The Things We Go Without

I have a friend named Sammi who adopted a baby girl almost 5 years ago- my sister's baby to be exact. We have been so blessed to stay in touch with this family and even be friends with them. We go out to dinner with them or even babysit from time to time, so it was not unusual for this family to be at my sister's wedding (this was almost 4 years ago). My best friend Britney was there as well and we were getting some pictures taken with various friends. Britney was pregnant with her second child at the time and expressed her desire to not be in any pictures because of her awkward, pregnant state. That's when Sammi chimed in and snapped, "Hey, there's a lot of people that would love to be in your situation." Being pregnant, that is. Having never had the opportunity, you could see where she was coming from.

The thing is, my sympathies have always gone out to this family. Even when my sister was giving up her child I knew that she couldn't provide the proper life for her and I could almost feel the heartbreak of this couple who were unable to bear their own children and wanted them so badly. I just knew it was the right thing to do. It has been such a blessing to everyone involved. This couple now has another daughter and my sister is happily married with 2.5 kids of her own.

I give the background only because I think I realized even then that I would feel more similarities to Sammi's position in my own life. My husband and I have been married for 5.5 years now. We chose to wait to have children, so for that I take responsibility. I wanted to finish school, and I wanted my husband to finish school. I wanted to feel like I could handle the responsibility of having a baby and have a home to raise it in. I wanted a cute little nursery and an ideal life for this child. Then doomsday came 2.5 years ago- my chronic illness that had been in remission for 8 years came back with a vengeance. Drugs, fatigue, and doctors were all part of the everyday routine again- along with the restriction of not being able to get pregnant.

I'm finally at a point where it's getting hard. Both my sisters have a baby on the way this year and being the oldest, it's a little strange to not be in the same life phase as they are. I want babies for sure, but even more it hurts not to share that with them. I'm a big believer that they will come when the time is right, but what do I do in the meantime? I am thankfully blessed with a rich and rewarding marriage to a husband without whom I would surely lose my way. Even though with every passing year I feel like I drift further away from my original family, I become closer and closer to the man I love. Life is turning out to be very different from the way I pictured it would be, but it is still filled with so many good things regardless of some voids that I someday hope to fill.