Getting Married Young

I'm pushing 30. Yeah, I said it. And no one can convince me that I'm "not that old." I know it's a big one coming up and to be quite frank, it scares me. I feel like I was just in high school..... that was just barely, wasn't it?

Now, I've been married for 6 years. You can't even count that on one hand. Now as all my "older" single friends are buying rings and tying the knot, I can't help but feel a twinge of jealousy. Suddenly, all the friends we pitied and thought might never find "the one" have done it! And all on their own terms.

I don't regret getting married. I don't. If there is one thing that's been good for me in this life, it's my husband. But, I can't shirk the feeling that we were SOOO young and what did we know anyway? Nothing. That's exactly what we knew.

Being Mormon, the pressure was on at age 22. Especially from my mother and heaven forbid you turn 25 and not be married! Luckily, I found a good one at the time, but what if I hadn't? Let's see.... I would have eventually told my mother off, traveled the world, and squeezed in some extra school! All to get married happily just a few short years later and still with plenty of time to spare:)

I guess a lot of babies who get married have babies. My sister and bestie are prime examples. They are 26 and 28 respectively with 3 little ones each at home. But, I don't- so here I am pushing 30 with really nothing more to show for it than my single friends who are just now getting married.

I guess I also feel guilty because the hubby really never did all those things. I feel like I stole that time away from him even though he consistently tries to convince me that that's the way he'd have it anyway. I'm not so sure. I think it's definitely brought some challenges into our marriage.

I am glad for the time we've had to grow together.... but sometimes I just wonder what it would be like to have waited a little bit longer.

I'm not a phone person

Yeahhhhh.....

I just don't like to talk on the phone. That's it. It's pretty simple.

True I've been known to carry hour long phone conversations in the past, but they really are rare. And they usually occur with a handful of the same people. My mother being one and half the time I'm trying to get off the phone with her.

I like to have a good conversation, but it takes a lot for me to pick up and call someone. The hubby is bothering me about this all the time. He says I'm gonna lose all my friends and deserve to if I don't pick up the phone once in a while. I'm just not really that comfortable with it. I'd much rather see people face to face, although I realize that's not usually possible.

The second half of my phone phobia is not picking up the phone. Sometimes I just don't feel like chatting. It's nothing against anyone personally. It's just the weirdness inside me. Especially if it's a number I don't recognize. Why? I never answer those!

I must say that I definitely don't like to pick up the phone when I am spending my time with other people. I think the people I am with deserve to be with me. I generally try to turn my phone off or just not answer it if I am in the middle of something. I think part of the reason is because my hubby always answers the phone. I get it sometimes because I know he has to take work calls most of the time. But then it just grows exponentially from there. I guess after too many occasions wishing he was spending the time with me instead of on the phone has really pestered me all these years. If I were single, I would die if a man answered his phone on a date! In rare instances it might be ok, but only for brief conversations lasting less than 2 min tops.

Then there's the way people talk on the phone- sometimes as if no one else can hear them! It's amazing what you can overhear, and let's be honest, I'm just a pretty private person. I don't want random strangers or even other friends or family listening in on all my conversations.

Cell phones can be great, but they really only make the problem worse. So to any friends out there- call me! I may answer, but if I don't it's nothing personal. And I'm sorry I don't call you. It's just the way I am.

Making "Plans"

So, I'm a type A personality, no doubt. I like to think about things for a long time and plan them out in advance. I like to make all kinds of plans- day plans, weekend plans, year plans, life plans. It's just who I am. But, the thing about making plans is that they never really turn out!

I stay pretty flexible when the plan changes and in the past few years I've even ventured to embark into unplanned territory and just try my hand at going with the flow. It's been nice to just GO. Still, I never seem to accomplish much without a plan, so I still much prefer having one.

Recently, no plans really seem to work out. So my new plan is to have no plan. Can you plan to have no plan? I don't know, but I'm doing it anyway.

Pity Party

Just give me a moment in time to have a break down- and when I'm done I promise I'll move on.

We've been gone almost one year now. Out of sight, out of mind continues to prove it's infinite truth. People move on. Only we really haven't. We're stuck in limbo. Which makes the detach even harder. No new life, no new friends.

So- to 6 more months and then a brand new life. Free of all the things that held us back or tied us down and on to things that will take us someplace. Hopefully someplace, this time, that we really want to be a part of.

Goodbye. Delayed and finally.

"We have more similarities than differences"

I had a high school teacher who told us this all the time. He was a general encourager of people to overcome labels, bias', racism, and rifts. Although he didn't always make the strongest argument, I can at least see where he was trying to go with this.

My brother is the perfect example. He never sees anyone for more than just human. He doesn't let gender intimidate him, he doesn't let age affect his friendships, and he would never not love someone for how they look or act.

When he was in kindergarten, I was in high school. One afternoon my mom asked me to go pick him up. After he showed me his classroom and desk he strapped on his huge backpack that hit against his calves when he walked. As I walked him out of the school we passed some of his little kindergartner friends in the hall. Not one passed without him saying, "Hey Josh!" or "See you tomorrow, Zack!" He has always been the friendliest kid you've ever known. So then we pass the janitor and he yells out, "Have a good night, Ed!" and Ed responds, "See ya T!" It was so funny! But even more than funny, it was admirable. The kid had only been in school for two or three weeks and he already knew everybody there!

He's continued to be like this his whole 20 years of life. Parents will bring their small children over while visiting with my mom and the kids will ask, "Where's T?" It's so cute.

I really admire that quality. I wish I were more like that and strive to be the more I find friendships in unlikely places. I guess it's true that we really have enough similarities to overcome our differences.

Just Saying....

1- I think maternity photo shoots should be outlawed. Or people should at least be required to wear clothing and not show their naked, ginormous, stretch-marked bellies. It's just not right.

2- Twilight is ridiculous. I tried to get into it- I started with the first dreadful book and after wanting to claw my eyes out, just couldn't pick up another. Then I saw all three movies, mainly out of an effort to not be a social outcast. Turns out- I still hate it. What the hell do people love about this anyway? Am I just incapable of grasping this whole concept? Spare me.

3- I find great pleasure in the fact that July is already here. This year has not been the best (ahem.... one of the worst) and the sooner it ends for me, the better. Some years are just like that. 2003 and 2007 to name a couple.

4- My hubby has really stepped up his game in school. It's like the big happy surprise of the year and I once again think he may graduate in December. I dare not even hope so hard....

5- Regardless of the dullness of the summer, I do have a few things to look forward to: a bridal shower, a double baby shower, a baby blessing, my nephew's 3rd birthday party, and possibly a travel venture in the future, which is still uncertain at this point. Still, things to participate in are always nice.

6- I really miss my friends. Still. Especially a handful of them in particular. I wish I had the power to coordinate a girls trip. Alas, I do not.

Feelings of Inadequacy

I basically feel inadequate in everything I do.

Inadequate daughter.

Inadequate wife.

Inadequate grown-up.

Inadequate person.

And the list goes on.

I just don't understand how people have it so together and I feel so out of control? It may not seem so from my even temper, but I am a stress master rolled up into this little human body that suffers greatly for it. I just feel like no matter what I do, I can never seem to get it together.

I feel alienated from my family, perhaps only by fault of my own. Still, whatever caused it isn't going to change and it doesn't seem to bother any of them in the least. On top of that I feel like a paramount disappointment to my parents. All the things I hoped to turn out to be and make them proud have failed miserably.

My husband is a great guy. Truthfully, he is. Still, I am constantly feeling like I don't live up to his expectations which I am sure is only mirrored by the fact that I feel the same way about him. I feel like when things aren't perfect or I need to take a time out for a minor (or major) breakdown, he just can't deal with it. His not getting along with my mom also makes it hard to balance between the two. I can't stand being with both of them at the same time because I am having to absorb eye rolls in every direction.

I somehow missed the college 101 course on transitioning to adulthood. I just plain suck at it. Where do people get all these ideas to become these great performing, social, well adjusted and accomplished human beings? I am none of the above. I have no confidence in myself which translates to horrible self esteem and lack of enthusiasm for life. Sure I have my moments, but they consist of very high highs and very low lows.

I just feel like a disappointment to everyone. Sure I have a few talents, but thus far have proved absolutely worthless. The thing is... I want to change. I just don't even know where to begin.