long term benefits.

I know that this family would never embrace me the way they did my sister.  She was adored by them in every possible way and I had no intentions of living up to that.  Still, there was a sweetness they conveyed to me through their affection for her.  I also found it valuable in my relationship with my sister, which had always been a little rocky, that they loved her so deeply.

There are many horror stories to be told from the nanny diaries, but I was very lucky in the way they treated me.  Socially I always knew where I stood at any given moment and for 99% of the time, that was as a family friend and not "the help."  I loved those kids and grew so affectionate for them in such a brief time.  I don't think it was merely a matter of circumstances.

I've had the sheer pleasure of keeping in touch with them, sharing weddings, Bar/Bat Mitvahs, birthdays, and casual meals when passing through town (working both ways).  But tonight I find myself in their home, spending ten days with E while the rest of the family is away.  As you surely understand, E is no longer a child in need of care, but a beautiful young woman headed to Harvard in a matter of weeks.  I'm here mainly for the sake of company on both our parts.  We enjoyed a really nice evening together and I'm excited to get to share more of that over the next week or so.  Although it's not the first time it's happened regarding them, I can't help but feel sentimental.

I never enjoyed Mary Poppins as a child, but as an adult I adore it.  It makes me tear up nearly every time I watch it now.  I'm not claiming to be any kind of magic worker like Mary Poppins or anything, but I think I can relate to her in sharing joy from watching a family grow together and succeed.

As a nanny you often feel like a puppet, doing a job by someone else's command.  I'd often lie in bed at night and wonder what kind of relationship my sister and I would have with these kids in the future (if any).  It was hard for me to imagine interacting with them as adults.  As they have become just that, I marvel at the wonderful people they are becoming.  I can't emphasize how miniscule my role was in their lives, but I still feel such great joy thinking that I may have been a part of it.

As the past ten years have literally flown by, they have grown into these amazing people.  I feel like those children are shadows of the greatness they are today, and yet by comparison I feel so unchanged.  I feel a pang of tenderness as I think of all the time that has passed, all while feeling like it's stood still.

I've felt an astute awareness of the passing of time lately, and I can't help but think of Bert's words to Mr. Banks near the conclusion of Mary Poppins:


You've got to grind, grind, grind at that grindstone... Though childhood slips like sand through a sieve... And all too soon they've up and grown, and then they've flown... And it's too late for you to give


It's bittersweet.  Fortunately I've been able to have this feeling before having my own children and I surely don't intend on letting it pass me by.