Pity Party

Just give me a moment in time to have a break down- and when I'm done I promise I'll move on.

We've been gone almost one year now. Out of sight, out of mind continues to prove it's infinite truth. People move on. Only we really haven't. We're stuck in limbo. Which makes the detach even harder. No new life, no new friends.

So- to 6 more months and then a brand new life. Free of all the things that held us back or tied us down and on to things that will take us someplace. Hopefully someplace, this time, that we really want to be a part of.

Goodbye. Delayed and finally.

"We have more similarities than differences"

I had a high school teacher who told us this all the time. He was a general encourager of people to overcome labels, bias', racism, and rifts. Although he didn't always make the strongest argument, I can at least see where he was trying to go with this.

My brother is the perfect example. He never sees anyone for more than just human. He doesn't let gender intimidate him, he doesn't let age affect his friendships, and he would never not love someone for how they look or act.

When he was in kindergarten, I was in high school. One afternoon my mom asked me to go pick him up. After he showed me his classroom and desk he strapped on his huge backpack that hit against his calves when he walked. As I walked him out of the school we passed some of his little kindergartner friends in the hall. Not one passed without him saying, "Hey Josh!" or "See you tomorrow, Zack!" He has always been the friendliest kid you've ever known. So then we pass the janitor and he yells out, "Have a good night, Ed!" and Ed responds, "See ya T!" It was so funny! But even more than funny, it was admirable. The kid had only been in school for two or three weeks and he already knew everybody there!

He's continued to be like this his whole 20 years of life. Parents will bring their small children over while visiting with my mom and the kids will ask, "Where's T?" It's so cute.

I really admire that quality. I wish I were more like that and strive to be the more I find friendships in unlikely places. I guess it's true that we really have enough similarities to overcome our differences.

Just Saying....

1- I think maternity photo shoots should be outlawed. Or people should at least be required to wear clothing and not show their naked, ginormous, stretch-marked bellies. It's just not right.

2- Twilight is ridiculous. I tried to get into it- I started with the first dreadful book and after wanting to claw my eyes out, just couldn't pick up another. Then I saw all three movies, mainly out of an effort to not be a social outcast. Turns out- I still hate it. What the hell do people love about this anyway? Am I just incapable of grasping this whole concept? Spare me.

3- I find great pleasure in the fact that July is already here. This year has not been the best (ahem.... one of the worst) and the sooner it ends for me, the better. Some years are just like that. 2003 and 2007 to name a couple.

4- My hubby has really stepped up his game in school. It's like the big happy surprise of the year and I once again think he may graduate in December. I dare not even hope so hard....

5- Regardless of the dullness of the summer, I do have a few things to look forward to: a bridal shower, a double baby shower, a baby blessing, my nephew's 3rd birthday party, and possibly a travel venture in the future, which is still uncertain at this point. Still, things to participate in are always nice.

6- I really miss my friends. Still. Especially a handful of them in particular. I wish I had the power to coordinate a girls trip. Alas, I do not.

Feelings of Inadequacy

I basically feel inadequate in everything I do.

Inadequate daughter.

Inadequate wife.

Inadequate grown-up.

Inadequate person.

And the list goes on.

I just don't understand how people have it so together and I feel so out of control? It may not seem so from my even temper, but I am a stress master rolled up into this little human body that suffers greatly for it. I just feel like no matter what I do, I can never seem to get it together.

I feel alienated from my family, perhaps only by fault of my own. Still, whatever caused it isn't going to change and it doesn't seem to bother any of them in the least. On top of that I feel like a paramount disappointment to my parents. All the things I hoped to turn out to be and make them proud have failed miserably.

My husband is a great guy. Truthfully, he is. Still, I am constantly feeling like I don't live up to his expectations which I am sure is only mirrored by the fact that I feel the same way about him. I feel like when things aren't perfect or I need to take a time out for a minor (or major) breakdown, he just can't deal with it. His not getting along with my mom also makes it hard to balance between the two. I can't stand being with both of them at the same time because I am having to absorb eye rolls in every direction.

I somehow missed the college 101 course on transitioning to adulthood. I just plain suck at it. Where do people get all these ideas to become these great performing, social, well adjusted and accomplished human beings? I am none of the above. I have no confidence in myself which translates to horrible self esteem and lack of enthusiasm for life. Sure I have my moments, but they consist of very high highs and very low lows.

I just feel like a disappointment to everyone. Sure I have a few talents, but thus far have proved absolutely worthless. The thing is... I want to change. I just don't even know where to begin.

10 Things

Today I had to go to Walmart to get my tires rotated and balanced. Here are the handful of things that crossed my mind:

1- Why is it that I can go into a store and almost always take nearly an hour or more, but when you have to do it (because you're waiting for your car) it seems like such a long time?

2- I wandered over to the books, looked through some and read part of some. I've always thought that an author's name should never be bigger than the title of the book. It's egotistical and tells you nothing about the story.

3- Have you ever noticed the treasures and odd ends you can find when your not looking for anything and just browsing? Today I found a Michael Jackson Thriller tote on sale for $2. You better believe I bought it! I'll use it for a while before it makes a grand appearance as a white elephant gift.

4- I started to get hungry but I couldn't really get any groceries since I'm leaving town. I just hate throwing out large amount of good food. It's like money right down the drain.

5- Polygamists are a mystery to me. It's so strange that I'm getting used to them and still sad we didn't have a sighting when my in-laws were in town. It's like seeing something make-believe is really real.

6- I wandered through the seasonal section that was loaded with pool toys. It really made me miss Phoenix- summer nights with good food, friends, and swimming in the backyard. I do hope we have a pool again someday. On the same note, I hope we have friends again someday.

7- I started thinking about all the things I need to get done before I leave tomorrow. Then started getting antsy about aimlessly wandering around Walmart. Time for the stress to settle in!

8- Tried some Pretzel M&M's for the first time. They've got to be my favorite! So, so yummy and 30% healthier than other M&M's (if there is any scenario in which you can classify them as healthy). I hope they don't disappear on me. The other day I saw a Mr. Goodbar in the gas station and I've been craving one ever since- can't find one. I also really miss the chewy Jolly Ranchers. Why is some of the best candy impossible to find?

9- I realized my car also needs a new wiper blade, but they didn't have it. My car has 98,500 miles on it right now. I'm about to take the great big depreciation hit! I'd be more nervous, but I'm gonna drive that thing into the ground, I love it so much.

10- Why do car services always cost more than you plan for? Ugh.

A Little Bit of Heaven

In Primary, when I was very young, we had a lesson on thinking about Jesus during the sacrament. For some reason, I've always remembered it. The teacher stressed that even though it's hard for kids to stay focused on Jesus, it's also very hard for adults to do the same. She said they had to think about work, what's for dinner, keeping kids calm and quiet, changing diapers, running errands, and on and on. I agreed that adults had a lot on their minds, but thought it couldn't possibly be that hard for them to stay concentrated for 10 minutes or so.

Then I grew up and it is as hard as she said it was all those years ago. Only now, we have even more distractions. Phones and electronics keep us entertained (because heaven forbid we go 5 minutes without that). Generally, I've tried to make a good effort towards reverence and thinking about Christ during the sacrament, but I often fail or find my mind wandering.

I remember sometime around my mission I was in some sort of class taking a personal spiritual inventory. One of the questions read, "Do you think about the Savior daily?" Of course I think about the Savior daily! How could there ever be a time in my life where that could escape me? Well- that time is now. I am embarrassed to admit it.

It's amazing how thinking about Christ for 10 minutes is a challenge. It's amazing how thinking about him daily does not come naturally. It's amazing the distractions that consume us somehow take over and keep us from paying attention to the things that are really important without us even realizing it.

Lately this has all come to my attention as, with the recent passing of my grandma, I've been thinking about heaven frequently. A friend of mine lost a child and has posted on her blog, "One of the best ways to have a little bit of Heaven in your home, is to have someone you love in Heaven." I am finding that so true. Since my grandma has left us for heaven it seems as if she's been sharing just a little, tiny glimpse of it with me. I've experienced so much peace and happiness knowing our Heavenly Father's plan and the stage of it she has just now crossed into.

It may not seem like much, but peace is so valuable. I once heard that peace is the only feeling that Satan cannot counter, confuse, construe. Peace is something you can only get from God. In a world where spirituality doesn't come naturally, or daily, or sometimes even often, it can be so easy to lose your way or simply become complacent. I know I am guilty of both. It has been so nice to have even a little peace and remind me of all the blessings that God has in store for us.

"Cousin to cousin we'll always be, Special friends from the same family tree."

My husband has 10 cousins. That's the total for both sides of his family (with the exception of a few love children that we're unaware of). He said he had some interaction with 4 of them growing up but the 4 on his dad's side were so much older than him and the 2 others on his mom's side are still not even teenagers yet. Even though he came from a big Mormon family with 6 kids, he really hasn't had the benefit of having a huge extended family.

I, on the other hand, have 28 cousins on one side, and am the oldest of 17 on the other side. So yeah- I have a whole lot of cousins. Not only do I have a lot of cousins, I actually like them and see them and have relationships with most of them. I would say my husband has a relationship with one, maybe two of his cousins, and they aren't the same ones he played with growing up. He says he always likes going to see my cousins and it's kind of a neat concept to him.

Who wouldn't love them, though? I have great cousins all over the country! I have had the pleasure of seeing most of them this past weekend since my grandma did indeed pass away and we were all gathered for her funeral. Every time we get together I can't but help think how lucky I am to have such an awesome extended family. They really are the greatest and some of my favorite people, and friends for life.